The following is my attempt, per your official request, to shed some light on a few of the disturbing events that occurred over the past few days. I have attempted to piece together a narrative from my field journal, but I find more questions than answers remain. I still retain hope that enough evidence will present itself at a later date so as to enable me to formulate a solidly scientific explanation. Until then, the spoon incident must remain unexplained.

OBSSE Abbey,
Thursday, June 22, 2000.
11:21 am.

After receiving a visit from certain of our Severed sibliren regarding the slow disappearance of teaspoons, coffee spoons, and sporks from the abbey, I find myself reluctantly torn from my corner of the wine cellar by our derang-, erm, revered leaders-pro-tem. I tried to point out the absence of coffee spoons would prevent anyone measuring out their life in this fashion, but was threatened with a variety of pointed sticks by Aderyn. Hastily, I agreed to see what I could do. (For the record, her demonstration of said implements on Skull had no effect on my decision.)

12:13 pm

Walking through the halls, not much is amiss at first glance. Footprints track wallpaper paste through the lounge, but a dejected clone, apparently forgotten in the rush to NeenerFest '00, is already wiping them up. The whole abbey has a desolate, abandoned air, and not even the far-off screams from the FF Tower help dispel the aura. A few dejected nuns sit drinking 'ritas and trying to bait each other with pairs of pantyhose. No spoons to be seen, so I'm now heading for the Kitchen. Seems like as good a place to start as any. Maybe they left some Pixy Stix.

4:37 pm

No Pixy Stix, no cheese, not even any lard. And no spoons. The Severeds are right, and I'm already noticing the effect of missing spoons on morale. I haven't walked through a puddle of schmoop all day, and the pool and hot tub are deserted. The only sibliren I've seen have been on guard duty, at weapons practice, or were moving furtively through the halls, as if bent on ditching their fellows. Time to take drastic measures.

Friday, June 23, 2000

1:12 am

An exhaustive search of the Cloisters turned up the following items:

• 23 videos of the Fox Britney Spears special, half of which are labeled "For you, Autumn"
• 1 case of Cheerwine hidden under the floorboards
• 17 pairs of handcuffs
• 134 pairs of 3 inch heels
• 7 tubes of body glitter
• 3 boxes of leather polish
• 79 deflated Krycek floaties with various puncture marks
• 67 boxes of Indigo Girls bootleg concerts
• 568 caches of weapons, some of which were almost completely unidentifiable except for the sharp bits
• 2 bags of hair rollers
• 1 picture of DD with 'Mrs. Fox Mulder' written all around the border
• 3 copies of 'Barney and the Teletubbies do Vegas'

By Ataraxia

I've always felt a little self-conscious walking around the halls of the Abbey. I'm fairly new to the order and very shy and I was terrified that I would encounter one of the Elders as I learned my way around and wouldn't have a clue how to react. So, with the Elders (mostly) away, it seemed like a good time for me to take a relaxed stroll through the Abbey and get better oriented.

The Tour Begins

Armed with a 5-cell mag-light, a camera, a bottle of Evian, and the Scully Break-In Tool kit that I got for my last birthday, I entered the magnificent gates of the Abbey and proceeded through the too-quiet foyer. My gosh, it's like a maze from there on. I tried following those cute little size 7 high-heel outlines painted in various colors on the floor, but I never did figure out what all the colors meant. I did determine that the footprints that meandered all over the hallway lead to the wine cellar - my only real destination - and the drippy looking ones lead to the pool (more about that later).

Since I was fairly certain I could find the wine cellar later on, I decided to do some exploring first, and I stumbled onto something that not only made my whole trip worthwhile, but confirmed my suspicions that the Elders have been holding out on the rest of us, big-time.

The Discovery That Will Change My Life

After wandering down hall after hall and descending several winding staircases I came to a door that had both card-entry and conventional locks. It looked like such a challenge that I just had to open up my Break-In set right away and give it a try. Boy, it took almost every tool and gizmo in the set, but I got the door open. And here's a tip: that "foil gum wrapper over the magnetic strip on the card" trick from "Roland" - it doesn't work unless you're chewing Big Red. Anyway, when the door swung open, there it was, my Holy Grail, the Abbey Plastic Surgery Suite! Inside there are several mini-suites including the special multi-room Scully Suite, a whole wing really, where TBO has spent so many days recovering from the repairs she's required over the last seven years. Now you know why Scully still looks fabulous and Mulder is starting to look, well, a bit saggy really. Next door to the Scully Suite was the KirbyD Dimple Installation Suite. Did you ever imagine?

When I reached the Staff Lounge I met a few members of the Abbey Surgical Team who were so nice. They were still on a high after the fabulous job they'd done on TBO after that awful "Fight Club" battering. They were working under such tight time constraints, and I have to say, she looked flawless the next week. Since the Elders were away and Scully was on vacation and not likely to need them soon, the surgeons offered me a free make-over. What could I say, but Yes, Yes, Yes! I had a few days of vacation coming, and trust me, I had nothing to lose. So, here's the new me. What do you think? Can they do a Scully or what?