Severed Review: "Surekill"
By Aderyn

In seasons past it was possible to watch the X-Files with the certainty
that there would be a beautifully crafted tale of creepy paranoia televised.
Well, okay, there would be a tale at the very least, and it was usually
creepy. Okay, okay, each week there would be a tale that had little to do
with craft, and we were lucky if it was creepy but usually Scully's
hair looked good, and so all was right with the world. In the past we could
watch with the certainty that each of these tales would be served by two
lusciously dysfunctional characters who sparkled, and UST'd their way
into the hearts of Philes, non-viewers, the odd psychopath, and control
groups everywhere.

The past is no more, and the woeful "Surekill" is the present and potential
future - and it sure KILLED, sure DECIMATED, sure ABOLISHED
everything we've ever known and loved about the X-Files. A bloody,
diseased carcass now lies dormant at our feet. The spectral corpse of
what we once loved and cherished now rots like CRAPTACULAR a putrid
stinky relaxers bastard thing.

Skull: Um, Ad?
Aderyn: Woe betide me, friend, for my (cyber)life has no meaning. My
whole (cyber)existence has been a LIE!! <sniffle> I'm planning on
self-medicating by thwacking The Club against my own cranium.
Concussion is my only escape from this nightmare. SUREKILL HAS
RUINED MY LIFE!!!!
Skull: Um, Ad?
Aderyn: It's RUINED my life, I tell you. I've reached my limit, I've had
ENOUGH of the crapitude. I'm NEVER watching XF ever again <pout>.
Skull: I was just going to remind you that...
Aderyn: All hail the DULL SIDE, for unto it shall we all fall, as effortlessly
as a butt-genie slithering up a rectum on the tail end of a proctoscopy.
Ooh, which reminds me, MULDER, I miss you *so much*. <wail>

[Aderyn thwacks The Club against her own cranium]

Aderyn: Jebus, that *hurts*. OMG, I had *no idea* how much...
Skull: WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP. Even when you're self-
concussing you're annoyingly and stoopidly verbose <glare>. I was
*trying* to sweetly remind you that you haven't actually seen this episode,
therefore you have very little excuse, or reason for whining and wailing
like a CathyB Rant Seminar reject.
Aderyn: ...Oh yeah!!! DAMN!!! <hoppity skip>

"Surekill" was a fine episode of the X-Files. Sure there was no discernible
characterisation, plot, or point to the whole enterprise, but these are trivial
matters that are of no concern to the casual viewer and/or obsessive,
nitpicking fanatic. While CC must have been embarrassed that his
mishap with the cookie cutter leaked out to the Phile community (note to
Surfer Boy: in future STAY AWAY from the scripts when you're messing
with kitchen utensils. I know it seems like a total riot to cut great big
chunks out of Spotsy's "work", but you forget that all those great big balls
of missing text does not make for happy episodic television. GOT IT?), it
was however all redeemed by the fact that Scully's hair looked FABulous.
So fabulous a single errant strand could doubtless win one of those
coveted prizes. Oh, what the hell, what review is complete without it -
ALL THE PRIZES.

Skull: It seems to me that the future of The X-Files is secure. They can
effortlessly seal the ratings war in season nine and beyond, just by
showing stills of Scully's hair. I, for one, would be glued to my screen
each Sunday night, just waiting to see if the floof-angst of season seven
returned.
Aderyn: Oh totally. Who needs GA and DD, anyway?
Skull: Yeah, their residual corporeal matter is, like, just as good, plus
there's always the bonus that Scully's hair is unlikely to have the
wherewithal to negotiate a cunning trillion-dollar contract for freakin' one
day's work.
Aderyn: Ooh, I've got such a kewl idea to pitch to CC! Maybe GA's
tresses could try to get it on with some of DD's discarded toenail clippings
or something. Can you imagine the sexual tension? Yowzer, I'm feeling
woozy just thinking about it.
Skull: Oh, can you imagine the ANGST if, say, the toenail clippings
accidentally get thrown into the Mulder's fish tank, as they are sadly
mistaken for fishfood? Scully's Titian locks would be so heartbroken, and
the quest to find the last remaining morsels of DD's nails would be the
lifeblood of the show. <contented sigh>
Aderyn: Oy, we are *so* going to get hired by 1013 when they get wind of
our brilliance <fart>.

