Severed Review: "Rush"
By Skullhead
After last week's universally approved "Millennium", "Rush" had to be
something better than average in order to satisfy the masses. Apparently
the plot was weak and implausible (even more so than usual), but the
public had ceased to care about such trivialities. "Rush" involved
cleavage, fondling, pouts, banter and implied NC-17 interaction. Now
*that* a good episode makes.
Aderyn: We might as well deal with this immediately. I will NOT
allow you to discuss the clearly fabricated theory of the Commercial
Whoopee. It's hearsay, not to mention a load of crap.
Skull: Who said anything about that?
Aderyn: You did!
Skull: Oh, are you referring to my use of the phrase "NC-17
interaction"? It was not in any way intended to address the issue of
sexual intercourse. I was in fact alluding to the abnormal level of violence
present in this week's episode. Why, Aderyn, it does appear that *you*
are the one with an unhealthy preoccupation with the sex theory. I am
most unpleasantly enlightened. Tut tut.
Aderyn: Why you...you...you're a liar!
Skull: Perhaps. On the other hand, maybe the fact that I was
recently concussed with a large heavy object is adversely affecting my
mental processes. Now that *is* unfortunate.
Mulder and Scully's case of the week was one that has plagued teenagers
for generations: the mystery of the backtracking second hand. Time, as
we all know, is a universal invariant except when one is contained within
an exempt field of a different velocity, otherwise known as the
schoolroom. Our favourite agents solved this case without too much
trouble; after all, it was pretty obvious. The solution? Every teenager in
the world is on really, really good crack, and all the adults are fossils.
Especially teachers.
Aderyn: Hey!
Skull: Oh, I'm sorry. I assure you, it was merely a momentary
relapse of concussion that caused me to forget your occupation. I would
never *intentionally* disparage you in front of 400 list members.
Aderyn: I'm sure. And I would never *intentionally* cause
irreparable brain damage by smashing The Club against a cranium.
The aforementioned really good crack was revealed to have quite drastic
effects on three particular teenagers. They were quite a Star Wars-esque
trio: a bad boy, his 'tough chick' girlfriend with a heart of gold, and the
other guy with bad hair whose shoulder-residing angel and devil have the
mother of all catfights, finally compromising by making him extremely
conducive to yawning.
Aderyn: Must you bring Star Wars into every conversation?
Skull: If you'll pardon me for saying so, this review was mine
upon my last perusal - ergo, I can talk about whatever the hell I want.
Aderyn: Oh good, you're back to normal. For awhile there I was
afraid your thesaurus would run out.
Skull: I am very good at being aloof. Please do not knock it. It
makes you appear rather petty.
Aderyn: Me...? You're the one who's still all bitter and stuff. I
didn't even hit you that hard.
Skull: Maybe multiple skull fractures aren't considered serious in
Wales, but where I come from they're at least worth a grudge.
Aderyn: All right, fine. But can we please temporarily put aside
our personal differences for the purpose of supplying a decent review? I
promise we can bitch later.
Skull: Well...all right. Does that mean I can talk about the sex?
Aderyn: Yes, on the condition that I am permitted to effortlessly
negate any theory you might have to offer.
Skull: Oh good. Just like the old days.
The rather unusual side effects of the crack involved the acquiring of
Superman-like qualities, such as the ability to be faster than a speeding
bullet - not altogether a positive attribute in some situations.
Aderyn: If you will permit me to express myself, I am confused by
the whole bullet thing. Wasn't it in slow motion?
Skull: You know, I think you're right. And "faster than a bullet
travelling in slow motion" really doesn't sound as impressive.
Aderyn: Well, it must have been the crack. It probably slowed
down the rest of the world.
Skull: Powerful stuff.
Aderyn: It's a conspiracy. Haven't you ever heard of crack
squads?
Skull: Huh?
Aderyn: Never mind.
A second mystery soon became the focus of Mulder and Scully's
attention: the identity of an esoteric fourth member of the group,
cryptically referred to as Betty. Scully became convinced that it a)
referred to Betty Rubble and b) was some sort of code, whereupon she
tried to signal to the trio that she was hip to their groove by transforming
herself into a vampy tramp and demonstrating her appreciation for the
aforesaid Betty's bustline. This did not work, but bad boy Max's jaw
became permanently attached to his feet. This proved to be a nice
bonus, since the drooling marred his rebellious image quite seriously.
That'll teach him to smoke cigarettes.
