Severed Review: "Millennium"
By Aderyn

Word of mouth had it that there would be something special happening
during the Y2K compliant episode of The X-Files. Hyped-up
shenanigans, discreet press leaks, and a possible sighting of tongue
served to ignite fervent speculation in the preceding weeks -- elevating
blood pressures, feuds, and other *things*. All this because 1013 had
decided to give the fan-base closure; to finally give patient philes what
they had waited six freakin' years to see. The THING we'd all yearned for
-- a *decent* crossover. 'Bout time.

"Millennium", that cancelled, defunct CC show about death and stuff, was
the perfect crossover material. "Armageddon-lite" merged seamlessly
with XF, as maths geeks of the world united over zombies, tie tacks, and
cell phones with suspiciously long life-spans. In a predictably cheery
episode, the FBI's most unwanted teamed up with their local prophets of
doom in the fight against evil. They valiantly battled against the living
dead and four football playing horse-riders -- the combined forces of
which threatened to bring about the end of the world.

Skull: Dah, dah daaaaaaaah! So, did they succeed?
Aderyn: I'll tell you in 2001, when the *actual* Millennium
happens.

Some interesting character development occurred as our loveable duo
struggled to come to terms with their impending fate. A plethora of near-
death experiences served to divulge interesting snippets about Mulder
and Scully. The punk didn't cope well with the news that the end was
nigh, as he panic-bought industrial quantities of salt in preparation for the
apocalypse. Scully reacted in a more pro-active fashion, maturing from
kindly FBI shoulder shots to more severe blast-that-mother's-face-out-of-
this-life-for-good, gun toting, machete wielding chick with attitude. Hoo
BOY.

Skull: <sniffle> She's such a positive role model.
Aderyn: <sigh> I know.
Skull: <sniffle> Decapitation rocks.

Gillian Anderson once again gave a layered performance, highlighted in a
deftly underplayed scene between Scully and Skinner. Her dimples
twitched a fraction to the right as they chatted, thereby confirming that
she did indeed remember that she has a tattoo emblazoned onto her
skin.

Skull: It wasn't her dimples, it was her crinkles.
Aderyn: Well, whatever muscle she moved, she managed to
express her discomfort sans words.
Skull: But how do you know it was ouroborous-angst that was
causing these facial twitches? I mean, maybe she'd just <ahem>
ingested some of Mulder's salt... or something.
Aderyn: Do you have to lower the tone all the time?
Skull: Heh heh. You said "lower."
Aderyn: Huh?
Skull: Anyway, let's move on. I believe this is an appropriate
moment to begin an in-depth analysis of the...
Aderyn:...ouroborous. Yeah, thanks for reminding me.

It had been feared that 1013 would conveniently forget about the fact that
The Millennium group's symbol was suspiciously like the ouroborous that
lay hidden on the small of Scully's back. But this time they didn't
disappoint -- subtle references littered the episode.

Skull: Subtle enough for me not to know what the bleep you're
talking about.
Aderyn: Now, now dear. Are you sitting comfortably? For I shall
tell you a tale of subliminal tattooinuity.
Skull: *cough*the kiss*cough*
Aderyn: What was that?
Skull: Oh nothing, carry on.

Tattooinuity ran rampant during "Millennium": the episode. It was out
there, you just had to know where to look. Indeed the writers should be
commended for their discreet handling of the issue, opting for quietly
elusive references as opposed to their usual heavy-handed approach.
Millennial events culminated with Mulder surrounded by zombies, his life
was in peril, yet he chose this moment to draw a circle around his body
with that ever-useful salt.

Skull: And?
Aderyn: It was a CIRCLE. You must come full CIRCLE to find the
truth; the never-ending CYCLE of destruction and re-birth; our favourite
CYCLICAL snake: the ouroborous.
Skull: Oh right! Cool bananas.
Aderyn: And such a sweet gesture from Mulder. Thinking of
Scully when he could have been focused on saving his own ass.
Skull: Very sweet, which brings us to the subject of their
affectionate...
Aderyn: Wait, I'm not finished with the tattooinuity yet!
Skull: *cough*THE KISS*cough*
Aderyn: You got a cold?
Skull: I was trying to remind you that you really need to mention
the other THING.
Aderyn: Oh right, that. We're not allowed to discuss it,
remember? I don't want to get covered in trout sap.
Skull: Dissect it. Analyse it. SPECULATE.
Aderyn: Calm down Skull, *please*.

It seems ironic that a show that became an underground success by
tapping into burgeoning millennial angst six years ago, should greet this
momentous occasion by focusing eventually not on Armageddon, or alien
invasion, but rather on a simple gesture of human affection. Scully and
Mulder, the two slowest workers on the planet, finally affirmed their
interest in each other by locking lips, albeit in a predictably chaste way.

Skull: STOP. I simply have to intervene here, this is blatantly
wrong. The Kiss went on for two minutes, since when is that chaste?...I
mean *really*.
Aderyn: Two minutes? NO, it was six seconds!
Skull: Do we sub to the same Mailing List? Can you read? It was
a minimum of fifteen seconds, during which passionate sparks did fly. It's
perfectly clear that there was lurve involved, with potential for graduation
to the hot monkey variety.
Aderyn: Can you bypass your Shipper tendencies for one second?

[Skull pulls Aderyn's hair]

Aderyn: Hey, what was that for?
Skull: I don't like the way this review is going. You're a fallacious
fool of a Fencesitter, who's allowing her misguided indecisiveness to bias
the review.
Aderyn: ME. Biased. That's a good one, coming from one who is
so far aboard The Ship, that you're practically sailing the damn thing up
the River of Delusions, a journey that will lead you to the Ocean of
Disappointment; whereupon The Ship will hit the iceberg they call 'Carter-
tease' and SINK.
Skull: DAL. We want DAL. WE WANT DAL.

[Aderyn hits Skull with The Club ™]

Aderyn: Take that, you stupefyingly simplistic Shipper.
Skull: ... daaa... aal...
Aderyn: Erm, Skull? You OK?
Skull: ........
Aderyn: Oopsie.
Skull: ........

The *thing*-which-shall-never-be-mentioned-again-for-it-is-a-health-
hazard aside, this episode was a real unexpected success. "Millennium"
was reminiscent of early episodes of XF, when it could actually scare the
audience. Mysteries of apocalyptic proportions were explored in an
altogether frightening 45 minutes. Zombies brandished staple guns,
sheriffs undressed the dead, the deceased were resurrected with cell
phones, and football players were rightly named as evil incarnate.

Despite all these frightening revelations and characters, this episode
concluded in a positive way. Battling through all the depravity, the world
was saved by a little red-haired maths geek, who decapitated zombies to
secure our future. Our Saint gone and done it again.

Unanswered questions still remain for this reviewer: How *big* exactly are
Mulder's hands? Will Rania pay up? How do you pronounce "ouroborous?"
And, will Phledge have to perform an emergency ellipsiotomy on the
currently non compos mentis Skullhead?

Tune in next week, when a review written by Skull will find its way into
your inbox. Uh, probably.

Skull: .......


-end