Severed Review: "Per Manum"
By Skullhead

For months, the XF fan community has been wondering how the hell
Scully got a gestating creature into her uteral region. We have been
patiently enduring episodes dealing with batmen, divine mollusks and
perspiring jellyfish, waiting for the episode that would reveal, once and
for all, the great secrets of The Bun. And after this week's masterpiece,
"Per Manum", we can just keep on waiting because WE KNOW
NOTHING. WE WERE JERKED AROUND FOR FORTY-TWO MINUTES
OR WHATEVER THE HELL THE AMOUNT IS TO EMERGE WITH
*NOTHING*.

Aderyn: Will you stop shouting please? It's bad netiquette.
Skull: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FORK ABOUT BAD NETIQUETTE, BUT-
Aderyn: But our readers do, Numbskull. You sound like a newbie troll. Be
nice, dammit.
Skull: I DON'T WANT TO FREAKING WELL BE NICE, BUT-
Aderyn: Come on. Believe me, I understand your frustration, but you'll
find it will come across much more coherently if you stop shouting.
Skull: I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT-
Aderyn: I know what you're trying to tell me, Skull, and it's okay. But you
need to come to terms with your dissatisfaction in a calm and respectful
manner.
Skull: MY SHIFT KEY IS STUCK, YOU BLOODY IDIOT.
Aderyn: Oh. Trying banging the keyboard against your forehead.

[pause]

Skull: That worked, but now there's blood gushing from my cranium.
Aderyn: Oh, really? What a terrible, terrible shame.

"Per Manum", the episode that promised us answers and was instead an
exercise in equivocation, frustrated many XF viewers with its lack of
conclusiveness. But this, in my opinion, was mainly due to the flagrant
lack of understanding by these same viewers. Chris and Co are merely
leaving us tantalising clues so that we can make up our *own* minds
about The Sculder Situation. You know it's intelligent writing when we're
left to invent the plots ourselves.

Aderyn: So what conclusions did you draw?
Skull: I'm still sharpening my pencil.
Aderyn: Well, I think we should make it the aim of this review to figure out
How The Bun Was Baked.
Skull: Yes! The origins of cake and variations thereof are numinous
mysteries that simply must be explained.
Aderyn: And we're just the chicks to do it.
Skull: Because we haven't seen the episodes in question.
Aderyn: Precisely.

"Per Manum" lovingly explored two ways in which Scully might have been
impregnated: in vitro fertilisation, and another option that involves an
alien foetus, but is unclear on stuff like how the foetus got into the uterus in
the first place. Chris Carter does so like to tease us - so I think it's a
logical assumption that there will soon be an episode featuring Mulder
and Scully boinking like constipated llamas. All possibilities must be
explored in the XF universe.

Aderyn: Yeah, I'm still waiting for the ep where they do it. Period. They
don't even have to be emulating copulating members of the animal
kingdom.
Skull: I think that's asking a bit much, don't you?

In spite of the episode's vagueness, it did have a plot, albeit a wacky one.
Anne of Green Gables was giving birth to an alien elephant, and Scully,
being a big fan of hers, decided to look into the problem as a favour. She
was then confronted with questions about her own pregnancy and
uncovered some deepset insecurities, etc etc, blah blah blah. The
important part was that ANNE SHIRLEY WAS GIVING BIRTH TO AN
ALIEN ELEPHANT.

Aderyn: Tut tut. What would Marilla say?
Skull: Screw Marilla. I want to know where Gilbert is and why his wife is
giving birth to an extraterrestrial pachyderm.

Before this review proceeds any further, I suppose I should mention that
Mulder was back again. But not really back. He was in the episode, but
he was still abducted. Because parts of this episode took place in the
distant past. Even though they were filmed at the same time as the other
parts of the episode, which took place in the present. To avoid confusion,
Scully had a different hairstyle in each time zone, a la Gwyneth Paltrow in
"Sliding Doors". Coincidentally, Scully was pregnant just like Gwyneth.
But there was no John Hannah, just Mulder with some mysterious fatty
facial deposits that were NOT there when the episode was supposed to
have taken place. Maybe it's an alternate reality?

Aderyn: You had a paragraph exactly like that in your last review,
however many weeks ago that was.
Skull: I did not. I'm sure I've never mentioned John Hannah before. I
would definitely remember. <drool>
Aderyn: The paragraph was clearly recycled. You've been doing a lot of
that lately. It's not good enough.
Skull: It saves trees?
Aderyn: No paper is involved.
Skull: Virtual trees?
Aderyn: You're pathetic.
Skull: Imaginary virtual trees?

Courtesy of the frequent FatMulderFlashbacks, we learned that Scully
had been attempting to get pregnant in a remarkably discreet way, since
all evidence of it was so cleverly hidden during the course of last season.
All this was made possible by Mulder and his ova appropriation during
the cancer arc - in a shocking twist, it was revealed that he was
fortunately carrying a small esky in his pocket at the time, thus proving
once again that 1013's ability to plan ahead should never be
underestimated. An agreeable aspect of this plot development came
when we saw Scully flashing her boobs at a gynaecologist, the
mammarial equivalent of screaming GET ME PREGNANT NOW,
DAMMIT.

