Severed Review: "Je Souhaite"
By Skullhead

The second-to-last episode of this X-Files season, "Je Souhaite", was
a breeding-ground for wishes. Everyone was doin' it. Shippers, noromos
and fencesitters alike were united in their desire for more. More creepy
episodes. More red suits. More floof. More money FOR THE CHILDREN.
Everyone was wishing for more, more, more, and, thanks to the return of
The Artist Formerly Known as Vince, they found their release.

Aderyn: What the hell is this?
Skull: What?
Aderyn: Are you capable of composing an introductory paragraph that
*doesn't* focus on sex?
Skull: Did I say anything?
Aderyn: Oh come on, you know you're preoccupied with the topic.
Skull: Am not.
Aderyn: Are too.
Skull: Am not.
Aderyn: Are too.
Skull: Threepio.
Aderyn: Eh?
Skull: Never mind.

To the relief of many, this week's episode was reminiscent of the
comedy episodes of old, when vampires and monkey-babies were the
order of the day. This week's weird freaky monsterish human was Jenn,
a French genie who spent her idle years rolling around in a rug.
Jenn, played with charm and humour by Paula Eden, had the happiest of
professions - granting wishes to stoopid people.

Aderyn: In the real world, people in that profession are known as
television executives.
Skull: Could you do me a favour and shut up? Stop freakin'
interrupting me. You're totally quenching the flow of my brain juices
here.
Aderyn: Oh I'm *so* sorry, Little Miss Bony Framework of the Head.
Skull: If I had a wish it would be to shut your mouth permanently.
Aderyn: I hear that can be done from the inside these days.
Skull: ...eep?

While focusing mainly on the wonderful comedic aspects of removing
people's mouths and abolishing the human population, director Vince
Gilligan did manage to work a serious skein into the episode - that
of Genie Pain. The uncomfortable physical ramifications of living out
of a bottle were heartrendingly explored in a touching scene where
Jenn was reduced to tears upon viewing the contents of Scully's
wardrobe. Apparently four-inch heels are deemed impractical for
members of the Djinn.

Aderyn: Did somebody say gin?
Skull: Good stuff, that. A tonic for many problems.
Aderyn: Great for lifting the spirits.
Skull: But it tends to make people wine about their problems.
Aderyn: Except when they liqu or kiss everyone in sight.
Skull: It can also provide a sense of clarety.
Aderyn: However, if you're dishonest it can cause sham pain.
Skull: <groan> Your puns make me want tequilya.
Aderyn: Ha hahaha ha, this is all very amusing but I think we'd
better stop before somebody tries to take on chardonnay.
Skull: You know, apparently you can die of an enormous hard on, eh?
Aderyn: ...oh dear lord.
Skull: Never underestimate the power of my punnage.
Aderyn: It's intoxicating. <snerk>

One criticism I would make is that there was an unnecessary focus on
alcohol prevalent in the episode. Not only did the genie race have a
name reminiscent of a beverage, but Mulder and Scully spent a lot of
their time swilling Shiner Bock Beer and then using their Secret Air-Fare
Cash Stash to market it across the country. (Life after the X-Files for our
favourite agents? You betcha.) Unfortunately, the effects of so much
alcohol soon became evident in our little cheap drunk saint.

Aderyn: Hey! To call Scully cheap is like complaining about floods in the
Sahara.
Skull: I didn't say she was cheap. I said she was a cheap drunk. Just like
me. <preen>
Aderyn: Um, I don't think that's something to be proud of.
Skull: Quit bursting my bubble. A girl's gotta have *something* to hold on to.
Aderyn: Well, maybe next time you could try your sanity?

It was disappointing to see a woman who is usually such an excellent
role model for young girls (except when she's shooting the sh*t out of
unarmed suspects) giggle and bounce her way through the episode.
In a moment of folly she introduced Jenn to beer, inducing her to prove
that yes, it *is* true what they say about genies and bottles. Even worse,
at one point Scully actually began experiencing alcohol induced visual
hallucinations in the form of, um, dead invisible men. The normally
solemn agent ran around like a little girl at Christmas, merrily slicing open
her hallucinatory friend so she could see his invisible organs, and in a
moment of vanity even powdering her nose so she'd look her best - not
that physical appearance is likely to be among an invisible man's top
priorities, unless of course it's his own. However, Scully's drunken joy
soon abated when the invisible man began to invisibly decompose as a
result of Scully downing a pot of sobering coffee. Nothing like caffeine to
ward off those invisible corpses.

Aderyn: That whole plotline was *such* a blatant OBSSE reference.
Skull: What?
Aderyn: The invisible man, and don't forget that the genie woman was
called Paula.
Skull: What?
Aderyn: Invisible. Paula. Demon?
Skull: There was a demon?
Aderyn: You're impossible.
Skull: Your point?

