Severed Review: "X-Cops"
By Aderyn

The 150th episode of the X-Files, if you count Travelers, was a back to
basics experiment. A fly on the wall documentary that eschewed both
editing and a decent story in favour of shaky camera work, fuzzy faces,
bleeped out obscenities and a juicy bit of voyeurism. The gloss that
usually patinas and softens the more quirky aspects of the X-Files was
laid to rest as we were served a realistically gritty picture of the FBI's
most likely to have *plenty* of things to hide.

Skull: I'm confuzzled.
Aderyn: Tell me something I don't know.
Skull: Are you saying that Scully and Mulder are real? Call me crazy, but
I thought that they were TV characters.
Aderyn: You're *crazy*.

The low-budget extravaganza began as the audience witnessed Scully
and Mulder stroll and cruise around da 'hood in search of a highly
dangerous criminal whose profile read something like "Indeterminate
height, weight, race, gender, species, aw heck... indeterminate
everything." True to form, Scully and scrunchy-face weren't deterred by
this lack of information. They did however enlist the help of some local
cops from another Fox show called, erm, "Cops." This intrepid gaggle of
law enforcement's finest hit the streets, closely accompanied by a
camera crew. And they had nothing to hide. Nothing at all.

X-Cops Land was populated by a veritable feast of minority caricatures -
normal folk, who were either social outcasts or on the books of the
Trashy-Stereotypes-R-Us casting agency. There was Ricky Martin, the
very wronghaired sketch artist, and Steve & Edy the drama queens. Best
of all there was Chantara, the crack whore with the sculpted pink bouffant
(whose sturdy magnificence was kept in place by strategically placed
bubble gum.)

Skull: Poor Scully, she must have been so envious of Chantara, what
with her having all these flat hair issues of late.
Aderyn: Speaking of flat hair, what the hell's happened to your locks? It
looks like each strand has been glued to your head.
Skull: Well, it's one of the problems with being a Scullyclone, I'm having
sympathy hair problems. You wouldn't understand.
Aderyn: Maybe I can help? I've got a whole stack of gum back here
somewhere. It'll add body, and I can pretty much guarantee that it'll never
be flat again.
Skull: Really?

Each of these loveably inept secondary characters were being pursued
by the predator, who manifested itself in differing forms to each victim.
What started off as a werewolf transmogrified into Freddy Krueger, a
wasp-man, someone's ex-boyfriend, and Fowley's hooter-holder. The
monster was eventually revealed to be fear itself, a hideous
symbolization of each victim's greatest mortal terror.

Skull: Didn't they use that in Millennium?
Aderyn: Yeah. And I'm pretty sure they used it in The Craft too.
Skull: Hell, I think it was in the Power Rangers once.
Aderyn: Uh, just for curiosity's sake, how do you know this?
Skull: Um, I, I, hey, so what would your fear monster be?
Aderyn: Season Eight. What about yours?
Skull: I fear nothing. Fear is the root of all evil. Those who fear are weak.
We must cast fear out from our hearts and banish it to the furthest reaches of...

[Aderyn dangles a spider in front of Skull's face]

Skull: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!

Of course, for a certain immortal character this fear monster was good
news as she was safe from harm. Scully even felt able to take some time
out to perform monologues about vaginas in da hood's local theatre. Her
assumption that she was away from danger's clutches was however a
little premature, as the monster shockingly metamorphosed into a thong-
wearing Roseanne, causing a nasty bout of stage fright in several
experienced actresses.

Skull: What's wrong with thongs? I wear them all the time to the beach.
They're very comfortable.
Aderyn: Eeeeew! Nobody, but nobody, should wear thongs at the beach.
Skull: WHAT?! Gads, I had no idea you were such a prude. What's wrong
with showing a little skin?
Aderyn: Aaargh...thppppt...slkjoisssssgh...
Skull: Besides, my feet are purdy. . .Why are you looking at me like that?
Aderyn: ...oh. OH. I, uh, I was talking about the, uh, *other* kind of
thong...you know the...uh, underwear...not the sandals...
Skull: ... Oh. OH. Oh my GOD! And Roseanne...OH!
That's so hideous!
Aderyn: Never fear, Skull, good did come of this atrocity.
Skull: What good could possibly come from a spread-eagled, thonged
Roseanne? <shudder>
Aderyn: Such was the revolting nature of this sight that Scully went into
shock, which caused her hair to stand on end.
Skull: The floof's back already?!
Aderyn: Affirmative. Now if we can just sort out *your* hair situation
everything will be just dandy. Sit still a moment while I squash a little gum
into your soon to be luscious locks...tra la la... oh gawd.
Skull: What?
Aderyn: ...

