Severed Review: "Without"
By Aderyn

Some things never change. TicTacs are always orange, green goo is
always completely harmless, my reviews are always the bestest, and so
on, and so forth. In the X-Files universe, one constant always remains -
concluding episodes of two-parters will begin with a strangely
nonsensical voiceover. "Without" opened in such spectacular fashion, as
the usual thesaurus-raided babble was vocalised by the actress who
don't need no stinkin' lines, thank you very much.

Some things change. This particular voiceover *worked* and offered
some fine character exposition. It was almost impossible not to be moved
by the heartfelt confession that GA uttered with such aplomb. Such a
moving testimonial, as evidenced by this particular passage: "I have a
white shirt. The buttons don't even start until mid-cleavage. I wear it to
work. I love it...I can now come out of the closet and admit that I was
originally assigned to work on the X-Files to debunk proper business
attire, and to up the Sluttiness Quotient in FBI offices across the land."

Skull: YeeHaw.
Aderyn: Go, Scully, go!
Skull: Damn she does important work. <sniff> What an amazing role
model she is for young businesswomen everywhere. We *need* pioneers
like Scully to get us past the conventions of buttons and beige bras, to
enlighten us to the understanding that we *can* dress like a slut and still
be successful. The days of professional business attire are through. Burn
all the buttons, the age of women's liberation has truly begun...
Aderyn: Skull?
Skull: Mmm?
Aderyn: Zip it.

The core of this episode was located in the suitably arid, barren
landscape of the Arizona desert. Suitable, I might add, because this
locale was a clever contrast to the increasingly voluptuous, hormonally-
charged XF. Each week, it seems, a character is revitalised by over-
active pituitaries pumping performance-enhancing substances into their
systems. Each character is increasingly, and some might say
stereotypically, gender specific. After last week's Manly Man contest,
which showed just how much damage testosterone can do - with
[ROUND 1] Mulder indulging in a facial, and [ROUND 2] Doggett eating
BBQ'd beaver...

Skull: Who won that Best Man for the Show contest anyway?
Aderyn: Dunno. Besides, I don't know about you, but I'm still rooting for
that rank outsider, Queequeg. He might still get elected, if that re-count
goes on for a couple more weeks and/or gets any more corrupt.
Skull: Ah, the original Dog-ette. He could certainly cock his leg like no
other. <pant>
Aderyn: Ooh, the way he used to mark his territory was certainly
masterful. <drool>
Skull: Hey Ad? Maybe we should edit this section of dialogue out. We
sound kinda perverted.
Aderyn: No problemo, honeybun. I'll erase it in a second. It'll be our little
secret. BTW, while we're on the subject, has that rash cleared up yet?

"Without" evened the score by introducing estrogen to the game, which
resulted in Skinner merrily skipping around the FBI headquarters in a
pastel yellow shirt, before wistfully sobbing into a linen hanky, no doubt
because it was *that time of the month*. And in a slightly more pleasing
turn of estrogen-influenced events, New and Improved Scully hoiked up
her cleavage, slipped on six-inch spike heels, spray-painted on some
"clothes", and went off to look for that guy she used to hang out with in
the hot, sweaty desert. Yikes.

Skull: Didn't she do that in last season's premiere?
Aderyn: No, you idiot. Last season she was looking for the artikifact, aka
That Week's Truth, because Mulder had been taken by the enemy and
had some freaky gizmos hooked up to his brain...oh. Heh.

Gillian Anderson played the role of Tart With A Heart to perfection. It was
really very moving to see her boobs ebb and flow as she strode
purposefully in the sandy mire, and hollered for Mulder to get his ass
back to DC and pay some freakin' child support.

Skull: And to take out the goddamned garbage.
Aderyn: And to mow the bloody lawn already.
Skull: And to get his wet, naked body into the bed so they can freakin'
procreate.
Aderyn: You just never know when to stop, do you?

Mark Snow's subtle compositions always hit the mark, giving auditory
clues where lesser musicians thwack musical sledgehammers over the
viewers' heads. In "Without" Snow outdid himself with an exquisite motif
that accompanied Doggett's every move. Who would have thought that
an orchestral-ragga-hiphop-teenpop crossover of the Baha Men's "Who
let the dogs out (woof woof woof woof)" would be such subtle background
muzac for the MANLY man's <cough> activities?

This was the episode in which Doggett, a MANLY character on probation,
was cut loose of his leash to go and do some detectin'. To show us just
how MANLY he was. To show us just how gargantuan his testicles
might be, and to show us just what he could accomplish with all that
testosterone pumping through his body. Just what did Doggett do to
show the audience what a MAN he was? He developed a passion for
rainbows, liddle frolicking bunnies, and goopy Hallmark sentimentality.
Yeah, that ought to do it.

It would be remiss of me not to give a little Mulder mention in this review.
Good ol' scunchy face still has his admirers after all, and the Mulder
Missers Anonymous brigade need their fix. So, without further ado, in
"Without" Mulder threw himself off a cliff. 'Nough said.

Skull: Hey, Mulder did slightly more than suicide this episode. He was
werry brave, and underwent a werry, werry hazardous operation to try
and kick-start his dimples into tweaking. Some people say that he's
actually going to be able to emote now.
Aderyn: That'll be useful now that he's DEAD and all.