A lighter moment occurred when Jenn introduced Scully to the long-kept
secret of Genie Cleavage Sans Bra - remote control. Not only did this
breakthrough method allow Scully's breasts to maintain a state of
approximate equilibrium with her armpits, but it also acquainted our saint
with a new form of mammarial exercise - push-ups. The bra was not
named thus for nothing.

Aderyn: Poor Autumn - she'll be so devastated that Gillian no longer
requires manual boob adjustment.
Skull: I know, it's heartbreaking. She does it all for us.
Aderyn: <sniffle> And now she has to admin the list for another year.
How will she survive without her day job? List administration simply does
not have the <cough> perks of mammarial modification.
Skull: <sob> I know. She's such a wonderful role model. Such an
inspiration. And she's so goddamn demure. <wail>
Aderyn: Is that enough, do you think?
Skull: Oh, I'd say so. Charge a little extra on her next sponsorship bill, too
- crying don't come cheap.

In the process of selling beer in Missouri, Mulder and Scully found time to
check out the local morgue. Impressed with the fashionably minimalist
decor, they decided to set up an office there to assist with their alcohol
marketing activities. After fornicating on the desk, they decided to go
modern and not have nameplates on the door - a decision universally
approved by the fans. If Scully don't get a nameplate, the punk don't
either: women's lib forever, baybee. Now somebody just needs to steal
Mulder's ova, and they'll be even.

As a reviewer I am happy to report that this mostly irreverent episode did
contain a serious message - be careful what you wish for. The ill-effects
of poorly thought-out wishes were clearly displayed as Rosie Perez and
Russell Crowe appeared out of the ether and took their places in the
office of the FBI's most unwanted. They were soon interrupted by other
guests, as the office began to flood with the many colourful characters
named in the wish lists of <cough> devout fans. Among these dazed
participants were Britney Spears, Robin Williams, Detective Kresge,
David Letterman, a large assortment of vertically and/or proportionally
challenged individuals, and the unfortunate Pendrell, who despite being
dead for four years tried to hold his own in the celebrity-traffic and among
those that still drew breath.

Aderyn: Ooh, I love Pendrell, I hope he gets to be Scully's partner next
year.
Skull: Yeah, that would be so cute. There's nobody down here but the
FBI's most undead.
Aderyn: That's why they put the Eye in the FBI, so poor Pendrell could
see again.
Skull: Why, Agent Scully, I was under the impression that you'd been
sent to autopsy me.
Aderyn: Chris Carter, are you listening?

Je Souhaite was an episode with an altruistic heart, as schmoopy Mulder
made the world a better place by wishing the genie out of her bottle.
Rumour has it that ol' Jenn was humming Christina Aguilera's poptastic
tune "I'm a genie in a bottle, gotta rub me the right way" at the time which
swayed I'm-gettin'-plenty-but-one-more-time-won't-hurt!Mulder a little.
Viewers were relieved to discover that once the carpet-burn-happy genie
was free she could not tear the punk away from his one true love. We
witnessed a truly touching moment as Mulder snuggled up with his
Significant Other on the black leather couch that's seen so much action
over the years. This sequence ended with a satisfyingly raunchy moment
when our favourite scrunchy-face thrust his beloved - a video from his
extending...erm, extensive collection - into the lips of the video recorder.

Aderyn: Ah, so sad, so sad. Gee Skull, you're a shipper, aren't you?
That's gotta hurt.
Skull: Just you wait. I bet you a million trillion dollars that next week, we'll
definitively discover the oft debated existence of rumpy-pumpyal activities
betwixt our saint and her punkly cohort.
Aderyn: Oh yeah?
Skull: Yeah.
Aderyn: Oh yeah?
Skull: Yeah.
Aderyn: Gee, isn't it lovely that the show's dragging itself through one
more marathonial season? It leaves the door open for more of our
blindingly intellectual contention.
Skull: Yeah, well you're damn lucky to have me back for eleven more
reviews. I have, like, an official publication career and stuff. I really don't
have time for such paltry rhetoric as this.
Aderyn: But you're happy to be back.
Skull: Oh, absolutely.

Overall, "Je Souhaite" granted our wishes in a very satisfactory manner.
There was, like, a genie and stuff. And, um, it wasn't "Fight Club".
And...and...well, it was just generally kewl. And, you know, it didn't make
us cringe, which is always a plus. And hey, Mulder and Scully are *so*
doin' it. So we'll see you next week, when Aderyn attempts to...

Aderyn: Whoa, whoa, hold it right there. You thought you'd snuck that
one past me, didn't you? Well, I'm way too smart for that. They are so
*not* doin' it.
Skull: <sniff> You never cut me a break. C'mon, just this once? This
could me my *very last review*, remember.
Aderyn: <impatient sigh> Oh, all right. Get on with it.

....hee hee...when Aderyn attempts to convince the entire abbey that
Mulder and Scully are copulating like hungover rhinocerii.

Aderyn: Hey!

Oookay...uh...oooh. Big club. Righto...b-b-bye now.

-end