Severed Review: "Roadrunners"
By Aderyn

The X-Files as we once knew it has changed. With the departure of The
Man, a great chunk of what we once savoured as *our* X-Files has
abandoned us. Like sickly orphans it seems that Philes are collectively
weeping over the passing of The Relationship, the weedwacker hair-do,
the nice ass, and the strangely alluring, yet asinine punkliness that
burrowed its way to the very core of our viewing enjoyment. Now it's
gone. It's all GONE TO HELL.

Skull: So you enjoyed Roadrunners then?
Aderyn: Oh, absolutely.

Now that we're four steps closer to knowing what this "All New X-Files" is
about, it seems pertinent to contemplate what we have learnt thus far.
This can be summarised as follows: Scully roolz. This premise may not
be that dissimilar to what we knew in yonder years, however upon further
reflection it garners greater significance. Scully roolz even more than
before because the Yin to her Yang is cruising in Outer Space, and yet
she's still functioning as a kickass FBI agent. "Roadrunners" affirmed this
again and again, but never more than in the opening sequence when
stunned viewers witnessed Scully, cleavage bulging, gun toting, cigarette
toking, and dimples twitching maniacally as her spike heels pumped at
the pedals of the bus she was racing through the desert. She looked
nothing less than the epitome of a fully functioning FBI agent.

Skull: Fully functioning indeed. I mean, we certainly know that her uterus
is working just fine since she screamed "I'M GOING TO HAVE A
WIDDLE BABY!!!" at every freaking person she met.
Aderyn: Yeah, and we know her hormones are in full working order coz of
those moodswings. She should really be more careful about screaming
"CUT THE FREAKING BABY OUT OF ME NOOOOOOOW!!!" though,
since some poor schmuck might take her seriously and eject the Sculder
baby with a pocket knife.
Skull: Yeah. <sigh> It's nice to see that the pregnancy isn't making her
weak and dependent, though.
Aderyn: Oh, yeah. She's totally the Scully we know and love, only with a
completely different personality. <happy nod>

With each new episode there seems to be a new reason to celebrate
Scully's presence on our screens. This week we learnt that there are no
bounds to which she will go to find a dear, dear "friend", as she went on
an ultimately futile search of her beloved in Nowheresville, USA. Who
wasn't moved to a blubbing mess at the sight of a distraught Scully,
hunting high and low in the hopes of a reunion? Who wasn't bawling
their eyes out as they witnessed Scully lift rocks, and part sand as she
wailed "Sweet Ouroboros, where are you?" Who didn't feel like clawing
their eyes out after witnessing Scully beg local miscreant Phallic Q.
Symbolowski to investigate the small of her back to see if little Ouro had
returned? And who wasn't hiding behind their sofas as Scully
absentmindedly cried great big honking tears of sorrow into her empty
gas tank, thus enforcing a prolonged stay in the inhospitable location?
Scully angst, I love thee.

Like many a recent X-phillic outing, "Roadrunners" was primarily located
in the desert. Again and again these arid landscapes provide the
backdrop for Scully's Adventures in Carterland. Curiouser and curiouser
is that fact that Scully's clothing choices also seem follow a (devious?)
pattern. Could it be that The Creator is trying to communicate a message
to us mortals, and indeed to Saint Scully herself?

Skull: Thou shalt ensure that when thou art prancing in the desert thouest
tootsies shallest be enclosed in a pair of totally inappropriate spike heels
coz it totally turns me on.
Aderyn: Thou shalt nevah evah button one's blouse, coz the slutty look is
very popular with the 16-24 male demographic who statistically buy all
that crapzoid XF merchandise, that maketh me a very rich man. Thouest
understandus?
Skull: Thou shalt droolingly remember that Hot Weather + Desert
Location = Slutty!Scully in minimal clothing. Surf's up, dude!

It seems that the recurring desert motif is a metaphor, cunningly used by
1013 to acknowledge a few subliminal facts about The X-Files. The
probable meaning: that the XF crew has run short of ideas, and are
aimlessly roaming in a veritable cesspit of an arid, barren, STAGNANT
RUT. When viewed through Aderyn-Vision this locale takes on an even
greater significance, with each anonymous grain of sand symbolising the
shattered mytharc. Each craggy rockface suggesting the fumbling
geriatric plotlines. Each phallic messianic desert slug emblematic of CC's
flaccid peni...

