Severed Review: "Theef"
By Aderyn

Every now and again an episode is screened that reminds us why we
love "The X-Files." An episode that leaves us fulfilled and restores our
collective karma. An episode that manages to be both Scullycentric *and*
stuffed to the brim with gratuitous shots of Loa's... I mean Krycek's ass.
"Theef" was not one of those episodes.

The inevitable let down after "The Truth" fell upon poor Theefy's
shoulders. Obviously exhausted after answering every question and
granting every wish last week, the slack-assed boys at 1013 seemed to
have rushed through every aspect of this poor neglected episode. It's a
sad day when Carter (aka he who has committed the most heinous of
thesaurus-related crimes) stoopidly neglects to run the scripts and their
titles through a spellchecker. Duh.

Skull: Well, I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt in this case -
he probably used Microsoft Word. Did you know that when I run your
name through the spellchecker, the only suggestion is Adrian? What the
hell is an adrian?
Aderyn: It's Spawnie guest-starring on Twin Peaks. What does your
name come up as?
Skull: ...
Aderyn: Oh. Right. Well, what's the big deal about having a dictionarily
recognised name?
Skull: Autumn has one.
Aderyn: <sniffle>
Skull: Aw, quit bawling. Just remember that nobody can ever, ever beat a
Welsh person at Scrabble. They look at their seven consonants and go, "I win!"
Aderyn: Oh, I feel *so* much better.
Skull: So what was the correct title, anyway? "Thief?"
Aderyn: No, it was supposed to be "Beef."
Skull: Okay, before you go any further I'd just like to remind everyone that
you live in a country that has a disease called "mad cow."
Aderyn: Moo! <twitch>
Skull: Before you udder another word, please stop milking this title
misunderstanding. It's a load of bull, and you're using it as a cattle-ist to
lower the steaks.
Aderyn: Burger off.

"Theef" was populated by your typically well-rounded, politically incorrect
1013 stereotypes. UnEdukaTed folk fraternised with some wealthy
medical doctors, evil landlords, grammatically-challenged supermarket
workers and know-it-all English majors.

Skull: Ahem, I believe you've forgotten a very important character.
Aderyn: Why, I can't imagine who that could be.
Skull: The freakin' SKULL. The one who was carried around by its father.
Aderyn: This is so not fair. You're getting name-dropped all the time this
season.
Skull: Oh, I think you got a little mention in "Signs and Wonders".
Remember the snake slut with the terrible hair? I saw that as a beautiful
and fitting tribute to you.

The primary character was called Peatie, Peattie, or p'eat'tie depending
on your spellchecking programme, your mastery of the English language,
and on your genealogy. This hick spoke an interesting hybridization of
Pig Latin, Cajun, and French.

Skull: Pigus baconentum le porc.
Aderyn: Oink oinkitas y'all.

The story revolved around Poor Pa Peattie, who had lost a daughter
many years ago and was determined to avenge this tragedy. Peattie had
an unusual disorder - an inability to recognise and use modern-day
kitchen equipment. This sorry illness meant that he relied on popcorn and
vending machine goodies for sustenance, which sadly resulted in him
becoming a lonely, crud-infested folk-magic practitioner.

Peattie was an interesting looking character, and a nice contrast to the
well manicured, toothsome, power-dressing duo we call M&S. His
fingernails and teeth were filthy, as befits one who throws around hex dirt
for kicks. However, this hick-colour had its negativity - as Scully and
Mulder strained to understand his protestations of innocence, they got
splattered with popcorn fragments, saliva and magic dirt. Luckily She
Who Is Always Prepared whipped out her matching his 'n' hers plaid
umbrellas enabling the duo to duck for cover.

Skull: Think they have his 'n' hers Sig Sauers?
Aderyn: His 'n' hers Flowbees.
Skull: His 'n' hers handcuffs.
Aderyn: His 'n' hers bullet scars.
Skull: His 'n' hers reserved hospital rooms.
Aderyn: His 'n' hers jumbo-sized family cemetery plots.

The folk magic that was the root cause of the deaths, typos and crud
made for interesting viewing. Peattie was quite adept at witchcraft, and
used his skill to cast malicious spells on anyone who took his fancy. Of
course, Scully (who takes everyone's fancy) became the focus of his
twisted affections. Peattie's method of magic was to make cute liddle
scullycentric dollies out of cloth, called poppets.

Skull: So the poppets were basically PIs?
Aderyn: Yeah, only they were more flexible, and less shapely.
Skull: Oh, remember that time you melted your PI in the oven? "Just to
see what would happen."
Aderyn: Happy memories indeed.
Skull: Ooh - more sappy reminiscing from the severed archives -
remember that time we had that contest to see who could hack the most
off their PI's hair?
Aderyn: Oh you're making me tear up. Such sweet, sweet memories.

