Severed Review: "Hollywood A.D."
By Skullhead

"Hollywood A.D.", the latest in discharge from the fertile mind of David
"I'm so important that I'm dispensable" Duchovny, was a biting, fleshy
satire of "The X-Files" as we know it. Every deliciously toothsome line
was wrapped in an outer layer of black, silky significance, and every
instance of succulent humour was slyly displayed within an elastic, tight,
revealing view of the swelling prominence of Hollywood in today's
society. It was ecstasy. It was rapture. It was quite possibly the best
we've ever had.

Aderyn: Skull.
Skull: Umph.
Aderyn: You shouldn't be visiting sites like that. You're betraying the Order.
Skull: Go 'way...ooog. Loobababa...
Aderyn: You have to write an objective review here. You have to make it
clear that the episode sucked.
Skull: Sucked. Ooga...
Aderyn: I'm telling you for the last time. Step away from the Garry
Shandling porn sites. Now.
Skull: Oh, bugger off. It's therapeutic. But while we're on the subject, I
have to say that I really resent you portraying me this way. I'm never
going to hear the end of this particular fictional fetish.
Aderyn: Um. This is *your* review.
Skull: What? Oh. OH...oh, dear.
Aderyn: Here, do you need some crack?
Skull: Only if it's the kind Duchovny's on.
Aderyn: I don't think that's available to the general public.

This latest X-Fallic outing...

Aderyn: Ah?

This latest X-Fillic outing saw our favourite agents cruise to Hollywood,
sent by Skinner with orders of getting glam makeovers as a means of
gearing the FBI's image towards a more contemporary market.
While they were there, they found time to take a day tour of the Buffy
studio. While Mulder pocketed a few sets and plotlines, Scully spent most
of the excursion lamenting the fact that a bunch of somewhat prancy
teenagers were Getting more than she was. Deciding to remedy this as
quickly as possible, she led Mulder to Spike's coffin and had her wicked
way with him inside its lush interior.

Aderyn: You're being very irresponsible, you know. It's not honourable to
just make stuff up. We have an obligation as reviewers to portray the
episodic events in a reasonably accurate manner.
Skull: Stop lecturing me. You have some nerve -in fact,
you've been screwing me over since the beginning. Confess - you
sold the syndication rights of these reviews to the Tori Spelling
Fan Club, didn't you?
Aderyn: No, I never!
Skull: Yes you did. You know, my contract expires at the end of this
season, and yours extends for another one. I'll just walk out and let you
fend for yourself. Neener.
Aderyn: No. Do not go. I will miss you. You are
good. We need you here. <cough>
Skull: Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I shall stay with the organisation and
pitch in to create a high-quality, memorable final season with lots of
sappy goodbye commercials and a satisfyingly climactic ending.
Aderyn: There. See how easy that was?

A particularly memorable scene in the episode involved Mulder and
Scully sharing a bubble bath while chatting to each other on the phone.
Some eagle-eyed fans spotted Mulder's hand moving under the water, so
perhaps this could be classified as another instance of Scully getting lucky.

Aderyn: We can hope I guess. But why were they talking on the phone if
they were in the same bath?
Skull: I have a few theories on this...
Aderyn: <groan>
Skull: Apparently part of this episode took place in the past. So maybe
Present!Mulder was speaking with Present!Scully, and it was Past!Scully
in the bath.
Aderyn: Oh, okay, and I guess there was a time machine hidden in the
plughole?
Skull: That might explain the series' lack of continuity.
Aderyn: Yeah. Complete with suckage.

However contrived a device, the time travel vortex offered the opportunity
for a glimpse of BiblicalEra!Scully. It was a wonder to watch the Scully of
many moons ago as she solved crimes, ate mackerel on a Friday and
conversed in Aramaic. This sequence was slightly marred by the
supporting cast members who ruined the gritty realism with their glitzy
Hollywood demeanours. Nepotism has its place, but seeing CC flaunting
his surf board, Minnie Driver preening in the background, and Bonnie
Hunt delivering stand-up routines to the starving masses was just
distracting in this particular depiction of Biblical era Jerusalem.

Aderyn: Okay, I'll buy that Scully, CC, Bonnie Hunt and Minnie Driver
could have existed in Biblical times, but I can't freakin' believe that you're
trying to tell me that she was talking in Aramaic.
Skull: Oh, well maybe it was Arabic?
Aderyn: No, silly, it was Welsh.
Skull: Oh gawd, here we go.
Aderyn: Roedd hi'n siarad mewn Cymraeg, twpsyn. Os oeddwyn i'n
ysgrifennu'r adolygiad yma bydde dim siwd camgymeriadau. Fi yw'r in
sy'n gwybod popeth, a fi yw'r in sy'n haeddu'r canmoliaeth. PHNAR!
Skull: ... oh everything's so much clearer now. Thanks <cough>.