Suitably, some might say, this week's episode found its focus in the
wonderous world of vermin extermination. We were introduced to the
protagonists in customary form, with visions of Randall and Dwight in
their formative years. These flashback scenes were really quite touching
as the camera honed in on Mama Exterminator's womb, and the young
embryos as they budded into woefully underdeveloped characters, and
therefore fine XF fodder. While some viewers might have found it
sickening to view the sibling rivalry that took place - as foetal!Randall
swiped foetal!Dwight's vision, and foetal!Dwight retaliated by pilfering
foetal!Randall's yellow teeth and loquacious tongue - this was arguably
counteracted by the comedy of the two young rascals trying to strangle
each other with an umbilical cord as they fought over the affections of a
young hottie of a mouse called Tammi.

Skull: That's one busy womb.
Aderyn: Poor Mama Exterminator. She would expect her babies to kick,
but I'm sure she didn't factor in the possibility of a foetal brawl
of that magnitude. I mean, um, ouch?
Skull: And let's not even get into the birthing process...well on second
thought, let's. Those two would have a battle royal over who would be the
first to try out the waterslide.
Aderyn: Mmmm, and they'd probably compromise and go down
together...
Skull: ...or else continually attempt to overtake each other on the way
down.
Aderyn: Ow.
Skull: Hee.

Sadly for us viewers, the brothers didn't mature into very interesting adult
characters, as their pre-partum buffoonery advanced into dullard rat-killin'
antics. WhatEVah. The cunning ploy of 1013's to make dear Randall a
subtle conglomeration of villians past was, painfully, less than successful.
There's just something about a liver-eating death fetishest abductee that
doesn't ring true. However, there was some respite from the yawntastic
fare, as Randall's superduper X-ray vision enabled viewers to get some
interesting shots of what lay hidden behind each and every surface that
came into his field of vision. In the olden days this would have surely
resulted in some sinister conspiracy being revealed, or possibly a
gratuitous shot of Scully's bra. But in these days of the All New X-Files,
the only thing that mattered (and therefore the only thing visualised by
Randall) were Doggett's pants, and what lay manfully beneath them.

Skull: Hey, I've just had a thought. You know those explicit nude
centerfold shots of RP you're trying to sneak into the next edition of News
for the OBSSEsed?
Aderyn: Yeah.
Skull: Well he's going to need something a lot bigger than a teacup to
cover up his tackle. Didja think about that?
Aderyn: Never fear, for I have acquired a large industrial sized picnic
basket for that purpose....don't even say it.
Skull: What? <blink>
Aderyn: What you were about to say.
Skull: Aw. Why?
Aderyn: It's icky.
Skull: What if I say it really quickly?
Aderyn: Oh, all right.
Skull: Mmmlunch.
Aderyn: <sigh>

Each new episode of season eight brings us a little closer to
understanding the character of Special Agent Terminator Testicles.
During "Surekill" we watched many poignantly scrotacular scenes, as
long-repressed memories came flooding back to his conscious mind
whenever he was in the presence of the Tedious Twins. It was
impossible not to reach a certain conclusion as RP wept "I HATE twins",
a little *too* obviously -- Doggett surely has an identical brother (and one
apparently named "Ballsy" at that). It is written in the anals, I mean
annals of XF lore that each major character in the show must have plenty
of ripe kin that can be later slain for dramatic purposes. Doggett,
methinks you've just sealed your future with the show. Congratulations?

Skull: Can you imagine what Doggett and Ballsy must have been like in
utero?! Step aside, Tedious Twins, there are new badass babies in town. <woof>
Aderyn: Another section of manufactured dialogue, another battlefield of
a womb. Are we short of material this week or something? Anyway, yeah,
it's so obvious that Doggett must have scrounged all the testicular genes
from the unfortunately named Ballsy. How else could one man be so
*manly*?
Skull: And Ballsy must have avenged for this theft by getting all the
woofalicious stuff, like prawper elocution, a discernible personality,
intelligence, and an ability to remember his partner's first name.

GA portrayed a woman-who's-all-knocked-up-but-has-apparently-
forgotten-oopsie, with the masterful grace of one who has downed too
many Percoset&Viocodin 'ritas. Scullyists everywhere surely rejoiced as
the camera bypassed GA's flat stomach. Feelings of exultation must have
occurred as no mention was made of her pregnancy, as she didn't give
her tummy a protective rub, as she didn't call dear Ma to chat about girly
stuff, as Mulder didn't return from his interstellar vacation to up the
schmoop quotient, and as we learnt that Doggett still has big balls.
Wonderful, emotive stuff that was enhanced by the addition of some very
moving Scully diary entries that GA verbalised in some of those bitchin'
voiceovers that XF does so well.

