Severed Review: "The Amazing Maleeni"
By Aderyn

As the seventh season races ever onwards towards its climactic
resolution, it's nice to know that 1013 have a game-plan and are intent on
filling every remaining episode with relevant, thought-provoking slices of
XF pie. "The Magnificent Maleeni" served to fulfil every dream that every
phile has ever dared to wish for. Its brilliance had Abbey denizens
posting 14K tomes that explored every nook and cranny, brow and
furrow, twist and turn. . .

[Skull shoots Aderyn with her Mattel bow and arrow play set]

Skull: Hey, wake up.
Aderyn: zzzzZ!!Krycekyou'resuchabadboy!!Zzzzz
Skull: WAKE UP, wench. You've got a review to write about an episode
you haven't seen, and that the brethren posted barely anything about.
<neener>
Aderyn: Damn.

"The Amazing Maleeni" had the unenviable task of following an ep that
featured the antics of Ted Danson's spawn. While this would indeed be a
difficult concept for the most skilled of writers to grapple with, the
episode that (didn't) grace our television screens this week managed - in
that age-old XF tradition - to completely fail to profit from the potential of
its predecessor. "Magic is about misdirection," promised the trailer that
(wasn't) televised last week. Misdirected's about right.

Expectations were high for the episode that promised to thrust the viewer
into the world of illusion. However, in hindsight it should have been
obvious that this ep would sink without a trace. Magic is about deception,
and as such is a treat with a hollow core.

Skull: Time out. Time out. Why are you being so negative? I thoroughly
enjoyed this week's ep.
Aderyn: Only because of the gratuitous mention you get, Ms Severed Skull.
Skull: Awwww, you're jealous! That's almost endearing.

The action took place in the wilds of LA, uprooting cast and crew to the
Santa Monica Pier. It was amidst this exotic locale that Scully, and that
guy she hangs out with, chased after a trickster named Maleeni, hoping
to decipher the mystery of the week.

Skull: And the mystery was?
Aderyn: I dunno.
Skull: Great, this should be another fine review to add to the archives.
<rolls eyes>

Maleeni was a magician of great skill, who enjoyed twirling his hands so
fast that they resembled a cross between road-kill and a sausage.
Apparently this sleight of hand was so mesmerising that it caused
audiences everywhere to lose their heads and limbs. Assisted by his
trusty sidekick Autumn!Barbie, Maleeni plummeted the depths of
evilness. It was into this shockingly poor premise that the dynamic duo
found themselves this week. Desperate times indeed, as we witnessed
the pitiable sight of Scully and Mulder chasing headless magicians,
amputees and Barbies up and down the goddamned pier.

Skull: Hey, was David Copperfield in this episode? He's yummy.
Aderyn: I'm *very* disturbed to hear that. And no, he wasn't in the
freaking episode.
Skull: Oh. Pity. I thought that with all this talk about Barbies, Claudia
Schiffer must have been around.
Aderyn: They've broken up, you idiot.
Skull: <snicker>
Aderyn: What is it now?
Skull: I just think it would be cool if he "accidentally" sawed her in half or
something. It would give new meaning to the term "broken up".
Aderyn: You're a sad person. Besides, even sawed in half she'd be taller
than you.
Skull: That was so not called for.

Playing Maleeni to slimy perfection was Garry Shandling, who managed
to bring a perceptive, if cheesy realism to the role of a dodgy magician
who could do really scary things with his hands. However, the real
revelation this week was the actress who played Autumn!Barbie, the one
and only Tea Leoni (or Darjeeling Duchovny as she is often referred in
these parts.) Ms DD strutted her stuff on the pier, catching dismembered
heads, demurely modelling the latest fashions, and generally trying to
surpass poor Scully in every way.

The cynical among us might well assume that the mere presence of
Darjeeling Duchovny, coupled with Mattel's latest Barbie promotion,
would indicate that all is not well at 1013 headquarters. A nepotistic
casting-couch is cause enough for concern, but could it be that viewers
fell pray to subliminal advertising and underhand, meddlesome
moneymaking schemes?

Skull: Oh, who cares! As far as I'm concerned it's great. Barbies have
been sanctioned by the Abbey. It be kewl.
Aderyn: *Please*. And look at your Barbie, she's got a buzz-cut, and one
of her arms is missing. My right-haired, fully-limbed PI could take her on
any day.
Skull: Let's test that out shall we?
Aderyn: Okay, you're on. Give me a few minutes to set the scene.

