Severed Review: "Signs and Wonders"
By Skullhead
As a dedicated reviewer, I am still investigating the possible presence of
a story in this latest episode of "The X-Files". We all knew prior to this
week that Chris Carter had lost the plot, but I personally was not aware
that it pertained to a specific episode. However, all that has been made
clear to me so far is that there were lots of snakes. Lots and lots of
snakes.
Aderyn:
That was a lazy, lazy opener.
Skull:
Well, what's a gal to do? It was a lazy episode.
Aderyn:
Heh. Hey, have I mentioned that Season Six is showing in the
UK now? I just saw the waterbed and handcuffs episode.
Skull:
Yeah. Have I mentioned that I saw "The Sixth Extinction" and
"Amor Fati" this week?
Aderyn:
Yes. *Several* times, as I recall...want a beer?
Skull:
<sniff> No, thank you. I'm working.
Aderyn:
Whatever.
[Aderyn chugs down a bottle of beer and opens another]
"Signs and Wonders" was a regular showcase of pythonic talents. This
week's X-File dealt with these elongated reptiles' remarkable ability to
control the weather - apparently a large contingent of snakes has the
power to create a blizzard on the other side of the country, stranding a
large number of people within their homes and rendering them unable to
attend work.
Aderyn:
I like snakes a lot more now. We can have snake days instead of
snow days.
Skull:
You wimps.
Aderyn:
<giggle>
Skull:
What?
Aderyn:
<giggle> Nuffin'. Nuffin' at all.
[Aderyn downs another beer]
Some viewers may have found this premise to be quite a farfetched one.
After all, how could snakes possibly control the weather? Everyone
knows that's up to God and weathermen who are in love with
cosmetically challenged women. But those who tuned into the television
special following the show, "Snake Week", would have had all their
questions answered.
It is a well-known fact that some animals have the ability to predict the
weather, earthquakes in particular. Snakes take it one step further. The
best way to predict the weather is to create it.
Aderyn:
Hey, isn't that...
Skull:
Shaddup and drink your beer.
Aderyn:
<happy smile> 'Kay.
Combining this with the fact that snakes are charmed by music and do a
little dance at the sound of a flute, it requires but a simple Mulderesque
leap of logic to conclude that snakes can do rain dances. So why not
blizzard dances? As we all know, music has charms to soothe the
savage beast.
Aderyn:
Hey...<hic> wait a minute. That'sh *wrong*, you stoopid kid. The
correct phrase is "Mushic has charms to soothe the savage *breast*.
Skull:
Really? A little lotion works for me. And uh, don't you think you've
had enough beer?
Aderyn:
Yep. <hic> You're right.
Skull:
<relieved sigh> Good.
Aderyn:
Passh me the wine, wouldja?
Among the few vertebrates in this week's episode were a good guy who
seemed like a bad guy, a bad guy who appeared to be a good guy, and a
girl who, during the course of the episode, got pregnant by the good guy,
the bad guy, and another guy who may or may not have been good or,
conversely, bad.
Aderyn:
And the bad guy was <hic> called En...Eno...Enoch.
Skull:
Which is an improvement over being called Gracie.
Aderyn:
Or Blessinck...I mean, blEsSing...damn, the computer keys are
running off.
Skull:
You're going to be sprinting away from me soon if you don't snap
out of this stupor.
Aderyn:
Hmmm, that'sh not a bad <hic> idea.
A controversial aspect of the episode involved a disappointingly
stereotypical portrayal of Southern citizens. Chris Carter and his boys
need to learn that not *all* Southerners play with their family's snakes,
just as not *all* Australians drink beer and watch the footy on the
weekends.
Aderyn:
Skull:
Well, I'm sure there's a better example, but you're missing the
point.
Aderyn:
Skull:
Deah gott. Come on dear, let's get you some coffee.
Aderyn:
No, nope, not havin' no coffee! I wan' some vodka! I'm try'na get
meself good an' drunk here! <giggle> Hash you shrunk? You're lookin'
shorter'n normal.
An extremely disturbing part of the episode came when the girl gave birth
to not a baby, not a demon, not a sea monster, but a *snake*...
Skull:
Ad? Hey!
[Skull shakes Aderyn]
Skull:
Wake up! You have to make the humorous little comments! You're
ruining the entire structure here!
Aderyn:
<sigh> Nope, I wanna...shleep...mmmm. <snore>
Skull:
No! Wake UP!
Aderyn:
Hmmm...no, shee I wannned to...get drunk...an' I did...an' now I
wanna...shleeeeeeep...