While waiting for a tour bus in L.A. after returning from the jaunt to
Jerusalem, Scully and that guy she hangs out with found time to
investigate a real-life X-File. Who would've thought that they actually *do*
happen on the West Coast? This week's mystery took place in one of the
friendly neighbourhood plastic surgery clinics, which was haunted by the
zombies of operations gone wrong. Seeing the zombie of Tori Spelling's
chest was terrifying. Seeing the zombie of Joan Rivers' nose was
horrifying. But the most frightening thing of all was when Mulder and
Scully succumbed to the zombies' spell, emerging with completely
different faces and bodies.

Aderyn: It was wrong, I tell you. So wrong. <sob>
Skull: <sniffle> I know. Scully couldn't even run properly anymore -
her heel implants got in the way.
Aderyn: And I didn't think anything could be worse than the Flowbee cut,
but Mr Curlyboy proved me wrong. Not to mention the love handles.
Skull: Oh, I don't know. I think he looked kind of se-
Aderyn: Can it. Right now.

As a reviewer I found it very touching when Scully, despite her horrific
disfiguration, decided to investigate the matter by autopsying the zombie
of Calista Flockhart's fat cells. Unfortunately, during this process she was
startled by the zombie of Ricky Martin's ass, and was so captivated by
this vision that she joined all the zombies in a dance to "Livin' the Vida
Loca" and managed to cut herself with a scalpel. She was very lucky that
the experience of intravenous Ricky Martin did not prove fatal.

A particularly moving scene occurred when Scully, troubled by this event,
visited a priest for guidance. In a poignant moment, he looked deep into
the soul of our saint and told her, "Consummata est".

Aderyn: Consummata est? What kind of weirdass language is THAT?
Skull: Latin?
Aderyn: No, it must have been Greek. Scully's been taking night classes
in it, apparently.
Skull: Nope. It was German.
Aderyn: Who told you that?
Skull: Fi.
Aderyn: Liar.
Skull: I'm going to ignore that. Think about it. What would consummata
est translate to in German?
Aderyn: How should I...oh. OH.
Skull: See? Even priests think those two just need to do it already.

After snacking on some tofurkey, sugar bears and Iranian chewing gum,
Scully felt ready to face the day once more. Upon leaving the priest she
discovered that mass was in progress, so she settled down to hear the
unnecessarily forceful sermon on gender issues. A little bored, she opted
instead to chat to a nearby nun, who introduced herself as Sister Mary
Spooky. In a somewhat contrived plot twist, the kindly nun told Scully of
plans for a contemporary romantic version of the bible, entitled "There's
Something About Mary Magdalene", which would focus heavily on the
gospel of David.

Aderyn: What's that? Insult thy provider?
Skull: Sue thy network?
Aderyn: Flaunt thy intelligence?
Skull: Wield thy pen with the intent of cultivating rumpy-pumpy betwixt the
blessed saint Scully and that punkly inclined mortal she in all her glory
sees fit to patronise?
Aderyn: <shrug> Works for me.

There was some concern prior to the airing of this episode that it would
be Duchovny-centric. These claims seemed justified when we learned
that DD had roped in his buddies, wife, kid, neighbours, third-cousin
(twice-removed), masseuse, some guys he met on the street that morning,
and a mole he once had removed, to hang out with him on set. They
gave up their free time to play pivotal roles both behind and in front of the
camera. It may indeed be the case that there was a teensy bit of
nepotism in some of these hiring choices, but it was nice to see him
selflessly saving costs this way for 1013. It was even better when we
viewed Scully, no doubt bored with all those DD sycophants, take some
time out to go shopping with a "borrowed" FBI credit card.

Aderyn: Go girl. Retail therapy rocks - especially when the card is in
someone else's name.
Skull: <sniffle> I'm so goddamn proud of Our Saint sometimes.
Aderyn: So, what did she buy anyway? Some nice new shirts?
Skull: It seems the card was maxed out - she only had enough money for
a band aid.
Aderyn: Jeez, who'd been cranking up the bill?
Skull: Apparently it was some crazed nuns trying to buy pillowcases on
the internet.
Aderyn: <sigh> I don't know what the world's coming to.

Overall "Hollywood A.D.", while not *quite* a literary masterpiece, was
goddamn funny. It was plotless, but it was funny. In spite of the title it was
all but Skinnerless, but it was funny. And um...Bonnie Hunt's funny too.

As the lights went down in the theatre, the episode, and the originality of
1013, we were treated to a touching scene of human devotion. Mulder
and Scully, gently holding hands as they watched the giant screen
featuring Krycek's three-foot ass, decided that they'd had enough of
freaking DAL and opted instead to go at it like rabid weasels in the aisle.
Pulses speeded up as Mulder ripped Scully's cutesy headband from her
fiery tresses and Scully, with symbolic phallicism, frantically tugged at
Mulder's tasteless tie...

Aderyn: Hey! HEY! Stop that!

[Skull wipes the sweat from her brow]

Skull: <shaky breath> Sorry. I got, erm, a little carried away.
Aderyn: A *little* carried away?! Good lord woman, we're going to have to
start drugging you intravenously soon.
Skull: Oooh.
Aderyn: Now, you go and take a cold shower and have a nice lie down.
I'll finish this off for you.
Skull: <whimper> 'k.

Hollywood A.D. was an episode written and directed by David Duchovny.

-end