Severed Review: "Requiem"
By Aderyn

The XF season finale took us on an eventful journey to Oregon, back to
where it all began seven years ago. A place where the roads are littered
with the letter "X" thanks to the unconventional ways of the graffiti-happy
punk. A place filled with folk called Detective Miles. A place beloved by
dysfunctional feebees, philes and Reticulans alike for its propensity for
unexplained phenomena. A place called Bellefleur, where the quest
began, and subsequently fragmented as Mulder and Scully decided to
make a baby there and thus change the focus of "The X-Files" as we
know it.

Skull: Oh this is just great. You've acknowledged the freakin' relationship
without so much a snappish exchange between us. I was ready for a fight.
Aderyn: You forget, my dear, that as a Fencesitter, I can say whatever
I please. I'm always right. Deal with...it...*ouch*
Skull: Something wrong? OMG, that's a big splinter you've got stuck
down there. I guess things got a little, erm, fraught on The Fence this
week, huh?

M&S made their final journey of the season in the company of an auditor,
Marita, Krycek, CSM, Skinner, the ova, and legions of much missed cast
members from The Pilot. They were all on the trail of The Ship that was
rumoured to be docking in Bellefleur before departing for Reticulum. All
aboard.

Skull: Such subtle symbolism.
Aderyn: I shall miss it so.

It was pleasing to see so many long lost cast members, and once pivotal
plot devices, converge in the woody landscape, and there was plenty of
enlightening interaction between TBO and the other characters for us to
wallow in one more time this season. The tone of these exchanges was
suitably sombre, as 1013 suddenly recalled that they had rendered Scully
barren some years ago, and thought it pertinent to remind the audience
of this before they made their big announcement at the conclusion of the
episode.

Skull: Hey there Mr Auditor, sorry I spent so much money and all, but I'm
barren and unable to fulfil my womanly obligation to procreate, so I went
shopping instead. Like my new blouse?
Aderyn: Hey Walter, I know we're in the middle of a difficult and
harrowing FBI case, but did I ever tell you that since my ova were
harvested, my menstrual periods are really irregular? Could you do me a
favour and go and buy me some feminine hygiene products? Thanks,
you're a doll.
Skull: Hey Mulder, wanna have sex? Don't worry about birth control, you
see I'm infertile, so you could never possibly be the hypothetical father of
my, as of yet, non-existent miracle offspring.

If the collective tear ducts overflowed at watching these heartfelt
sequences, hearts were surely broken when we had to say goodbye to a
much loved character: CSM, that illustrious evil-doer, Papa Mulder, and
admirer of Scully's boobs. He died a sad death as he tumbled down a
flight of stairs, with a little help from Krycek. Talking of which, in this
episode KRYCEK WAS NAKED IN THE FREAKIN' SHOWER... He
washed his hot and sweaty body under the relentless pounding of the
water as it shot out of the showerhead. Unbeknownst to him a sadistic
prison guard watched him as he slathered his body with cheap soap,
cleaning every fold of skin, and revelling in his own touch as his hands
slithered over his taut, sculpted muscles. The guard prepared to enter the
cubicle under the premise of escorting the prisoner back to his cell, but
he had plans for this one first. This one would be hard to tame, but he...

Skull: STOP! This is a CPF emergency. Everybody bail NOW!
Aderyn: CPF?
Skull: Cheesy Prison Fic, darlin'. Snap out of it already. This is a Scully
list, remember? Talk about her hair, make up, or how cute little Sculder's
going to be, hell anything else will do. Just make it girly, fergawdsake.

GA, as always, gave a commendable performance this episode. Every
muscle on her face conveyed a different emotion, as she silently came to
terms with the fact that she was all knocked up. Whereas a lesser
actresses would rely upon soapy operatics to convey a hidden
pregnancy, she charted new territory by avoiding such passe acting
choices, and instead opted to faint, wear A-line black zippered jackets,
pants with elasticated waistbands and faint some more.

