The Claw Monster

The sun was shining, the grass was growing and the air was permeated
with the heartlifting sounds of many, many children simultaneously
screaming at the top of their lungs. A particularly obnoxious infant
made a noise resembling a fork being inserted into a blender. Unluckily
for Scully, this happy event occurred in the near vicinity of her aural
regions. She cringed, sighed with exasperation, and decided to vent
her anger. It was healthy, she'd heard.

"Mulder," she said, with a particularly deadly twist of her eyebrow,
"what the hell are we doing here?"

"I told you, Scully," he replied with an irritatingly contented
expression, "We are here to investigate the rumored existence of a
Claw Monster in the Haunted Mansion."

"I *know* what we're doing here, Mulder. I'm not that dense. It's
called a rhetorical question, inserted for the purpose of explaining
the situation to the audience."

"I'm aware of that, Scully. Unfortunately, that particular device does
require a reply in order to fulfill its purpose. Now, I believe it's
your turn to make a sardonic remark about the case. The line was, 'we
are here to investigate the rumored existence of a Claw Monster in the
Haunted Mansion'."

"You're too kind, Mulder....so in effect, we are here to determine
whether the Haunted Mansion is in fact haunted?"

"Well, yes."

"Uh-huh."

Wiping some cotton candy off his ample nose, Mulder surveyed their
surroundings. "Look, Scully!" he exclaimed in delight, "a song booth!"

Scully sighed wearily. "A what?"

"A song booth! You go inside, and say something, and it turns your
words into a song!"

"Wouldn't take much of an effort with you."

"Come on, Scully, it'll be fun! You could say "That's completely
implausible!" and make a tape of the song. It could be your theme
tune."

With another long-suffering sigh, Scully allowed Mulder to drag her
into the song booth. "This is dumb, Mulder," she announced.

"Aw, don't be such a spoilsport, Scully. Make mirth and be merry,
whether ye will or nay."

"Mulder?"

"Yes, Scully?"

"You just said the word 'nay'."

"Why, yes I did. I believe it was supposed to be a reflection of my
'knight in shining armor' situation."

"Yeah. You're the horse. Neigh."

"Better not look me in the mouth, then."

"I'll ride you like a pony, Mulder," Scully replied dryly.

To Scully's dismay, the booth began to beep. Shortly afterwards, a
metallic voice sang in a singularly uninspired manner...

"Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb
I'll ride you like a pony, Mulder."

Against her will and probably her better judgment, Scully's lips
twitched. Mulder looked at the machine in disgust.

"Ripoff," he announced.

"No kidding."

Mulder's expression was downcast for a moment, but then he kicked
the booth and experienced a renewal of optimism. "Tell you what," he
said, "I'll win you a panda on the shooting gallery."

"You'll do no such thing."

"Aw, why not?"

"It sends a corrupt message to the viewers. It implies first of all
that duck shooting is acceptable, and then goes on to promote the
extinction of giant panda bears. It's despicable. Plus, it's
chauvinistic. I would gain far more satisfaction from winning a panda
myself."

"So do it."

"No! We are here to investigate a case, for lack of a better description.
It would probably be a good idea to do so."

Mulder shrugged. "Lead the way, my little pony....ow!"

"Sorry."

"Right."

Scully and Mulder approached the Haunted Mansion. To Mulder's disgust,
their identifiations were apparently not acceptable ticket vouchers, so
he forked out some cash while Scully smirked. Inside, they wandered
nonchalantly through the rooms. Mulder shot a zombie at one point, but
generally their excursion was uneventful.

"I don't know, Scully," Mulder said, "I'm beginning to think this is
bogus."

"Oh well done, Mulder. Maybe next week you can tackle the concept of a
spherical world."

"Scu..." Mulder began. Sadly, Scully never heard the end of that
sentence, since the Claw Monster chose that moment to attempt a
removal of Mulder's internal organs.

"Freeze!" Scully cried. Upon being ignored, she shrugged and shot
the Claw Monster in the head. Causing extinction was not always a
negative achievement.

"Gee, thanks, Scully. You saved my life again!" Mulder spluttered.

"Yeah," Scully agreed pleasantly.

"Want to have a ride in the Tunnel of Lurve, Scully?"

"No. I hear it's been invaded by primates."

"Apes?"

"Monkeys."

"Oh, how unfortunate. Well, come on. You can win me a panda on the
strong man machine."

"Thanks a million, Mulder." Scully's voice was as dry as usual, but
there was a spring in her step as the two agents walked away. Nothing
like a good monster slaying to make a girl feel appreciated.





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