Skull:
No, you can't! Why did you want to get drunk anyway? I mean,
besides the obvious?
Aderyn:
Well I...heard that...the epishode wasalotbetter...if yousaw
it...drunk. Sho I fig...figu...thinked that the shame thing would
ap...appl...happen witha...reviewewewew.
Skull:
Oh. Did it work?
Aderyn:
<giggle> Nope, you...shtill...shuck. Hmmmm. <snore>
Skull:
No! I can't do this by myself! It just won't work!
[Skull ponders, then smiles apologetically at the audience and runs from
the room. She returns shortly, dragging a yawning Fialka behind her.]
Fi:
Skull, it's 4:30 in the bleeping morning and there's no chat on
Wednesday.
Skull:
Look, this won't take long. All I need you to do is make witty little
observations like Aderyn usually does. You know, just insult me a lot and
act confused. Look, here, I made you a pot of coffee.
Fi:
Skull:
Good. Let's take it from the paragraph before Aderyn passes out.
An extremely disturbing part of the episode came when the girl gave birth
to not a baby, not a demon, not a sea monster, but a *snake* that grew
rapidly from two inches long, to four, to six, to eight, until the room
temperature had risen by several degrees and the girl was beginning to
look rather frightened.
[Skull pokes Fialka]
Fi:
Oh! Uh...well, I guess the shape is more conducive to birthing comfort
than a baby. Unless it bites you on the way out.
Skull:
Um...okay. Not bad. But, um...it was kinda icky.
Fi:
Oh. Sorry.
Skull:
That's okay. You'll get better.
Fi:
Not unless the coffee does.
The whole issue of Scully's previously revealed fear of writhing, slithering,
venomous serpents was relatively unexplored throughout the ep. It was
left to the ever-resourceful GA to cover for a lack of verbal coherency.
Gillian always gives good face, and during this ep she twitched and
tweaked her way through the ep so that the audience would get a little
continuity with "One Breath". This ep was particularly special because it
also featured a new innovation, as GA suddenly thought it necessary to
brandish a prop (in this case a staple remover), which she flashed at the
camera at every opportune moment. The steely jaws of the staple
remover were a stunning juxtaposition with the fanged beasts that
prowled the ep - and forever loaded this previously harmless piece of
office equipment with frightening connotations. However, by far the most
terrifying part of the episode was seeing Mulder without a tie.
Fi:
Well, I guess they figured there were enough phallic symbols
slithering around already.
Skull:
Good! Very good.
Fi:
After being criticised by his adoring public for being too serious and
sedate, Mr Dee-Dee apparently decided to let it all hang out in this
episode. For the most part this was a welcome novelty, since X-Files
episodes have really been too weighty of late. However, problems arose
when David found it difficult to distinguish his real life from his pretend
life. Seeing him without a tie, although disturbing, was one thing.
Witnessing a golf match between himself and Garry Shandling was quite
another.
Fi:
I would personally like to see him get a hole in one. Or get one in the hole.
Skull:
Nah, we've got the snakes for that.
Fi:
Whoa, and you think *my* comments are icky?
Skull:
Call it creator's license.
Aderyn: ...heY...!
Skull:
...Come to think of it, it *was* a bit tasteless, wasn't it?
Fi:
Yes!
Skull:
Minor Shannon gave me the idea.
Fi:
Ah. That explains it.
The highlight of the episode was the fiendishly clever ending. CC & Co.
decided to emulate "Clue" and supply us with multiple finales, leaving it
up to us to choose our favourite. I personally preferred the one where the
entire cast was blown up by an atomic bomb, but they all had their good
points. The one with the dancing baby aliens was pretty cool too.
Fi:
I liked the one where Scully took a long, hot shower.
Skull:
I missed that one.
Fi:
Skull:
Snap out of it, woman!
Fi:
Oh. Sorry. Heh. That was a *good* one.
Skull:
Good lord. You're as bad as Aderyn.
Aderyn:
...hEy...!
Scully and Mulder made it back to DC from Blessing, Southernstereotypeville,
USA, minus puncture wounds and plus a large accumulation of cheese.
Whether they continue to pursue their new hobby of snake-handling
in the commercial breaks is up to the actors to decide, but I personally
would hope for some continuity in that area.
Don't tune in next week, when there will be no review because there's a
goddamn repeat being shown. Will Aderyn still have a functional liver in
two weeks' time? Will she be able to scribe a coherent analysis of the
Return of the Mytharc? If not, we have a new understudy who shows
great promise.
Fi:
Aw, shucks.
Aderyn:
...hEY...!
-end