Autumn!Barbie, while a character of questionable morals, did manage to
look good throughout the whole episode. Her fitted, metallic appliqued
bodice transmogrified to a long chiffon gown that shimmered with hues of
copper and gold. As she sashayed up and down the pier, revelling in the
gazes of the adoring masses, we witnessed an interesting Scully
moment.

TBO, who usually has the last word when it comes to power-dressing,
had unfortunately packed in haste for her visit to the pier. In her ill-fitting
shirt and gaping jacket, she was not able to compete with the poise of
Autumn!Barbie. Never one to be outdone by another chick, Scully
retaliated in every way possible. She donned a top-hat so that she could
rival the statuesque Ms DD, she smeared her face with several different
shades of makeup, and then she rotated her head 360 degrees and
manipulated her body into a pretzel-shaped form -- just to prove how
limber she was.

Skull: Oooh, is this the bit when she did the hand and wrist trick?
Aderyn: We can't go down that road Skull. I didn't label this post MC.
Skull: Eh? What? How?... Oh deah gott.
Aderyn: This seems like an opportune moment to make a start with the
Barbie vs PI contest. First round: Which doll is the most freakily and
disturbingly flexible? Ready, steady, GO!

[time passes like a heartbeat]

Skull: You done yet? Lemme see.
Aderyn: <sniffle> Her legs have snapped off.
Skull: I win! Look at my Barbie, she's twisted tighter than a reef knot!
<nyah>
Aderyn: You wait 'til the next round. All will be revenged.

While Scully was unravelling herself, Maleeni apparently decapitated one
audience member too many. This caused Mulder's brain to click that
maybe he should get off his ass and attempt to make an arrest before he
got it in the neck (in both senses.) However, when the evil Maleeni had
been apprehended, he weaselled his way out of prison by using that tired
old defence "they needed choppin'." The unfortunate consequence of
this somewhat disturbing scene was that the on-set hairdresser misheard
Shandling's reading, and took his words as a green light to shear another
couple of inches off TBO's once luscious locks.

This episode had all the hallmarks of a last-minute bodge. Apparently
there were several loose ends that needed tying...

Skull: <snicker> Or split ends that needed choppin'...

... several pertinent PLOT points that needed explaining towards the
conclusion of the 45 minutes. Is there one "d" or two in CraDDock Marine
Bank? What colour lipstick does TBO favour? Just how wrong can good
foundation gone bad really be? And which is better in the eyeshadow
department: prancy sparkles or professional matte? Some questions are
just too important to remain unanswered.

Most despicable of all was CC's blatant attempt to secure a favourable
review from The Severed. The continual references to our humble
organisation were a feeble attempt at pandering. And really, as much as
we like to revel in the dark side here at SVYRDMUL Incorporated, an
unspoken line has been crossed when a surfer gives the go-ahead to
slicing and dicing cast members.

Skull: Despicable.
Aderyn: I'm on to CC. I bet he's seething over my callous review. <heh heh>
Skull: It don't take a blood-bath to win us over. We're cheap. Chocolate
would have done the trick.
Aderyn: It was kinda cool though. All them severed heads bouncing
around on the pier.
Skull: They didn't bounce, they thudded.
Aderyn: They definitely bounced. Let's test it out shall we? No, not with
you! With the dolls.
Skull: Round two: Which doll's head bounces the highest?

[Aderyn and Skull tear the heads off their dollies]

Aderyn: Ready, steady, BOUNCE!
Skull: Oh. Crap.
Aderyn: What?
Skull: Mine bounced.
Aderyn: Interesting. Mine thudded.
Skull: That's weird.
Aderyn: Not really. Your Barbie's head has lots of air in it, so naturally it
would fly to high heaven if given some momentum. My PI's head contains
lots of brains, and is therefore too heavy for extended elevation. Besides,
if you hadn't plucked all the follicles from your Barbie's head she wouldn't
be quite so aerodynamic.
Skull: It doesn't matter really, because due to Barbie's excellent
performance in the first round I win the contest! Barbie kick's the PI's ass.
Aderyn: I wanna rematch.
Skull: Stop with the whining, okay? Or I'm going to tell one of the elders
what you've just done to your PI.
Aderyn: < sob> I don't want to play anymore.

"The Mediocre and sometimes Maladroit Maleeni" concluded with little
magic. Scully and Mulder managed to leave the pier-of-doom with their
heads intact, but their pride was bruised, as yet another criminal
mastermind had escaped their clutches. We can only hope that they will
have recovered enough to deal with next week's bag of writhing trouble.
Knowing XF's reputation for continuity as we all do, our hopes are high.

--end