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News for the OBSSEsed -continued
Issue No. * The It's-So-Freaking-Good-It's-Timeless Edition  |
To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Dear Sister Aderyn, You totally ROCK!! Yours in drooling admiration, [Name and address withheld]
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I totally agree with you.
[Note to self: heh heh, I *love* this!!]
Dear Sister Aderyn, whose wisdom, beauty and perception shine so brightly they have almost blinded me. My eyes, my eyes, I'm wrong haired and ever so prancy Advice please? Or maybe compensation?
Sister Three Inches
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Three Inches, you forgot to mention that you're also a shortass.
Helpfully yours,
Aderyn
Dear Aderyn,
I need your assistance on a sensitive matter. I keep having these fantasies about escaping the drudgery of my celebrity life and becoming your minion at SVYRDMUL headquarters. I'm willing to pander to your every whim, however sick and depraved.
Do I have a chance? I'm begging you.
Gillian Anderson
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Gillian, thanks for your kind offer, but I'm afraid there is a waiting list. There may be a vacancy in a couple of years though. I'll keep you on file.
Dear Sister Aderyn, Thank GOD we have a new advice columnist. You are, like, so much more qualified than She Whom Nothing Is About. My question deals more with Scully's, uh, exhibitionist side. We've seen our favorite FBI agent at the office, at home, out in the woods -- even in the Arctic -- but we have never had the privilege of seeing her strut her stuff on the beach when she's on vacation. So, Aderyn, I need an answer. Does Scully opt for a one-piece that screams "Loneliness is a choice" or a thong that says "I'm horny, boink me"? Please, inquiring minds want to know. Did I already mention how you're so much cooler than She Of The One-Word Responses? Like, for real. Sincerely, ScottyC
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I underpants...stand, understand that this question is of uppermost importance to CHarc devotees like yourself, but I don't thong, thINK that I can be of much ass. . .assistance in this matter, because all I care about is FIGHTING and WEAPONS and stuff. Who cares what Scully is wearing? I want to know how big her machete is, ya know? . . .I can just see her now, strutting around on the beach with that thong. . .I mean *long*, sleek, thrusting sword. Oh, and you're *so* right about my being cool. Right on, brother.
Dear Sister Aderyn, ------------
Sparky? Dear She Who Wields a Mighty Club That is Almost as Scary as a Trout, I've been hearing a lot lately about "The science behind The X-Files," and my question pertains to that, as the topic came up last night while I was drinking the sloe gin fizzes mixed by one of the Abbey denizens. We were discussing how, since the dawn of the premiere, Philes have gazed upon the seeming chaos presented by the XF and struggled to make some kind of sense of it all. We recalled how the first of those who dared to question the Muldercentric model of the XF had been persecuted on ATXF (even though this model insisted that Scully revolved around Mulder in a clearly insupportable retrograde motion along the LaPlace Skeptic/Believer Axis), and praised the historical role of the OBSSE in liberating us from this intellectual bondage by restoring Scully to her proper place in the center of the XF. However, just as the frost on my glass was reaching perfect consistency, I began to be troubled by the thought of how much we still don't know about the nature of the XF. For example. Whereas it was once believed that the XF was finite and fixed within the confines of a single hour of the Fox Friday night lineup, we now understand that it is actually expanding through all the known media. But is this expansion uniform? Is it linear - can it be expressed in the form of an equation, say, $ = R© where R = Roddenberry's Constant? What's more, I have observed that on several occasions experts claimed to have found the end of the XF, only to discover more XF beyond that. And lately I have heard rumors of the imminent discovery of entities known as "new characters," which would suggest that an XF without end is at least theoretically possible. Do you think that the XF is, in fact, infinite? Truly, the mind shrinks in horror from the idea of an infinite XF, but do we as Scullyists not have an obligation to confront this void if that is where our Science is leading us? Just Wondering, Sister Atlantis PS What does it mean when the inside of your mouth is purple and fuzzy?
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NO.
Oh, and I think a visit to a dental hygienist is in order.
Hi Aderyn, It's me again. Sorry to bother you, but I just can't stop thinking about you. You rock my world, you give it meaning, you are the wind beneath my wings; the dirt under my three inch heels; the calorie in my tofutti low-fat dreamsicle; the support in my push up bra (editor's note: this letter had to be snipped for brevity's sake).... I'M BEGGING YOU TO LET ME BE YOUR MINION. Gillian Anderson
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Okay Gilly, enough with the letters. Your obsessive behaviour is starting to irritate me. Get a life.
A
Dear Sister Aderyn, I hate your guts. You're a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad columnist. And you're MEAN. In a TOTALLY NON-DEMURE way. <thbtbtbtbt> Luv and kisses,
P.S. And I really don't think that goldfish is happening. --------- Skull, Ha ha ha. You're so freakin funny! Wow! As if anyone could ever hate *me*!...Ha. HA. HARrrrrrgh. Oh, and one more thing...like my new icon?