Skull: Dear diary, today I did absolutely nothing about finding Mulder.
Teehee.
Aderyn: Dear diary, I've emigrated to Canada, and left a cardboard
cutout on the set of that show I used to work on. Do you think they'll
notice? <prance>
Skull: Dear Diary, faux pregnancy rooooolz. I can skip around the set
wearing my kinky boots, there's no morning sickness, and there's not
even any padding to wear because Chris is such a moron that he
believed me when I told him that *this* is what a pregnant woman who's
recently lost her beloved looks like!

These angsty Scullycentric scenes pervaded each and every moment of
screen time, which left some viewers feeling quite numb. Luckily,
especially for those of us that care about Carc-y matters, there was a
nice visual counteraction in her multicoloured attire, and thus a way out of
the stupor. It wasn't easy on the eye, or low scoring on the subtlety
swingometer, but it meant that we had pretty (if garish) clothes to swoon
over, as we watched an inert Scully inadvertently exterminate rodents by
the mere presence of her florid wardrobe.

Skull: I had a theory that her kaleidoscopic clothing was intended to
deflect Randall from using his X-ray vision to spy on her undergarments.
Aderyn: Or to catch a glimpse on what the hell's going on in that womb
of hers.
Skull: Maybe he would have deduced that the Sculder baby is in fact a
butt genie that entered the wrong orifice, liked what it saw, and decided
to stick around for awhile.
Aderyn: Skull! I didn't label this post as having SPOILERS. The virgins
are going to kill me!

A few fans have bemoaned the lack of chemistry between GA and RP,
and while "Surekill" had its faults it made a valiant attempt to rectify this
situation. A helpful formula for the lack of sparkage flashed across the
screen every moment one of the duo appeared underwhelmed and/or
catatonic while in the other's presence. Unfortunately this meant that
much of the episode was disturbed by egghead goodies, as science
returned to the show in rather heavy-handed fashion. For those that care:
Source====>body----->otherside, at around 200 uSv/hour - micro
sieverts/hour um, about 20 rem/h.

Skull: Oh right! Wow, that explains everything.
Aderyn: <mumbling> Damnation, she's a science geek as well?!
She's just determined to make me look like the stoopid one. Well, I shall
be foiled no more! A boffin I shall be. Zaboom </mumbling> ...Yeah,
it explains everything alright. The *source* are <cough> Doggett's
testicles that swing manfully from his *body*, but are problematic when
he needs to get to the *otherside* of the set to be in the same scene as
Scully, because of the magnitude of his balls he finds walking difficult and
all that. The considerable resulting distance that occurs (at 200 uSv/hour)
means that um, there's not much of ANYTHING resembling interaction,
let alone a relationship between our leads. But our equation ends happily
because audiences are able to catch up with, on average, 20 minutes of
REM while the show airs.
Skull: As imbecilic as you've just made yourself sound, that actually
makes a twisted kind of sense.
Aderyn: Thanks. <preen>

"Surekill" was quite the sleeper hit of XF, and is sure to be remembered
for many years as "the one where the best part was when that guy eat
meatloaf with ketchup and mayonnaise", which we viewers where
tantalisingly left to SRE on our lonesome. As well as this delicious plot
point, many stinky rats were exterminated, and a thrilling X-File this
premise did make. While it's a pity that not every piece of vermin from
the show at large was similarly dispatched, there's always hope for some
kind of Salvage in next week's episode.

Skull: Bwaahhhhaaaa. That's a good one. <wipes tear from eye>

Stay tuned to your inboxes for all the latest nonsensical rambling, as
Skull will shortly be launching another "review" from her nether regions. It
could be a bumpy ride, but hopefully she'll mention that Scully's hair will
be looking good, and that an errant strand of her Titian locks will billow
seductively against the fish tank where Mulder's toenail clippings will be
gently floating in the mire. The glass barrier of the tank shall not hide the
true feelings of the duo, who will gaze longingly into...

[Skull thwacks Aderyn with every weapon in the SVYRDMUL arsenal
before this review gets even more painful]

Skull: - end