Skull: Ad, my sweet? <smile> You're doing *so well* with this review, and
I'm sure that everybody is so enjoying your lovingly crafted,
*cough*INANE*cough*, and oh-so-deep "analysis", but if you even think
about putting the image of The Creator's impotent proboscis into my
consciousness I'm going to have to kill you dead. No offense or anything.
Aderyn: Huh, as if I'd ever question surfer-boy's virility! <cough> I mean if
you think about it for a second, CC's peni...

[Skull thwacks Aderyn with The Club ™]

Skull: Oy, I enjoyed that! <preen> Now will you change the bleepin' subject?
Aderyn: Well, seeing as you've just asked so nicely. <glare>
"Roadrunners" featured a stunningly attractive supporting cast. In fact it
was quite a trip down memory lane as every wriggly cast member from
seasons 1 through 7 converged in Utah, for a weekend of fun with a
religious cult. The major players in the ep were the bastardised offspring
of the worms from "Ice", the hallucinogenic mushrooms from "Field Trip",
and Frohike. Their progeny bore some resemblance to a species
commonly known as slugs. Such was their visual impact that it was
almost possible to hear the drool spilling from Philes' gaping mouths.

Skull: Oh yeah, I'm thinking about starting a slug estrogen brigade. <snicker>
Aderyn: Or maybe a MENSAesque pseudo-religious order? Moiety of the
Exalted Noxious Slugs the Adipose? <giggle>
Skull: How long did it take you to look up all the elements of "fat ugly
mollusk" in the thesaurus?
Aderyn: I'm offended that you could even suggest such a thing. You're
such a contumelious xantippe.

While it was slightly implausible to watch the slugs inhabit the desert
(could they really survive in such a hostile environment?! I don't think
so!), it was a totally believable, and touching moment when they were
seen as the Messiah, and worshipped by a cult of lunatics who fed them
on a diet of green jell-o with bits of pineapple. Even more pedestrian was
the revelation that these Jesus!Slugs were fond of chowing down on a
little spinal cord, with a side order of brain matter, while simultaneously
performing erotic dance routines and secreting schmoop.

Skull: Meep meep <chomp> I lurve you guys! <slurp>
Aderyn: Meep meep <seductive twirl> You guys are the greatest!!
<Schmoop schmeep>, and this cerebellum is just divine! <burp>

There couldn't have been a dry eye in the house when Scully first
happened upon these slugs, as she unknowingly squished them under
the tires of the bus, and then pierced them with her spike heels. GA
tugged at the heartstrings in these scenes with every ounce of her worth,
as she unbuttoned a few more buttons on her shirt, and adjusted her
boobs, as if in mourning. ALL THE PRIZES. In fact, both the leads gave
noteworthy performances during this episode. Knowing, no doubt, that
philedom would get its knickers into the mother of all twists over the
absence of a certain scrunchy faced actor, GA did her very best to fill his
considerable shoes, and RP played at being Scully while she was
punkishly occupied.

While it could be argued that some sequences in "Roadrunners" were
confusing because of this constant role reversal, it is equally valid to say
that the shenanigans that penetrated our screens surpassed anything
we've seen in the X-Files back-catalogue. I don't think there could be a
phile alive who didn't have their character assumptions shattered upon
seeing Scully drop her gun, ditch Doggett, transform into one of the kewl
kids by caring not one whit about science, and become a fashion-victim
bus driver from hell. It was like DeeDee was right there.

Skull: <sniffle> I do miss him so.
Aderyn: <sob> I know. The show just isn't the same without his
underdeveloped facial muscles, his antipromotional insult tactics, his
sardonic monotone, his rapier wit, his superiority complex, his oh-so-
dignified temper tantrums, his large-enough-to-feed-a-Third-World-
community-for-a-year paycheques...
Skull: STOP! You're killing me. <wail>
Aderyn: Aw, poor Skullywully. Here, look at this teacup picture for a
minute. It should prove very therapeutic.

