Severed Review: "Within"
By Skullhead

The first episode of the new XF season set the stage for an oh-so-
masculine battle between two worthy candidates, for the title of Best Man
for the Show. While the sentimental favourite, Fox Mulder, spent his time
enduring the manliest of man pain at the dentist after being abducted
from the bush, the other strong contender, John Doggett, frequently
flexed his manly muscles and talked a lot about blood and gore. It was a
contest worthy of the network for which they stand, one TV show, under
Carter, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all except girls.

Aderyn: Who won?
Skull: We're still waiting on a recount from Florida. Welcome back, by the way.
Aderyn: Oh, thanks. Likewise.
Skull: Thanks.
Aderyn: Sure.
Skull: Yeah. Well. How's the weather in your part of the world?
Aderyn: Good, it's good...just out of interest, are we going to start
bickering soon? This unnatural politeness isn't sitting well with me.
Skull: We have to work up to it. Dramatic tension, and all that.
Aderyn: Okay. <squirm> Can we be quick about it? Please?

A word must be said about the newly furbished opening credits, and that
word is BUDGET. I personally was NOT impressed with the
extraordinarily cheesy effect of an Antarctic Mulder PI being flung across
the screen and hitting poor Scully in the eye. One would think that, if
1013 can afford to pay Mr My-Excrement-is-Odourless Duchovny how
ever many freaking million dollars it is to make scrunchy faces, they could
afford better effects for the opening redits, which incidentally STILL
feature the pouty-lipped wonder in top billing position even though he's
only around for half the episodes, and yet is getting A WHOLE
FREAKING SH*TLOAD of money to make his oh-so-special appearances...

Aderyn: Whoa! Skull! Calm down.
Skull: Lemme go.
Aderyn: No. Don't you think this sort of activity is best left to those
qualified to do it?
Skull: Like whom?
Aderyn: Like Cathy B?
Skull: No. I think it's best left to those who are fully clothed.

Anyway, aside from certain ISSUES I had about the episode, it was really
quite good. Somewhere in the mix of all this manpainly goodness, there
was Scully. And her hair was nice. And she's pregnant. And lonely,
because Mulder was off having facelifts and stealing laptops and
chucking shrimps on the barbie in Raleigh. But generally, things were
good. A particularly touching scene occurred when, amidst the
heartrending strains of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel", she laid her weary
body down on Mulder's bed, clutched his Old
Spice-scented shirt (with buttons), and fell into an uneasy slumber, where
she dreamed about Mulder being tortured and prancing in a turquoise bra
- and not an old, faded turquoise bra either, but a shiny new turquoise bra
that shone like, well, turquoise. Many viewers are reputed to have been
in tears after that extremely moving sequence.

Speaking of the pregnancy, however, I feel I must nitpick about certain
blatant inaccuracies in regard to its timing. With a stretch of the
imagination it is possible to accept that Scully is puking her guts up this
early in the pregnancy, but the scene where Scully's water broke in
Doggett's face was utterly implausible. It really is time for 1013 to hire
some female staff.

Aderyn: Are you listening, Chris? I volunteer my services!
Skull: Not that kind of staff.
Aderyn: Hey, that was an insult.
Skull: No it wasn't.
Aderyn: Was too.
Skull: Was not.
Aderyn: <happy sigh> Ah, it's good to be back in the zone.

To the delight of many, our favourite teeth-clencher also made an
appearance in the episode. Skinner, clad in a yellow shirt with daisies on
it, had a lovely time chasing beavers around Phoenix. Fortunately for the
plot, one friendly beaver led him through the desert and straight to
Gibson Praise, who was hanging out with a bunch of telepathic poodles
at a school for the deaf. On the way, Skinner passed an oddly-shaped
Greyhound bus, but thought little of it.

A decidedly odd plot twist in the episode came with the revelation that
Mulder was dying, and had been for some time. Finding himself a little
short on family members, he'd also had the foresight to engrave his
tombstone, pick out his pall-bearers, have his coffin polished, compose
both his obituary and his eulogy, and select the hymns to be sung at his
funereal service. He'd even arranged for flowers to be sent periodically to
his grave. But he trusts Scully with his life. Yep.

Aderyn: <sniffle> I can just picture that bootiful tombstone: "RIP, Fox
Mulder, 1961 - 2000 (or maybe 2001, '02, or what the hell, 1961 -
whenever, depending on whether this particular plot device is a Carter
brain-fart or not). Beloved son of Bill and Teeeena, who both died because
of Mulder's work. Brother of Samantha, now residing in the land of the
starlight. Partner of Scully, with whom he was romantically involved but
never boffed. Father of a baby, possibly alien, that he doesn't know about
yet."
Skull: It's obvious what 1013 is trying to do here. Mulder's gonna die,
then they'll resurrect him in a few months to save the world from sin...or
maybe aliens.
Aderyn: Why does he get a coffin then? They should nail him to a cross.
Skull: They can't. Scully's got it. <snerk>

Anyway, as a viewer I was somewhat concerned about the scenes that
featured Mulder undergoing a facelift operation by the aliens. If we are to
believe all the sci-fi movies, aliens are supposed to be much more
technologically advanced than we are. So how does one explain the rusty
can opener and egg beater that featured as operating equipment?

