Severed Review: "Via Negativa"
By Skullhead

This week's episode of XF signalled yet another return to the days of
yore, where there was lots of spooky music, velvet darkness, budget
effects and your basic generic ickiness. Only problem was, Mulder was
still off with the boys and Scully was losing her head, leaving it to
Agent Woof-Woof to have creepy dreams, play with lethal weapons and
weirdass creatures, and experience intimate pajamaic moments. I've said
it before and I'll say it again - no matter how much of his butt Pluto
displays, he can't hold a candle to the glorious partnership that is
Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Aderyn: With the eternal question being, why did Goofy wear pants if
Pluto didn't?
Skull: Goofy was a humanoid dog. Pluto was a dog dog.
Aderyn: Which is Doggett?
Skull: Um. Both?
Aderyn: Hmmm. All right. Uh, why are we having this conversation in the
first place?
Skull: You asked.
Aderyn: Oh. You must be extremely short on material this week.
Skull: I don't need material. Pluto doesn't *wear* pants.
Aderyn: If that was intended to qualify as a joke, Christmas has affected
your brain more than I thought.
Skull: Mmm. Yeah. <giggle>

This week's excursion saw Doggett taking a journey to dreamland and
acting out all his favourite fantasies, which evidently included
decapitating Scully. I was pleased to see that Doggett feels comfortable
enough to express his feelings of inadequacy in the new partnership - the
last thing we need is more angsty repression from our leads. However, I
felt the envelope was pushed a little too far when he began sharing some
more trivial personal information. Pinching Skinner's butt was a
somewhat racy move for primetime television, and joining with the Lone
Gunmen to form a Beatles imitation group really did cross the border into
painful territory.

Aderyn: But I liked the duet he did with Langley. Forget Paul - John and
Ringo duets, that's where the gold is.
Skull: And I'd just like to take a moment to thank 1013 for the touching
SVYRDMUL reference. We would have settled for something more subtle, but
throwing in a Scully severed head was a wonderfully sentimental gesture
and we appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
Aderyn: Imagine. <sniffle> Just for us...ALL FOR US...he beheads our
treasured saint and shows her grotesquely bleeding cranium rolling around
on the carpet. <blows nose>
Skull: <sob> You know how much we love you, Chris, right? You know?
You're just... <flailing hand>...yeah. You know? <wipes eyes>

Testosterone ran rampant this week, with many eagle-eyed viewers spotting
UST between Doggett and Byers in addition to the now legendary Skinner
Ass Squeeze. There were also some heated scenes involving Doggett
lovingly fondling his axe and Skinner playing with his giant saw.
However, it's unclear which of these weapons was responsible for Scully's
subsequent beheading, as both parties instantly blamed the other.

Aderyn: Well, boys will be boys I guess.
Skull: It's fun until somebody loses a head.
Aderyn: Oopsie! There goes your testosterone.

In addition to the apparent Slash-o-Rama, there were some sparks of the
heterosexual variety flying through the air. 1013 made a daring move by
pulling out a standard late-night-visit-with-pajamas-and-rumpled-hair
scene, given that the 'ship has been put on hold until February. Scully
seemed quite at home in her new role as the Door Demolisher, but Doggett
seemed a little uncomfortable with being the Pajama Prancer - a sure sign
that romance is NOT going to happen here. The Scully-Mulder partnership
is sacred and should not be violated by a new guy with his tail wagging
and his tongue hanging out.

Aderyn: What?! You're insane! Scully and Doggett make the perfect
couple!!! He's so strong and silent, and the way he has no discernible
personality is just so cuuute! And it's so adorable when he chastises her
like a substitute father-slash-mother figure, his great big balls (where
his wisdom doth originate), swinging masterfully all the while <drool>.
Ooh, and when he simply ignores her and talks to all those man-cops,
pretending that it's all about him!! <THUD> I can't believe you don't see
the potential in this new partnership! It's *good* that Mulder's out of
the way. Now Scully has someone who really *appreciates* her! Oh, and
they are so copulating like rabid, horny bacteria cells during the
commercials.
Skull: Oh. My. God. *Please* tell me you're not turning into one of those
dopey Dippers.
Aderyn: Tut tut. I would prefer it if you would refer to us Dopey Dippers
as the DeeDees. It's such a fortunate acronym, as we should snare a crop
of daft Mulderists for some crafty reprogramming sessions. We'll have the
whole of Philedom gazing adoringly at Special Agent Terminator-Testicles
in no time. <preen> And anyway, Sister-The-Ship-Has-Sunk-So-Get-Over-It,
I have a right to express myself without fear of being disparaged. It's a
free country.
Skull: Oh, right. And I suppose you dream about Scully and Doggett
getting married and moving into a house with a white picket fence and
honeysuckle growing over the windows. That would be one elaborate dog
kennel, missy.
Aderyn: Ha! You think you're so-
Skull: Wait, shut up a minute. I just remembered what the next
paragraph's going to be about.