Aderyn: Did they ever find out who Betty was?
Skull: Does one ever *really* know who another person is? Take
that Charles Scully thing for example. Nobody knows his true identity
except me.
Aderyn:
Skull: Nope. It's...me.
Aderyn: Skull, dear, he posted from an AOL account.
Skull: So?
Aderyn: So you live in Australia.
Skull: Oh. Damn.
Aderyn: Anyway, I actually have a theory about the true identity
of Betty.
Skull: Oh! Did you find out if she was an AOLer or not?
Aderyn: You're on the right track Skull, because there was one
list member who bemoaned the Betty debate without peer this week.
Skull: Whoa! You don't mean...
Aderyn: Yes, that same person who tried to divert attention away
from herself by grumbling about receiving all those Betty messages.
Skull: Say it. SAY IT.
Aderyn: Betty = Autumn.
Skull: Kewl.
The Mulder/Scully interaction in this episode was very pleasing, and the
on-screen stuff wasn't bad either. In celebration of their new relationship
they spent part of the episode having elective surgery, emerging
permanently attached at the hip. As a reviewer, I considered it a lovely
example of symbolism.
Aderyn: Whose hip were they joined at?
Skull: Eh?
Aderyn: Well, the last time I checked, Mulder and Scully's hips
weren't exactly at the same level. So was Mulder's hip attached to
Scully's shoulder, or Scully's hip attached to Mulder's knee?
Skull: Are you making fun of me?
Aderyn: Nope. Just being logical. Odd how making fun of you
and being logical are so often the same thing.
Another touching moment occurred when Scully tugged on Mulder's tie,
which was perhaps a discreet nod to Freud.
Aderyn: Everything's a discreet nod to Freud. The man's brain
was located in his proboscis. And besides, I really don't buy this tugging-
on-the-tie thing. Even if it's true, I'm sure that Scully was attempting to
strangle him or something.
Skull: You would prefer murder to sex?
Aderyn: There was no sex involved at any time. I clearly recall
several list members commenting on the fact that Mulder was
considering the idea of chastity.
Skull: *Checking out Chastity*. As in ogling her. The character.
Chastity.
Aderyn: Chastity Bono?
Skull: I guess. Special guest star, and all that. Continuity with
Post-Modern Prometheus, doncherknow.
Aderyn: Wow. Impressive.
Skull: Yeah, but it turned out that Chastity was made of
cardboard.
Aderyn: Oh, like Cher's voice!
One of the main reasons this episode was so successful was the
sympathy that director David Amman was able to generate for the three
teenagers. Yes, Max wore a leather jacket and gasp! smoked. Yes, Tony
had bad hair. And yes, Chastity was called Chastity. But all these vices
suddenly became forgivable when it was revealed that these poor
adolescents had to sit their midterms all twelve months of the year. No
wonder they were in a hurry to get through life.
All in all, "Rush" was a better episode than could be expected from the
man who brought us "Agua Mala". It contained a heartbreaking tale of
good crack gone bad, as the three unfortunate teenagers were tragically
sucked into the Oregon vortex at the conclusion of the episode. All
performances were excellent, except perhaps for that of the elusive Betty
who proved to be just a *crock*.
Aderyn: That is a really, *really* bad pun.
Skull: Oh, gimme a break. Aren't I allowed to make the
occasional *crack*?
Aderyn: And that one was quite possibly even worse.
Skull: Sorry. I guess I'm just a blank *page*.
Aderyn: Skull! Enough with the puns! You're killing me here.
Skull: Okay, I'll be *boop*ing along now.
Aderyn: Skull!
Skull: Ah, revenge is sweet.
Next week's episode is the long-delayed "The Goldberg Variation", so stay
tuned...
Aderyn: Aaargh!
Skull: What?...oh. That one was unintentional, actually.
Aderyn: Is this review over yet?
Skull: Almost.
Aderyn: Good. So now we can go back to the bitching?
Skull: And speculating about commercial break bonking?
Aderyn: And deciphering the identities of those that have been
Bettying?
Skull: Yee haw. Quick, shaddup for a minute and let me finish
this.
Stay tuned for more mindless ramblings next week, when Aderyn will be
lending her <cough> wisdom and perception to the episode whose trailer
promises a symphony of an episode. Will Mulder and Scully continue to
get lucky during commercials? Will our heroine even *wear* a shirt this
time? And will Aderyn have any clue what the episode was actually
about? There's only one way to find out.
-end