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 She could not go to Fest. She had no time to play. The nun sat in her cell All the dull Festless day. She sat in the morning. In the afternoon too. And she said, "How I wish I had something to do!" But all she could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! And she did not like it. Not one little bit. And then she heard a CLICK! Like the flick of a Bic! She looked. And she saw him step out of a van! She looked! And she saw him! The Man with the Plan! And he said to her, "Why not enjoy while you can?" "I know some good games we could play," Said the man. "I know some new tricks," Said the Man with the Plan. "A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you. The Elders Will not mind at all if I do." The poor festless nun Did not know what to say. The Elders were gone From the Abbey that day. But the Trout said, "No! No! Make that man go away! Tell that Man with the Plan You do NOT want to play. He should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here When the Elders are out!" "Now! Now! Have no fear. Have no fear!" said the man. "My tricks are not bad," Said the Man with the Plan. "Why, we can have Lots of good fun, if you wish, With a game that I call UP-UP-UP with a Sis!" "You doubt me, I see," Said the Man with a grin, "What's the point of a game You can't possibly win? But you're wrong, don't you know. Just you take up this paddle, Secure your Padookle, And shout, 'Oh, Farfaddle!' "And then, with much gusto, You fly like a bee, And thwack with your paddle, An Elder, or three. Just thwack 'em and thwack 'em, Be sure not to miss, And then, when you've thwacked 'em, Start running like piss." "But oh!" cried the Sister, Her forehead she rubbed, "That might get me trouted, Or worse yet, unsubbed." The Man smiled with pleasure, Without hesitation, He said, "What price freedom From their domination? "Those Elders are evil, With such evil plans, And secret agendas! And Shiner Bock cans! You think that they missed you? You think that they cared? You think in their planning, Your feelings were spared?" The Sister got angry, The Sister got mad, "Those Elders are evil! Those Elders are bad! They left us with washing, And dusting, and cleaning, They left us the vacuum, They sit there, nee-ner-ing!" Sis gathered her gumption, And picked up her paddle, Secured her Padookle, And yelled, "Oh, Farfaddle!" She started to thwack Every Elder in sight, "UP-UP-UP with a Sis!" Was the cry of the night. The Man lit a cig, And 'cause he's such a rotter, He smiled to himself 'Cause he knew he had got her. She cleaned every brick By herself, for a year But the whole thing was worth it, In non-Fester cheer. By Serin and Squat |
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By Serin
 HEY, SCULLY GANG! Serin here, with all the latest news and views. CASTING CONUNDRUM: Of course, the revelation that DeeDee will only appear in three episodes next season has thrown all of Philedom into a veritable tizzy. For several weeks, 1013's worst-kept secret was that hush-hush series of screen tests that Gilly was doing with such sassy Mulderwannabees as Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise, Jay Mohr, Hilary Swank, Bob Saget and the Sprint PCS Guy. Well, hold on to the handrails, guys, because they're changing tracks AGAIN! According to my most reliable source in the 1013 camp, the boys have decided not to go the new partner route after all; rather, they're planning to beef up the role of an existing character. Spots didn't dare say more, but I think it's safe to assume that we'll be seeing a lot more of a certain very Special Agent Chesty Short.  WHO WILL TRIUMPH in the season 8 premiere's much ballyhooed Scully/Marita catfight? You know what I like to say, "Always bet on Red!" CASTING CONUNDRUM REDUX: The spotlight, it seems, has shifted from the search for Scully's new partner to the search (or "quest," if you will!) for her new daughter, Mary Sue Sculder. Yes, for those who came in late, Philes dreading that TBO might give birth to some hideous slimy alien had cause to rejoice recently, when it was learned that Scully's offspring would in fact prove to be a nubile teen. Naturally, rumors have been buzzing like Africanized bees around the heads of all the hot young up-and-comers, including that girl from "Dawson's Creek," that girl from "Roswell," and that girl from "Popular." Sorry to disappoint, gals, but the prospects don't look good for any of you. The latest word is that Mr. Fine Auteur Carter is hoping to recreate the miracle he worked with Gilly - that's right, he's going to pluck some young thing from total obscurity, groom her, give her lessons in speech and deportment, and transform her into a Superstar! Now, no one knows better than Moi how much untapped beauty and talent we have right here in our very own Abbey. If you think you have what it takes to be the next "Princess of the Paranormal," why not send Cee-Cee your headshots? Who knows, maybe next year we'll all be talking about YOUR haircut.
ATTENTION ACADEMY VOTERS! I have seven words for you: "A bad Mexican car accident. In Mexico." Yappi predicts that Emmy's head (and the rest of her!) is going to plop unceremoniously into DeeDee's hands this year. THUD ALERT! A new pic is up for Leprechaun (thanks to the indefatigable boys at SpookieSpoilerz - I sure couldn't do it without you guys!). Seems the most anticipated episode ever (and the one with the heftiest price tag!) will feature a groundbreaking animation sequence. And look out, all you CHarc-aeologists: I saw glasses! https://svyrdmul.tripod.com/phnar/leprechaun.jpg WATCH THIS SPACE! I expect to have some good news soon for all you Megan Leitch fans. CIAO FOR NOW, OBSSEketeers! Until next time, remember, S-C-U (C-U real soon!) L-L-Y (Y? Because I like you!) R-O-O-L-Z! |
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There's been lots of speculation in XF-dom and fanfic about Mulder and
Scully's first sexual encounter. Few know about their first attempt at
doing the nasty, preferring the more palatable and effortlessly erotic
version of demented imagination. It didn't even happen in real life,
but in an isolated chat room on the Internet. I found a transcript.
Read it and deal with it.
Mulder and Scully's First Time LAWMAN: Hi there. And that, as they say, was it. |
Make a Scully Sock Puppet!
By Becky What gives a little known website 1) Find a sock. 2) Decorate it. After you're finished, you may |
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