We gained a new insight into Doggett's character this week, as we were
treated to a viewing of the lush interior of his residence. While Mulder
and Scully (strapped-for-cash agents who have no money for rent after
buying that essential Armani) are forced to live in el cheapo apartments,
the new manly man apparently has enough spare change to rent some deluxe
housing. As a viewer I felt very happy for Doggett - he's lucky enough to
be near many like-minded individuals, he's fed regularly, and
occasionally he even gets taken for a walk. Oh, and don't worry ladies -
it'll be a few months yet before termination enters into the equation.

Aderyn: You're really enjoying this doghouse angle, aren't you?
Skull: <giggle> Yeah. Is that wrong?
Aderyn: Wrong? No. Funny? That would also be a no.
Skull: You're just bitchy because of that Dipper thing.
Aderyn: Well, yes. I really feel that your uncharitable comments
regarding my shippial orientation were *completely* uncalled for,
especially in light of how tolerant I was about your histrionic
shipperdom last season.
Skull: Tolerant?! You call punching holes in my cranium *tolerant*?!
Aderyn: It was for your own good. <head toss>...and while we're on the
subject, why do you insist on putting so many stupid little <actions>
into the reviews? My body language is being grossly exaggerated. And
really, they just clutter up your already loose writing.
Skull: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?

[Aderyn dons a Mickey Mouse suit, eats several cartons of ice cream, and
maniacally dances the Macarena around the room]

Aderyn: Hey! That's not funny! Make me stop dancing!

[Aderyn passes a mirror]

Aderyn: AAAARRRGGHHH! Stop torturing me!

[Aderyn shuts her big fat slanderous mouth]

Aderyn: Mmmph.

The most moving scene of the episode occurred when Doggett, consumed by
Oedipal conflicts and lots of penis envy, walloped off Scully's head.
Poor Scully then experienced some yucky abdominal pains, so she stood up
and attempted to call 911 - but found herself tragically unable to do so
since, well, she didn't have a head. It was an extremely touching
conclusion to the Hair Arc, and it gives me great pain to declare the H
in CHarc obsolete. That H is now silent. Scully's head has Carc'd it.

Aderyn: Mmmph.

This disturbing scene meant that a warning was issued prior to the
episode. As a reviewer, I feel obliged to reproduce it here. "Warning:
This episode may contain scenes that viewers may find disturbing, and may
result in acute, severe abdominal pain; acute, mild abdominal pain;
chronic, severe abdominal pain; chronic, mild abdominal pain; and
intermittent, severe abdominal pain. There is also no Mulder or Scully in
this episode, and therefore much craptitude will occur."

Aderyn: MMMPH.
Skull: What is it?
Aderyn: Mmmph. Mmmph?
Skull: Do you promise to play nice?
Aderyn: Mmmph.
Skull: All right.

[Aderyn is permitted to open her big fat slanderous mouth on the
condition that she shows the proper amount of respect for the person
who's doing the freakin' reviewing]

Aderyn: Thank you. Can I please take this suit off too? It scares me.

Skull: Maybe later. What did you want to say?
Aderyn: Hmmm? Oh. I was going to say that I don't buy your explanation of
why Doggett decapitated Scully. Freud can explain a lot of things, but he
doesn't apply to a situation where a manly, XXXL-testicled man decides to
chop off the head of his new partner, who has apparently become the new
mother figure in his life.
Skull: You're kidding, right?

Our favourite gastrointestinal-condition-suffering character, Kersh, also
made an appearance in this episode. I must admit that I didn't understand
the relevance of his writing two hundred postcards to a friend in
Namibia, but we did garner some valuable, albeit strange, insight into
his character with the revelation that he refuses to dot his I's and
cross his T's. Freud could probably explain that one too.

Aderyn: <snicker> Doggett without the crossed T's would be Doggell.
That's nearly Doggerel.
Skull: Yeah. Heh.
Aderyn: Can I take off the suit now?
Skull: Let me think. No.

The final scene of the ep provided some much-needed comic relief for the
undoubtedly disturbed viewers; all the characters played an amusing
variation on the game of LeapFrog, involving the hurdling of tuataras
whose butts were clad in jeans. It was affectionately titled Mulderleaping.

Aderyn: Hee hee. Pity it didn't involve somebody accidentally jumping on
Mulder's head.
Skull: Please don't speak ill of the abducted.
Aderyn: But Mulder is a thorny obstacle in the path of Doggett and
Scully's true lurve.

[Skull puts a padlock on the zippers of Aderyn's Mickey Mouse suit.
Aderyn whimpers in terror.]

"Via Negativa" was an excellent character-driven episode for the new
season. It proved that Doggett is a murdering asswipal character in his
own right, and he does not need Scully's cranium to help him carry the
show. In spite of this, however, I must take a moment to point out that
there is no evidence of UST between Scully's head and Doggett. I've heard
of attraction of the minds, but this is ridiculous.

Aderyn: But they're-
Skull: Look, I'll make this easy for you. If you ever mention this to me
again, I will melt down the key to that padlock and shape it into a
necklace, which I will then use to hypnotise you into believing that you
are indeed Mickey Mouse. Do we have an understanding?
Aderyn: <petrified squeak>

Be sure to join us in a couple of weeks' time, when you'll find out
whether Aderyn is doomed to spend the rest of her days as a Disney
character in red suspenders. <giggle> Happy Holidays, everyone!

--end