The episode's main point of interest lay with its disclosure about Scully
and Mulder. In realtime and in realspace there was no escaping behind
plot or a script, in fact the only sanctuary seemed to be behind tinted
ambulance doors. The differences between the duo were highlighted by
their wildly different responses to being in front of the camera. While
Mulder rejoiced in his fifteen minutes, and tried his hardest to dispel all
those rumours about him being a whack job by wildly theorising about the
existence of extraterrestrial life, Scully was cautious and shy. While
Mulder snickered to himself, no doubt planning how best to upset
Scullyists everywhere during episode 18, Scully hastily retreated to her
trusty haven aka the county morgue.

Although she was still suffering from the after effects of the thong
incident, Scully bravely soldiered on through her pain. She conducted a
clandestine autopsy on the unfortunate Chantara, who had died after her
bubble-gum heavy head had caved in.

Skull: What?
Aderyn: Heh heh, that was a mistake, erm, I meant to say that Chantara
had died after an unfortunate encounter with her, her, her crack-dealing pimp.
Skull: Okay, good, 'cause actually my head is feeling a little heavy, not to
mention sticky.
Aderyn: But it's looking *good* Skull. Get your priorities straight wouldja? Sheesh.

Scully's dynamic presence in the autopsy bay was once again reinforced
as the camera crew swooned over her Holiness as she sagaciously
dissected the crack whore. It was unfortunate that during her time at the
morgue she inadvertently unleashed the Marburg and Hanta viruses
upon an unsuspecting public, but the masses and the camera crew
forgave this blunder as they became increasingly enraptured with her floof.

Skull: Oh, and the way she triple anger-dimpled her way through the
whole procedure.
Aderyn: And the way her anaemic-green scrubs accentuated her
luminous beauty.
Skull: And the way she effortlessly manoeuvred that scalpel, confirming
her unparalleled mastery of the slice and dice.
Aderyn: And the way she scowled at the camera, permeating even the
most steely-hearted of souls.
Skull: And the way she *snapped* on the latex, proving that she can
handle prophylactics without peer.
Aderyn: And the way she stuck her bare fingers into Ricky Martin's
bloody mouth.
Skull: Eeeew. Why do you always have to spoil everything?

Documentaries offer a unique glimpse into the lives of their subjects, and
"X-Cops" interestingly emphasised Scully's discomfort at being
surrounded by video geeks. Viewers witnessed an increasingly perturbed
and irritated Scully reach the end of her tether, whereupon she snapped
and shouted in anguish "I hate you guys." Still, the moronic camera crew
gazed adoringly at her.

Her ever-increasing, anger-dimple accented pout was not enough to
deter the rabid attention of the geeks, so she prepared for battle and
donned her red kevlar dress with the spaghetti straps. However she
looked so damn good in the kevlar, and such was her floofily seductive
allure that both the male and female members of the crew became
further enchanted, so much so that they began to question their sexual
orientation. In a pleasingly decisive move, Scully (who never troubles
herself with sexual matters unless it's commercial time) locked them all in
a big closet so that they could work it out for themselves.

Skull: The kevlar and floof combination is a powerful force.
Aderyn: Indeed, and may I say again how wonderful you're looking now
that your hair is floofed up. That pink's a good colour on you.
Skull: <blush> Aw, thanks. You got a mirror?
Aderyn: <gulp> No.

"X-Cops" was a fine novelty episode with which to celebrate the
momentous 150th edition of the X-Files. It may have been unfortunate
that some sequences were caught on camera -- we could have done
without seeing Roseanne in her scant underwear -- but such is the
dangerous and guilty pleasure of watching a voyeuristic medium. Mulder
and Scully's little quirks and personality traits seemed exaggerated
throughout the episode as they were reflected and magnified by the lens
of the video camera.

[Skull finds a mirror]

Skull: Aaaargghh! Look at me!
Aderyn: I told you. You look so pretty.
Skull: You ******* *****
Aderyn: Well I never. At least I'm not a ****.
Skull: **** off.

It is true that in unskilled hands the documentary medium can disclose an
unflattering reality. Yet its true wonder lies in this same disclosure, as we
are left with a fuller picture of the subject matter, in this case the troubled
existence of the dynamic duo.

Skull: You cruel *****. I'm going to ******* [CENSORED] you.
Aderyn: Oh yeah? You're so full of **** you wouldn't dare. You're no
better than a [CENSORED]
Skull: [CENSORED]

Hopes are high for next week's portion of XF, which promises to feature
some interesting wardrobe choices on the part of Scully and Mulder.
From kevlar and thongs one week, to rubber and leather the next...what
more can a pseudo-religious Abbey full of bickering Scullyists possibly ask for?

-end