As is the way with XF, unconventional and traditional explanations were
given equal focus during this episode. Magic versus medicine - who
won? The viewer was left to decide. This reviewer certainly feels that the
angsty supermarket sequence was pleasingly unbiased. Was it Peattie
stabbing hat pins through the PI/poppet's eyes, or Scully stumbling upon
a sign that read "get yer misspelled, I'll-put-this-'ere-apostrophe-
wherever-I-goddamn-feel-like-it, grammatically incorrect produce hear, I
mean here," that caused our Saint to become temporarily blind?

Skull: ... <gulp> So, erm, hypothetically speaking of course, if two
scullynemic Sisters had inadvertently indulged in a little hair voodoo, right
about the time that Scully's locks became inexplicably short, they should
hypothetically never speak of this event again?
Aderyn: <OMG> Hypothetically, those Sisters should run as fast as their
little legs can carry them as soon as they're done with the review. The
hypothetical review. Yeah that's right. <OMG, we are *so* dead>

There is only so much supermarket angst that one episode can contain,
even when there's eye candy like Blind!Scully to keep the viewer
entertained. It was an ingenious touch to transport the viewer to the idyllic
log cabin that Scully and her partner had hired for the weekends sleuthing.

Skull: Bonking.
Aderyn: Sleuthing.
Skull: Come on, that whole Log Cabin thing is a NC-17 fanfic cliché - that
was such a nod to the viewer that S&M are working their way through the
Kama Sutra between takes.
Aderyn: If only that were true. I think it was more likely that it was a subtle
Fest advertising ploy by the elders of this fine Abbey. Registration
currently stands at 102 - they still need another 8 victim… erm folks to sign up.
Skull: Wow! Autumn really does have connections at the Fox lot.

Set in the wilds of Minnesota the engaging beauty of the surrounding
countryside was the perfect environment for Mulder and Scully to waste
away their weekend. The deluxe log cabin contained a Jacuzzi, a dance
floor, projection screen, not!videos, and lots and lots of rabid nuns.

Skull: STOP IT!! This is torture.
Aderyn: <sniffle> Don't worry Skull, the online Not!Fest will be just as
much fun. <sob>
Skull: Pass me a tissue wouldja?
Aderyn: Besides, our Severed-themed parcel will be sent over the
Atlantic to Fest via Snail Mail, (or a naïve sister AJ.) It will represent us. It'll cause
trouble for us.
Skull: You sure that thing's going to get through customs? <evil cackle>

The shooting locations just kept on delighting the audience - from one
dodgy fanfic staple to the next - the log cabin to the MC Morgue. It was at
the mature content gurney that the episode's most interesting sequence
took place. Scully (looking delightful in her red scrubs) seemed to be
enjoying the relative freedom her internal organ coloured outfit allowed
her, and it was nice to see her performing the Y-incision with such gusto.
Viscera tumbled out of the weighing scales, blood cascaded over the
steel bed...

Skull: Erm, I think MC equals sex, not sicko autopsy observations.

[Skull starts to *play* with her Mulder and Scully PIs]

Aderyn: Oh, right!

Mulder rushed into the MC morgue wearing an adorably bemused, totally
besotted look on his ruggedly handsome face. He clutched onto a red
rose, and a stereo that throbbed to the strains of Whitney's "I will always
love you." Scully was almost bursting with joy, as he had made it just in
time to escort her to the annual FBI ball. Her only concern was that she
had nothing suitable to wear, but the ever resourceful Mulder thoughtfully
nipped and tucked her crimson scrubs into a beautifully revealing evening
dress. Together they gracefully mounted the steel gurney and wheeled
themselves out of the morgue towards the direction of the ball, Mulder
whispering sweet enigmatic nothings into Scully's ear all the while.

Skull: Eww, what kind of evil pervert are you? <shudder>

[Skull throws down her PIs]

Aderyn: ... huh... what just happened?
Skull: Trust me when I say that you'd rather not know. Maybe now's a
good time to wrap up this baby? Say something nice about Scully's hair.

"Theef" was a well executed and acted episode. It was especially notable
that Scully's hair was looking really good, so good in fact that it banished
every bad CHarc memory that has plagued Abbey denizens over the last
few months. This reviewer certainly feels that it's time to stop looking for
those responsible for the tressled atrocities that befell our Saint, and to
move onto other more pertinent issues - like lipstick colours.

Skull: <whispering> Keep going, I'm putting on my running shoes.
Aderyn: <mumbling> They can still hear you, stoopid.

As good as Scully's hair was this episode, it is obvious that even greater
delights await us next week. There are two very good reasons for being
excited about "En Ami." If you want All to Be Revealed then you can check
your inboxes next week, when Skull will scribble something barely legible
for ya - that is assuming that she hasn't drowned in drool, or been caught
by an elder.

Skull: Is that it?
Aderyn: -end
Skull: RUN!