Severed Review: "Sein Und Zeit"
By Aderyn

It seems so long ago that we last had a good bite of mytharse to chew
upon but it apparently returned during Sein Und Zeit. 1013, aka those
that have spent their lifetimes in studious pursuit of the most
indecipherable arcs, tried their best to illuminate to us lesser mortals the
truth that has so long eluded us. CC decided to package this gift in
Christmas wrapping. We love holiday specials here at SVYRDMUL
Incorporated, and this one was especially touching, featuring as it did,
infanticide, suicide, and a side order of MAN PAIN.

Sein Und Zeit's focus was that hive of healthy familial relations, the saga
of the Mulders. While Samantha's disappearance has long ceased to be
the lifeblood of the show, it is still firmly embedded in the consciousness
of philes everywhere.

[Aderyn's cell phone rings]

Aderyn: Yeah.
Skull: It's me.
Aderyn: Who?

Samantha Mulder, that most carterhooyed of characters - girl? Woman?
Hybrid? Burbite? Who cares? - suddenly became Thought of the Day
again following a spate of child abductions. The obvious problem with
such a long-winded, antiquated arc is that the actresses who have played
young Sam in the past have all growed up. The obvious solution was to
hire a new face to pose for all those Stratego-playing flashbacks and cute
family photos. However, the casting department really messed up when
they hired the No-Hair-Prancy-Body-Double, who despite being able to
emote the PAIN of being born into the Mulder clan, just looked plain
ridiculous in his braided toupee.

[Aderyn's cell phone rings *again*]

Aderyn: Who the hell is this?
Skull: It's ME... SKULLHEAD, the one you like to injure on a regular basis.
Aderyn: Skull! Where have you been? I've been stuck down in the
freakin' wine cellar for over a week. I just can't find my way out.
Skull: Bummer, dude. Tell you what, I can phone in my performance this
week. Carry on, I'm listening.

The pursuit of answers to questions many of us have stopped asking led
the FBI's most celibate on the trail of a red-velveteened psycho called
Santa Creep. This latest manifestation of evil resided in the slyly named
hideout, Santa's Village, in the Santa Cruz mountains. Scully, Mulder,
and tag-a-long Skinner began their eventful road trip. A few wrong turns
and 74 highways later they reached their destination.

Skull: Hey! Guess what?!
Aderyn: What? Do tell!!
Skull: I've never been to Santa Cruz !
Aderyn: Wow. What a coincidence. Neither have I !!!:) :) :)

Santa's Village offered little in the way of answers pertaining to
Samantha's fate. It did however harbour a dangerous criminal in its
midst, and it was good to see that Scully and Mulder dealt with this
deranged psycho in a suitably severe manner -- they left Skinner to deal
with it. The angsty sequence that followed was lightened slightly by the
appearance of Skinner's doppelganger, Fatter, who provided comic relief
as he galumphed his way around the reindeer pen, chasing after the lard-
ass pedophile.

Skull: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas everyone.
Aderyn: Oh, give me a break, I've had nothing but alco<hic>holic
beverages for sustenance this week. It's affecting my already limited
mental capacities.
Skull: Yeah, we definitely need to get you out of there, before your li'l
drinkies problem totally ruins our already tenuous reputation. Ummm...
are you anywhere near a door? What can you see?
Aderyn: Everything's kinda' blurry, but I can see lots of empty bottles.
Lots of bottles everywhere.
Skull: I think we need to get you some orientation -- if I can find a map of
the cellar I'll be able to direct you out of there. Okay? Hold on, Ad, I'm
going to hire us a Lariat car. I hear they do the best road-maps.
Aderyn: <sniffle> Hurry.

A sorrowful event undermined any comedic outlets at the Village, as it
was revealed that Tena Mulder had taken her own life. While Teena was
an often unsympathetic character, her departure left us a bereft Mulder
and a distressed Scully. So, we bid farewell to another lamentably
undervalued, minor XF character - Teeena, aka CSM's squeeze, aka
mistress of the Quonochontaug manoeuvre, that begat our blessed
Saint's annoying but necessary partner.

Skull: Well, probably. Mulder's parentage has always been a little shady.
Aderyn: Do you hear what you're saying? Maternity is always a pretty
certain thing. It's extremely hard to miss.
Skull: I have a theory that Mulder's real mother was in fact Diana Fowley.
Aderyn: Can we not go there? Oedipus is all well and good, but THAT is
just too disturbing, even for Freud.
Skull: Nothing is too disturbing for Freud.