DD should be praised for his portrayal of a puffy corpse undergoing
cosmetic surgery. It's not many actors who will take method acting to
such extremes, as Duchovny was deservingly paid millions for lounging
around on his nekkid ass. He's worth every penny, dammit.

The whole cast gave good face and chase in this episode. It was a
fabulous moment when we witnessed Doggett, Scully and a gaggle of
unruly, slutty, white-shirt wearin' cops roaming the desert, lookin' for
Special Agent Puffy Face. Fabulous, because it highlighted the
differences between the sexes one more time, just in case we weren't
clear on that already. While knocked-up Scully acquired a glowing silky
veneer of perspiration-perfection as she demurely scampered after a
rogue, runaway bike, the guys sweated, belched, farted, and then threw
themselves over the cliff while in pursuit of Mulder.

Skull: All wearing the same thing, too. That reminded me of something. A
computer game, I think.
Aderyn: Something manly?
Skull: Oh, extremely. I think it had something to with rodents.
Aderyn: Oh, you're thinking of "The Krycek Nudity Game (version 6.9:
now with all new kinky fetishes for you to enjoy!)".
Skull: ...!!
Aderyn: ...which doesn't really exist, nope, no way, absolutely
not... <nervous laugh>...um, is it warm in here?

It was a heartrending moment when Scully rode her bike straight past the
spaceship she was searching for, and plummeted down the opening of a
cheese cellar that the Aliens had cunningly located in the desert. Happily
though, Scully and Gibson were reunited in this cellar, surrounded by
stale cream cheese. To pass the time they snacked on the available
rotting fare, and played a special edition game of Clue. Whodunnit? It's
difficult to know who wanted the answer more - Scully, or the audience,
each equally desperate to finally discover the father of the embryuh-oh.
Was it Agent Mulder, in the Kitchen, with the Turkey Baster? Was it an
ABH, in a Spaceship, with Alien Technology? Or was it Skinner, in
Scully's Apartment, with a [censored]? As is the usual XF way, before we
could discover the truth, a CC brain-fart interrupted Gibson and Scully's
quest for the truth, as a girly plot device stormed into the cheese cellar
and demanded to have her stolen bike back from Scully. Foiled again!

One complaint I would make about the episode is that it got rather
complex in the closing quarter. While Scully and Gibson were
hospitalised after overdoing it on rotting blocks of cheese,

Skull: Sorry, I just have to interrupt here. I think what Ad means is that
Scully and Gibson were overdoing it in the sense that they had *eaten*
too many rotting blocks of cheese. Not, um, the other thing, which it really
sounded like, and would get CC into a lot of trouble, and we wouldn't
want that...oh. Oops.
Aderyn: Now that you've totally ruined my cunning plan, may I continue?
THANK you. Jeez.

While Scully and Gibson were hospitalised after overdoing it by *eating*
too many rotting blocks of cheese <glare>, CC decided to spice things up
a little too much by introducing ABH clones of Scully and Skinner into the
normally sedate hospital setting. It was very difficult for the viewer to
decipher who was real, and who was wrong. Things got a little desperate
as we were supposed to identify reality from a "Scully" who
transmogrified into a green-goo secreting flying squirrel, and a "Scully"
who sat up in bed and read all her schmoopy get well cards. I, for one,
was completely befuddled. Luckily Skinner had a plan to identify the real
Scullster. "I know your secret!" he neenered, so that the real deal would
reveal herself.

Skull: So, he knows about her subscription to the OBSSE mailing list?
Aderyn: I guess. Or maybe he was talking about her unfortunate
underwear choices.
Skull: Or it's possible that he was referring to the fact that she's now in
possession of the hottest property in cyberspace - Lensie's plaque.
Aderyn: Or perhaps he was hinting that he knew all about her *thing* for
Gibson? <snerk>
Skull: Eeeeew. You're such a liability. Are you *trying* to get us kicked
out of the Abbey?! Do you want Sparky to pay you a visit??!
Aderyn: <sniffle> I just wanted some trout for dinner, and <sob> there's
not enough money in the SVYRDMUL bank vault to pay for it, because
*you* went and bought all that CC/Spotsy merchandise on e-bay. <wail>
Skull: Nobody's falling for your culinary sob story. < sniff> And as if I'd
ever spend our contract re-negotiation profits on Spotsy and Chrissy-
baby goodies! <quiver>. Um... maybe you should edit this section of
dialogue out as well? You know, just so that my...I mean, *our* reputation
remains unblemished. <quake>
Aderyn: No problemo. <giggle>

"Without" concluded the season opening two-parter in the usual way.
More questions were posed than answered, as is CC's meddlesome
preference. It may be that we never truly know the answers to some key
questions - is it sluttier to go sans buttons on a white shirt, or to have a
few buttons that are perilously left opened so that heaving bosoms are
accented? We can only hope that the third episode of the season will
offer some more close-up shots so that we may gain a better
understanding.

Be sure to tune in next week when SVYRDMUL's very own Monster of
the Week (aka Skull) will attempt to pull all the buttons off her shirt, walk
in six-inch spike heels without falling over, and tell it exactly like it is, from
her Slutty!Scullyclone perspective.

Skull: Hey! You just complimented me!! I don't freakin' believe it!!!
Aderyn: ...*damn*.

--end