Doggett, the protagonist with testes so huge that staff from the Guinness
Book of World Records are surely heading his way with XL measuring
devises, usually exudes a brand of masculinity that is positively, erm,
what's that word again... oh yeah, MANLY. It was refreshing to see that
director Rod Hardy could tease a subtly feminine performance from
Robert Patrick who morphed into the "Scully" of yore so that the audience
wouldn't go into DS withdrawal. It was really very moving to see him don
a pair of scrubs, shoulder-shoot Jesus!Slugs, submit his PhD thesis "Dr
Sandy's theory of glycoprotein mutants of chinese hamster ovary cells - a
new interpretation", dye his hair with "Scullyclone Flowing Titian Tresses,
shyeah right!" by L'Oreal, and bring Scully to the point of death as he
performed impromptu butcher-like surgery on her - whipping out Holy
Remission Chips, internal organs and parasitic Messiahs with real gusto.

Skull: Dang, he found her secret hiding place. What else do you think he
found in there?
Aderyn: We haven't seen the Clunky White Phone for ages - it's probably
nestling in there amongst the writhing viscera.
Skull: Yeah, along with all her buttons.
Aderyn: And her red suits.
Skull: And her ova.
Aderyn: Oooh, that just opens up a whole new realm of possibilities about
how she got herself knocked up.
Skull: And you know, I think it's very symbolic that Mulder got to deal with
a cult that worshipped giant snakes, and poor Doggett drew the
proverbial short straw with those puny little slugs.
Aderyn: <sigh> His manliness doesn't measure up to Mulder's after all, I
guess.

Viewers are used to XF having unbelievable plotlines. Part of the show's
charm lies in its incongruous nature. However it was a relief that
"Roadrunners" towed a more conventional line, and gave us, for once, an
X-File that was completely plausible. This week's story about the
Jesus!Slugs that enraptured the cult members by promising the Second
Coming (multiple orgasms evidently being enough to entice these
smalltown folk to turn religious) was your regular run-of-the mill humdrum
stuff. Luckily Scully spiced up the plotline by chasing the messianic slugs
around Utah while wearing a plaid maxiskirt. She then used a
Mulderesque reverse psychology brainwave by telling the Jesus!Slugs
how much she lurved them, and began hugging them incessantly. The
combo of killer!CHarc & false sentimentality was so devastating that the
slugs became disoriented and drowned in a nearby puddle of their
collective schmoop. Our Saint gone and saved the world again.

Skull: That was such a wuvely moment. I wuv her so much. <schmoop>
Aderyn: Get that stuff away from me, DAMMIT!!

While fans may have eyerolled and yawned at some elements of
"Roadrunners", particularly at the recycled wriggly characters and plot
premise perhaps, the ep redeemed itself of every ill in the closing
sequence. A twisted fairytale of an ending, which deserves the most
gushing of praise spewed upon it. A perfect conclusion, which involved
Doggett carrying an incapacitated Scully over puddles of mangled slugs
to the relative safety of the bus. In a pleasing effort at giving viewers a
double whammy of closure and continuity, the script then took a
surprising fork in the road. A philanthropic Scully emptied the local FBI
office of all its deadly weapons and distributed them amongst the locals
(a thoughtful if somewhat unusual farewell gift). The resulting gunfire,
while unfortunate in its deathtoll, had a pleasing side effect - as the
bullets whizzed passed Scully a few grazed her skin, which merged with
her earlier surgical wounds to form a circle. Substitute!Ouroboros was
born, and fans surely rejoiced, even if it was etched into Scully's back in
rather ugly scar tissue.

Skull: I wanna get a tattoo. <whine>
Aderyn: I'm sure we can merge all your cranial scars into an interesting
design <evil grin>. I'll get to work after I've finished this next paragraph.

Be sure to check your inboxes next week, when Skull will attempt to write
a review that doesn't suck Hungarian malacologists squirrel droppings.
It'll be tough, but rest assured she'll give it her best shot. Talking of
which, this reviewer has some tattooing to do...

--end