Aderyn: So maybe the evil doctor is actually the father?
Skull: I have a theory that the dad is Eddie Van BlundHt.
Aderyn: That could be kewl. A monkey baby would allow the Olsen twins
to make an appearance at a later date.

If nothing else, this episode did manage to prompt a major 'shipper
revival, as various chunks of the Titanic rose from the bottom of the
ocean and began to float aimlessly around on the surface. Mulder and
Scully spent a considerable percentage of their time discovering
erogenous zones on each other's faces, resulting in an unforeseen
hamster impregnation for Mulder. You never know what slobber can do
these days.

Aderyn: Why hamsters?
Skull: From what I understand, Mulder is a guppy, so maybe a hamster
can be produced via horse-guppy crossbreeding.
Aderyn: There appears to have been quite a large contingent of animalia
in this week's ep.

There appears to have been quite a large contingent of animalia in this
week's ep. What with the goat babies, monkey babies, kazoo-playing
elephant babies, hamster babies, guppies, squirrels and horses, XF is
well and truly breaking the rule of never working with children or animals
or combinations thereof. I must say I think it's a pathetic way to boost the
show's dwindling ratings. You can't get much more desperate than that.

Aderyn: Knock on wood.

An unpleasant side effect of these numerous domestic beasts was the
huge amount of apples littering the sets. This once again proves 1013's
lack of ability to rise above stereotypes - not ALL animals eat apples.
Realistically, they would need far more protein than that in their diets in
order to survive.

Aderyn: Maybe that's why Mulder was running around stealing eggs.
They're very nutritious.
Skull: Are you smoking something bad?
Aderyn: No, it's pretty good actually.
Skull: Well, have you made any progress on determining Scully's source
of impregnation?
Aderyn: I'm leaning towards one of the animals.
Skull: I feel obliged to remind you that a) this is not Wales, and b) there
were no sheep.

A particularly touching scene occurred when Mulder signed a permission
slip that allowed Scully to utilise his sperm as she saw fit. However, I
can't help wondering what would have happened if Mulder, seeing as
though he HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS and everything, had responsibly
denied Scully's request. Would she have gone door to door asking for
seminal donations? It's for a good cause, and it's tax deductible.

Aderyn: I'm sure that there would have been several willing participants,
Skinner for example.
Skull: Then the poor baby would be cursed with a permanently bald
head. It'd be a bad look with those three-inch heels.
Aderyn: Yeah, but imagine the scene where Scully asks him for some of
his widdle swimmers.
Skull: Sir, I realise that this isn't official FBI business, but in a totally
unofficial capacity would you mind dropping your pants and inseminating
me?
Aderyn: Booootiful. What an Emmy-worthy scene that would have been.
<sigh>

Speaking of Mulder's terminal illness, I must comment that I am
NOT in favour of that particular plot development. I can understand that
the Punk might want to leave behind a legacy, but a genetically deformed
child is perhaps not the best means of achieving it. Surely he could found
a grey T-shirt company or something.

Aderyn: Or invent a new kind of laser surgery that obliterates squinting.
Skull: Or create a new model of gun that has superglue on the grip.
Aderyn: Or become the poster boy for Novocaine.

Despite the delusions of the more domestically oriented 'shippers, it's
beginning to look more and more likely that Mulder and Scully are in fact
both gay. The facial slobbering on Scully's part was early platonic, and no
two people who are passionately in love would ever choose to make a
baby together. However, this revelation does have its positive side, as it
opens up many exciting new avenues for the show's future. Mulder and
Doggett are likely to lock eyes across a crowded spaceship when at last
they meet, and the pending arrival of a new girly girl is likely to improve
Scully's personal life to a considerable degree. Whoever said that there
would never be a Happily Ever After on XF clearly did not factor in this
scenario.

Aderyn: Ooooh! Ooooh!
Skull: What?
Aderyn: I've worked out how Scully got pregnant! My God, it's so obvious!
Skull: How?
Aderyn: I can't believe I didn't see it before!
Skull: WHAT?
Aderyn: Chris even left a bigass clue for us. The answer is all in the title.
Skull: Per Manum?
Aderyn: Translating to "by hand".
Skull: You don't mean...
Aderyn: Of course. All that stuff they told us in health class was a big fat
hairy lie.
Skull: Next thing we know, Scully will go blind as well.

"Per Manum" held many secrets in its sweaty paw - the truth about the
baby that was the loving creation of two FBI agents who were the
masters of their own domains. The truth about the importance of widdle
animals to all Arcs. The truth about Anne Shirley, and her, ahem,
fondness for elephants - her true kindred spirits. And perhaps...dare we
say it?...the key to the X-Files?

Aderyn: Oh, please. The key to the X-Files is the mother of all skeleton
keys. That is, if the door isn't flapping around in the breeze already.
Skull: I know, but it sounded dramatic. Humour me.

So, as we all wait with bated breath for the next instalment of XF to grace
our screens, a review by Aderyn should find its way into your inboxes
quite soon. After that, we can only hope that y'all enjoy your brief respite
from XF, because we will. Heehee!

-end