Skull: She freakin' rules.
Aderyn: You know, I've been thinking.
Skull: Uh oh.
Aderyn: I've been thinking that you aren't going to look like Scully for
much longer. Your scullyclone days are numbered, darlin'. Scully's going
to have a body shape you can only dream about.
Skull: Fear not. I've got *plans*.
Aderyn: These plans had better not involve Krycek.

[Skull runs off to her cell]

"Requiem" contained many touching scenes, but none involved as much
touching as when Scully went to Mulder's hotel room seeking solace
when she felt unwell. The Punk redeemed himself by actually being
sensitive, as he tucked her safely in his bed with a big spoon - which he
found in the kitchen as he was putting a few buns in the oven. Will the
now acknowledged Relationship domesticate the show? Affirmative
captain.

[Skull waddles back into the room]

Aderyn: !!!!
Skull: What was that about domesticity?
Aderyn: !!!! OMG, look at you!
Skull: <blush> I know!
Aderyn: Is that a pillow stuffed up yer habit, or are you just pleased to see
me?!
Skull: I'm never pleased to see you, so I guess the former is indeed the
case. I'm a scullyclone again...phnar.

The issue of how Scully actually became pregnant without any ova was
never fully disclosed, as some major intervention, CC mishap, or fluke
had to have happened to enable this miracle. The probable candidates
were CSM and a baster; Mulder, his vial, and unique, unparalleled
access to TBO; the Stupendous Yappi, and telepathic re-ovulation; the
Bounty Hunter masquerading as a gynaecologist; or this reviewer's
personal favourite - that it was all a big misunderstanding, and that the
ova were there all along! We all know that those boys at 1013 like to goof
around!!!

Skull: Oh yeah, they're a laugh a minute! I especially liked it when they
decided to make the entire basis of the show null and void! That was
utterly hysterical!!!
Aderyn: I know! Hey, let's make Mulder's long-lost sister DEAD! That
would be SO COOL! In fact, let's make her REALLY DEAD! Like,
TWENTY YEARS DEAD!!! How funny would THAT be??!!
Skull: You know what I think would be boisterously entertaining?! If
Mulder returns sans sperm, except then the aliens return the sperm...into
his fish tank!!!
Aderyn: Hey Mulder, where did all these tadpoles come from?
Skull: And hey, maybe Scully's eggs have already been returned into a
super secret hiding place!!!
Aderyn: Mulder, is it just me or is this strawberry jam really lumpy?

The issue of the paternity of little Scully Junior, has left the door open for
a summer full of whodunit, who-dun-'er, how-did-they-do-it, EW!-she-
didn't-do-it, I-don't-care-who-she-did... and so forth. Although Mulder is
the probable winner of the contest, we were not given enough information
to be sure. It was a typically manipulative move by CC to cut the scene in
which the doctor told Scully the news, and handed her the results slip of
the pregnancy test that had been especially designed and colour coded
for her needs. Blue for "positive", green for "alien", gold for "immaculate
conception", pink for "Hell, we don't know where we're going with this plot
thread! <giggle>," and a dull-grey for "negative...in all senses."

Skull: Whatever it is, it's going to be one loved little baby.
Aderyn: Yeah, I can just see the baby showers now. All those cute little
booties, cuddly soft toys, plams, vaccine-filled baby bottles, intergalactic
travel sickness pills...
Skull: And I can just see the nursery - it's going to be a jolly medley of
freaky aliens, a little autopsy playset, a Practice Your Morphing kit, a
Cattle Mutilations colouring book, a Pinch the Ova from the Lady game...

Whatever truth Gillian Anderson was told by CC, she played the scene in
which she shared her secret with Skinner with great aplomb. Only GA
could grit her teeth and feign happiness at the thought of nursing pads,
padding, and maternity clothes for the foreseeable future.

Skull: She's amazing. This pillow is damn uncomfortable after awhile let
me tell you. I share her PAIN.
Aderyn: Yeah, there's definitely something painful about this situation.
Skull: I think you'll find that it's the PAIN you're going to be in after this
review hits the list and I find out that you wrote a load of crap about me. Again.

