Severed Review: "Three Words"
By Aderyn

Three Words was so special an episode that it was screened three times
in one evening in the Boston area. Once at the usual nine, then again at
ten, and then at nine again. While some would consider this
programming decision ridiculously repetitive and a little monotonous,
others welcomed the opportunity to be able to view CC's complex vision
thrice-fold. Indeed, it would be easy to dismiss "Three Words" with such
titular-appropriate taciturnity as "Well, that SUCKED", or maybe "Die,
Carter, DIE", but multiple viewings served to unlock the secrets of this ep
for those that took the trouble. Like myself, of course.

Skull: You haven't seen this freakin' episode even ONCE.
Aderyn: Stop nitpicking my megalomaniacal cosmology.
Skull: <whine> But it's what I do be-hest.

In the absence of Fox Mulder, The X-Files has made every effort to
develop the character of Dana Scully. Season eight, thus far, has been a
heartening journey, as we've finally witnessed her extend and augment,
as we knew she was capable. And in the Punk's absence, finally given
the space she always deserved, allowing her to fill every available piece
of screen space with her enormous talent. In "Three Words" Mulder
returned, but Scully's impressively enlarged presence, thankfully,
remained. We witnessed shot after shot of the swollen-bellied feebee
waddling around the screen. There certainly haven't been many
comparable TV pregnancies of this calibre.

Skull: There haven't been many 17-month long pregnancies, duh-duh-
dumbo.
Aderyn: Hey, you can't deny it - Scully roolz. She's all knocked-up with an
unidentifiable entity, and she still has the fashion sense to wear a bitchin'
pair of heels to complement those swollen ankles and that enormous
belly.
Skull: I knew there was a reason I still worship this woman.

Two words about The Punk: He's back. Oh, and one more word:
Aarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh. An arduous journey it's been, and his Punkly
actions in this episode can be attributed to this. While some viewers
found his obnoxious, sarcastic retorts a little difficult to stomach, it's
probable that being unleashed from a metallic diaper in an interstellar-
creche, embalmed, cremated, buried alive, exhumed and reincarnated as
an ass would make a person a little pissy.
Skull: Poor Mouldy. He was probably suffering from Post-Abduction
Trauma.
Aderyn: Or maybe the embalming fluid had clogged his brain, thus
causing Dysfunctional and Antisocial Behaviour combined with delusional
self-important Messiah!Angst.
Skull: When you think about it, he's just his old self again, really.

Myriad psychological-induced ailments aside, it seems unlikely that
Mulder could have awakened from his deathly slumber and not noticed
that Scully's waistband had expanded faster than Chris Carter's ego.
While there's a minuscule possibility that he was sensitive enough to
remain tacit, because he didn't want to ask Scully how she got so fat, with
what we know of the character, this seems as likely as say... a successful
and satisfying resolution to the series. Just in case that wasn't clear:
IMPOSSIBLE. The Mulder we once knew and loved surely would have
quizzed our Saint on her enormous bun?

Skull: It's obvious that seeing Scully all knocked up has subconsciously
reminded him that there are several hamsters gestating in his jowls, thus
triggering a nasty bout of Fear of Fatherhood, with the possible double-
whammy of Hamster Baby Phobia.
Aderyn: Oh Doctor, are you telling me that he's gone into denial! <quiver>
What's the prognosis?
Skull: It's a dire and distressing case. I predict many inappropriate and
insensitive comments as he attempts to neglect his paternal duties,
culminating in irritating and otherwise plot-fluff references to basketball
and/or his porn collection.
Aderyn: Yep, you were right, Mulder's back to his old self again. <happy
nod>

Over the years, 1013 have shown a merciless disregard for the well-
being of their cast. It's a little cringe-worthy that they're now having to
resurrect many DEAD beings in the interest of having enough characters
to manipulate. Not only was Mouldy Mulder resuscitated after being laid
to rest, but SamAntha, poor SamAntha, was also whizzed back on the
Starlight express clutching her toaster from the great beyond. The
undertakers in Raleigh must be getting mighty peeved with having to alter
that friggin Mulder family tombstone for every death, revival, death, oooh
another revival.

Skull: Can you imagine the reunion back at the Mulder house? I'll bet that
Fox and Sam settle right down to a battle of Stratego for old times sake.
Look at us Stoopid!Aliens, we're ba-ack!
Aderyn: Neato. Although, I'll bet it'd be difficult for the Punk to move
those little game pieces now that his living!dead fingers are rigour
mortised, not to mention that they've been cremated and embalmed.
Skull: You think? <eyeroll>
Aderyn: Starlight Sam is going to be able to kick his ass! Finally!

In a clever twist, this ep quietly disclosed the father of Scully's offspring.
While some wanted goopy fanfare, tears, spooning, and such sentimental
claptrap, I was personally very happy with the way this delicate matter
was unveiled in such an unobtrusive manner. It's hardly surprising that
Scully, sans access to Mulder-sperm, would settle for the second best
option, one of his best liddle swimmers from his fishtank. An excellent
conclusion to the mystery of "Who Done Scully?" The look on Mulder's
face as he quizzed Scully on the whereabouts of the little scaly rascal
was worth the price of admission alone.