It has been argued by some pseudointellectuals that Scully is nothing
more than a Samantha substitute in the MAN PAIN stuffed existence of
the punk. Luckily for us Scullyists we have an actress who knows
otherwise. GA seems determined to substitute for each and every axed
character even if it involves looking bad. SUZ featured a touching display
of selflessness as she flattened her hair to new levels thus emulating
Teeeeena's tresses. The female presence in XF is ever diminishing,
leaving us with a multi-tasking role model to fill the considerable shoes of
Ma Mulder, Melissa, Emily, Samantha, Queequeg (RIP), Fowley, Pendrell,

Skull: Pendrell was a man.
Aderyn: He was?
Skull: I think you'd better strike Fowley from the list too, else you'll get
kicked out of the Abbey. And why the bleep is Queequeg included? Have
you got any idea what you're talking about?
Aderyn: Erm... I was trying to say that ScUlliE is KewL. Was that not clear?
Skull: Oh deah gott, when the hell is that Lariat car going to arrive?

Skinner and Fatter eventually apprehended Sicko Claus and dragged him
back down 74 highways until they had found a prison that was willing to
cage such a monster. The Idaho State women's prison eventually
obliged, due in no small part to guards and inmates checking out Fatter's
butt with their little mirrors. Whatever takes your fancy I guess.

Skull: I thought they weren't allowed to have sharp objects in prisons.
Aderyn: Really? Hey, that would include our weapons wouldn't it?
Skull: Well, yeah.
Aderyn: So if, say, you hypothetically got thrown into prison, I would
hypothetically get all the weapons?
Skull: Hypothetically, yes. But please remember that given your current
situation, I could hypothetically leave you to die a tragic death amongst
your hypothetical wine bottles.
Aderyn: Ah. Uh, did I mention that I voted for you in the poll? In several
categories? And that I think you're kewl?

While Fatter locked up Sicko Creep and debriefed prison staff as to the
situation, his other half hightailed it over to casa Mulder to check out
Scully's cleavage. An unspoken contest commenced as Skinner
appeared at the doorstep, flexing his pectorals while Mulder retaliated by
scrunching up his face and firing up previously dormant facial muscles.
GA, who don't need no stinking lines, once again proved her worth by
scoring the competition without resorting to verbalising. Her method of
keeping tabs on this testosterone-fuelled tournament was ingenious, as
she opened and closed the buttons on her blouse in response to the
preening going on around her. It's open to question which contestant
impressed Scully the most, but it is certain that there was no clear
winner, as no one got any.

"Sein Und Zeit", was a veritable sleigh-ride of fraught emotions. An
epiSode in which mUlder personaliZed a case to such an extent that he
started to wildly SpecUlate and theoriZe about the fate of his sister.

Skull: Imagine that.

Scully, sadly didn't have a pivotal role during this weeks 45 minutes. But
this is fine because it gave her time to slather on the make-up to cover all
those pesky freckles, and to wash her hair with some no-extra-body-for-
fine-hair-whatsoever shampoo.

SUZ, which translates into anything from "CC's got a really unhealthy
pre-occupation with dead kids", to "wrap this Samantha thing up already"
to "somebody fire the entire hair and makeup crew" to "get me out of this
freakin' wine cellar"...

Skull: Hey! Did you take German in college?
Aderyn: No!
Skull: What a coincidence, I'm clueless as well !!!!!!!

... opened up the wounds that have long scarred the psyche of that
tortured hero, scrunchy-faced punk-ass. It remains to be seen whether
we will get the closure necessary in next weeks episode, but it's sure to
be a feast of face-olympics. As is the way with two-parters, "Sein Und
Zeit" ended on a suspenseful cliff-hanger as...

Skull: OMG! Aaarrrrrrggghhhhh
Aderyn: What is it? Skull, talk to me.
Skull: .....
Aderyn: SKULL!! Don't leave me down here <sob> that would be so
*harsh*.
Skull: ... Aarrghhhhhh
Aderyn: Is it Lariat? What have they done to you? <quiver> This whole
situation is outside the *realm* of my experience.
Skull: Ad? ... chhhushc... hhhuuujjjju...
Aderyn: You're breaking up. I can't hear you. SKULL???



To be continued...dot, dot, dot.