While Scully was resting in the hospital, Mulder took the opportunity to
hook up with a few old pals from many years ago. It was delightful to
watch him bond with Billy and Theresa again - who were looking well,
despite periodically secreting toxic green blood. Mulder, who was curious
about The Ship (now that his relationship with Scully had been finally
acknowledged), persuaded Billy, Theresa, their giant baby, Detective
Miles Sr, and the Bounty Hunter to accompany him on a "nice little trip to
the forest". While more astute folk would have run screaming for their
lives upon hearing such words, this intrepid bunch were game, and
hopped into the Lariat in search of the impressive vessel as it sailed
through Oregon.

It is not completely clear what happened next, but it seems that the ever-
inquisitive Mulder boarded The Ship as it set sail, and was not seen
again. Absentee, abductee, or just taking a cruise? We will have a long
wait until we know for sure.

Skull: Where do you think he's gone? Reticulum?
Aderyn: Rumour has it that some peeved NoRomos hijacked The Ship,
abducted Mulder and took him away for some serious reprogramming.
Skull: Has anyone seen Loa?

In the closing sequence Skinner returned to the bedside of Our Saint,
and did his best to set himself up as The Substitute, by imitating the Punk
and scrunching up his face every which way. Scully didn't buy it, but
appreciated the gesture, and together they wept. They shed stunt tears at
the prospect of a Mulderlite season eight, because Scully had lost her
friggin' cross again, because of the dirty rotten lies advertisers tell about
the absorbency of diapers, because Scully's hormones were out of
whack, but mainly because it was The End.

Skull: Hey, I hope you've got a good ending planned for this review.
Seeing as it's the last one and all that, we need to conclude things
properly.
Aderyn: <gulp> Yeah. It's all planned out in my rough draft. <wobble>
Skull: Good, because I was a little concerned that you'd fall back on your
usual cracking open my cranium histrionics. <yawn>

[Aderyn hides the last page of her review notes, The Club, The Spear of
Indecision, and the Backfiring Pistol]

"Requiem" was a very special episode of The X-Files. It was an episode
that energised and feminised both the Kingdom of Phile, and the cast
members - which is best illustrated by proud papa Mulder merrily
skipping onboard the Ship wearing some lurvely gold jewellery. Hopes
are high for the next batch of episodes, due sometime next Fall, when
they will surely come kicking and screaming out of 1013 headquarters,
and find a way into our hearts.

Skull: Excuse me while I barf.
Aderyn: Oh, thanks. It wasn't that bad was it?
Skull: No really. I'm gonna spew.
Aderyn: Eww.
Skull: It's this damn pillow, I'm overheating.
Aderyn: Deah gott, I think it's time! Somebody call a doctor STAT. Get
some towels, warm some water. Dammit, Is anyone listening to me?!
Skull: Shaddup, wench. Could you *just once* help me out without
resorting to sarcasm, or making petty, cruel jokes at my expense?
Aderyn: Push, Skull, PUSH.

[Skull successfully pulls the pillow free from her habit]

Aderyn: Ooh, it's beautiful <snicker>. What's it called?
Skull: I think I'll name it "Aderyn". After all, what a fitting tribute to have a
dense pillow, with stuffing for brains, named after you! Coochy coo, little Ad.
Aderyn: Why, you little ****
Skull: **** you.

[And so we leave our Severed Reviewers as we found them many
months ago - bickering, clueless foreigners, who are sadly none the
wiser, and a little bruised by the season-long battle that they have
endured. They would bid you farewell if they had any manners, and they
might even have said "thanks" for all the entertaining posts, and feedback
that they have found in their mailboxes, but that would be out of
character, so they haven't just done that. On their behalf, I'd like to say
one thing: "tHe ObSsE RulZ," because that's what they've been trying to
say all season, but the poor dears could never quite find a way of
articulating this basic sentiment. Must be the multiple concussions. ;)]

-end :)