Aderyn: I think there was a turkey baster there too.

I cannot in good conscience let this review pass without an in-depth
analysis of the show's new star. Many fans were annoyed about the
constant stream of articles citing Doggett as great character, a character
with big testicles, a character with an edge, a character who would
breathe new life into the show. Now that we've actually seen this
character, we are happy to report that he is a great character, a character
with big testicles, a character with an edge, and a character who will
breathe new life into the show. Who would have guessed?

Aderyn: Well, certainly not the pollsters, who got it totally wrong! They
predicted that Mulder had the most impressive testicles, and therefore
announced that he'd won the popular vote in the Best Man for the Show
contest!
Skull: Ooh, that must be why Doggett raced over to Mulder's apartment
- the poor dear was ready to concede.
Aderyn: That was such a dramatic moment. I was so freakin' glad when
they called for a last minute recount. Doggett is the MAN. He's a macho
melange of liquid metal, testosterone, and BBQ'd beaver.
Skull: Shrimp.
Aderyn: He can't be part-shrimp because I've consulted Yahoo maps,
and conducted some indepth research, and they don't chuck shrimps on
the BBQ in Raleigh, or Washington DC, or Texas, all of which are
approximately a gazillion miles away from shrimp-country. Besides
which, during this review there's been a swing of something like three
hundred votes towards the Doggett camp since we mentioned the word
BEAVER, meaning that if you include the overseas voters, and the
college votes from the English Majors' cabal then we might have just won
Doggett a chance should there be a re-election. However, the third
MANLY candidate, Skinner, might prove a foil for...
Skull: Stop. Talking.

However, we have reason to be suspicious of where Doggett's loyalties
lie. Throughout the episode he morphed into many different forms,
including an OTG, a TNG, a LMG, an OMM, and countless others,
giving rise to concern that he may in fact be an ABH. In addition to this,
he apparently gave birth to some alien life forms known as Skippers and
Dippers. But these can probably all be explained if viewed through the
lens of science. The last thing we want is for Scully to start making
Mulderesque leaps of logic.

Speaking of Scully, she appears to have finally moved house. While in
previous episodes she rode in elevators, she has now progressed to
stairs - a definite sign of advancement.

Aderyn: No no, you've got it all wrong. She's still in the same apartment,
they just built a couple of extra floors under her.
Skull: No, you idjut. She moved to Canada, along with most of the
members of the OBSSE. Though why they can't just come to Australia is
beyond me.
Aderyn: She moved to Canada and took her window with her?
Skull: Sure. Why not?
Aderyn: And she just commutes to work every day?
Skull: Yep.
Aderyn: Um. Why?
Skull: So her daughter will be in a comfortable environment when she
starts school.
Aderyn: You mean the ALIEN FOETUS?
Skull: Yep.
Aderyn: ...why is this so easy for me to accept?

A welcome addition to the episode was a telephonic appearance by our
very own Ma Scully. Although it was wonderful to hear her motherly
voice, I personally was quite concerned about the implications this could
have for her health. We never see our dear Ma anymore. She couldn't
be...DEAD, could she? After all, phone messages seem to be Scully's
preferred method of communication with those in The Hereafter, and she
certainly talks to dead family members more often than those who are
still of this world. I beseech you all to join me in a prayer for the survival
of our most holy mother.

Aderyn: Hell, you want to know what I think?
Skull: No.
Aderyn: I think that Sheila Larken thought she was onto a winner by
staying in Canada. Now that Scully, her alien foetus, her window, the
BBQ'd beaver, and the OBSSE Abbey have re-located to her country
she's probably gone into hiding. And she thinks that she can still phone in
her performances!
Skull: Heh heh. Yeah, maybe she's afraid she might actually have to do
some work for once.
Aderyn: Like babysitting, romancing Skinner, and being Mother Plus, like
she is in all that goopy fanfic I sometimes read.
Skull: You hearing what we're saying Ma? If you're not dead, you are
required to actually turn up for work every now and again. <glare>
Aderyn: Such sweet, sweet words. <sniff>

Gillian Anderson once again proved that she deserves all the prizes in
this stunning season opener. The scene where she stood in front of the
mirror, fondling her cross, adjusting her boobs, pulling buttons off her
shirt, floofing up her *fabulous* hair and telling bathroom jokes was
nothing short of incredible in its poignancy. David Duchovny also
impressed with his moving portrayal of a man contractually bound to
scream and wince a lot. Never let it be said that I'm an EVIL SCULLYIST
who won't give credit where credit is due.

Overall, this first episode of the much-dreaded Season Eight was a
promising opener to what I'm sure will be a revolutionary term. As long as
Doggett and Mulder don't have Not!Sex with a busty brunette like last
season, I feel that the only way to go from here is up.

Aderyn: Hee.

Be sure to tune in next week, when with any luck we'll have the results of
he Best Man for the Show contest. Will it be Mulder, who now seems
fairly sure of his victory even though the majority of fans voted for the
opposition? Or will it be Doggett, who was cruelly deprived of several
votes by people who accidentally punched a hole in the Queequeg box?
Find out when Aderyn zips up her fly and steps up to the podium for her
maiden speech of the new season.

--end

[Skull note: It's good to be back, dammit!]