Skull: If Scully is pregnant by one of those darling fish, then doesn't this
pose an interesting scenario for the birth? Don't fish usually spawn a
gazillion progeny? I mean, there could literally be hundreds of little
Sculders swimming around in there.
Aderyn: Yey. The future of the world is secure. How can Carter go wrong
when he's got so many new family members to slay for dramatic
purposes?
Skull: Exactly. And really, now that they're exhuming and resurrecting all
of the Mulder clan, there'll be plenty of living-dead family ready and
willing to babysit for all the Sculders while the dynamic duo are out
fighting crime and/or having steamy sex.
Aderyn: I guess so. At least Teeeeena and Sheeeeeeila won't suffer from
grandma-envy over who has most access to the kiddies. They'll be able
to take a coupla hundred each, and plonk the lot in their respective
bathtubs, until Mama and Papa get back from saving da world... or back
from the hair salon.
Skull: And then they'll scoop all the Scaly!Sculders up with a fishnet, so
that they can take them home to Casa Scully-Mulder in the Burbs.
Aderyn: Hey, do you think that Lariat will custom-make a water tank for
the back of their rental car? It could get awfully squishy!fishy in the back
seat otherwise.
Skull: Is it just me, or is this conversation getting disturbingly surreal... I
mean, even for us?

While the majority of this episode is to be praised for a plausible storyline,
and neat premise, there was one section of this episode that took the
proverbial piss with its totally RIDICULOUS leap onto the IMPLAUSIBLE
train - destination, CRAPVILLE. It's simply inexcusable that Mulder could
make a quip about the Presidential elections. How could he ever have
knowledge of such matters?! The world of XF is about freaky aliens, corn
eating llamas, the mouldy living-dead, reincarnated messiahs, good hair,
covert government conspiracies, and other such mundane realities. It's
simply INSULTING to the viewer to suggest that Mulder would have
enough wherewithal to know about the presidential election race of his
own country. DIE, DIE, DIE, EVERYBODY DIE.

Skull: I've had enough of this - you're so freakin' negative sometimes. I
wish you'd shut the hell up. How are you any authority on Mulder? YOU
DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
Aderyn: Holy flaming bananas, darlin', I was only venting. I didn't mean
anything by it!
Skull: Ahem. What brought you here?
Aderyn: Pssssst, Numbskull, if we're going to parody onlist events maybe
we should try to be a little more subtle?
Skull: Just answer the damn question and maybe nobody will notice.
What freakin' brought you here?
Aderyn: Blah blah blah <schmoop> I wuv you guys.
Skull: Saved. Just. <mops sweaty brow>

The performances in this episode were uniformly excellent. Duchovny
played a crankypanted dead guy to perfection, and surely must have had
to skim right to the surface of his personality to find inspiration for this.
Special mention must be made of Gillian Anderson, who waddled and
tummy-rubbed her way into some prizegiving ceremony. I hear they give
you a really nice dinner at those events. Go, Gilly, go!

However *the* pivotal turn in "Three Words" was given by an inanimate
object, in an anthropomorphic extravaganza of a performance. Molly,
dear Molly, she who movingly met Her Maker in a sob-worthy turn of
events. Who would have thought that a couch could emote with such skill
as she subtly morphed from a snazzy stripy cream skin to a mournful
Skull: Why, oh why, do they always kill off the best characters? It's so
<sniffle> unfair.
Aderyn: Molly, we hardly knew thee. I hope that Couch Heaven is kinder
than this mortal land, which was so cruel and malevolent to your
upholstered goodness. RIP.
Skull: Wait, what are we saying! This is XF!! Molly the couch will be back
in no time.
Aderyn: Yeah, and knowing CC and his miserly ways she'll probably get
reincarnated as a freakin' plot-fart... or maybe a surfboard that he can
thwack himself up the head with.
Skull: Huh, this reincarnation revenge thingo has possibilities.

In the three months that Fox Mulder has been eating soil, much has
changed on the X-Files. The sexual orientation of the lead characters, for
one, as the Punk groped Frohike in a surprisingly touching reunion
scene. Also, and arguably more importantly, it was disclosed that
cheerwine is now available to buy from a store near you.

Skull: Buy some. I predict y'all are gonna need some cheering up in the
forthcoming weeks.
Aderyn: So thoughtful of them to take long-time fans needs into
consideration, isn't it? <glug...glug...*hic*...smile>

Three Words: Fight the Future (translation: OMG! Scully's pregnant by a
freakin' goldfish and MoUldEr's cranky dead ass is back. Somebody kill
this forking show already before things deteriorate even further!). Ten
Words: It could be worse. At least Fowley's still dead . Thirty Four
Words: Tune in next week when Skull will cast a finely honed, yet
strangely nonsensical eye over the available XF fare. At least, she will if
there's any list discussion with which we can play. ;)

-end