Severed Review: "The Goldberg Variation"
By Aderyn

The sixth outing of the season found our favourite duo chancing, ducking
and diving in Chicago -- the city whose only previous claim to fame was
having a population that suffered from terrible wind and an ungainly
predisposition for big shoulders. Residing in this city was one Henry
Weems, the protagonist of the episode. He was inflicted with that most
terrible of conditions, luck. Living as he did in this urban nightmare -- a
city where recalcitrant cows, bear cubs, the odd mobster and a boxing
kangaroo roamed the streets leaving untold havoc in their wake -- he
needed all the luck he could get.

Skull: Hey. Ahem. Excuse me?
Aderyn: What do you want?
Skull: Before you get going I just wanted to share something with
the class. Is that all right?
Aderyn: OMG. You're asking per... permission? <gulp> Please,
go ahead.
Skull: I was just thinking that Chicago was named thusly by early
settlers because some CHICK did A GO for it there with her partner. Or
was it an acronym? "Coupla'-Horny-Investigators-Consummate..." Why
are you looking at me like that? Oh right. You're trying to write a review.
Gotcha. Won't happen again. Prob'ly.

Scully and her partner followed the Weems trail to Goldbergs, a glitzy
games emporium. Whimsical contraptions, card games, kangaroo
wrestling and Mousetrap amused the duo for a few minutes, after which
they found other ways to entertain each other. While they were
otherwise occupied, poor Henry got embroiled in all sorts of difficulties,
culminating in him being thrown from a skyscraper (a fall from which of
course he survived.) The games had begun; a random chain of events
leading the viewer on a roller-coaster ride of cause and effect.

Skull: Um, with all due respect... are you aware that you've
started to sound like a movie trailer?
Aderyn: Really? What movie?
Skull: Nothing good. Probably one of those goddamn awful
Christmas movies they've started to put on TV.
Aderyn: <sniffle> Oh.

Weems proved to be a secondary character worthy of much sympathy -- a
loser with a philanthropic conscience. A man who just wanted to help out
his friend in need, little poorly Richie who'd been given the Tooms
treatment and needed a new liver. But however interesting Weems became
during the course of the episode, the focus of much ardent speculation
fell instead onto Little Miss Luck herself, Dana Scully.

Skull: I really don't think you should class Scully as "lucky."
Aderyn: Come on, she gets *so* lucky all the time in this
episode.
Skull: Wait a minute... what did you just say?
Aderyn: Scully and Mulder are doin' it, all the time, in every way.
Skull: No, you can't say that. You almost killed me over this issue
two weeks ago; I've got the fractures to prove it! Revise your last
sentence immediately. Deny all existence of ugly bumping. NOW.
Aderyn: Bleep off. This is *my* review.
Skull: NO! You're going to completely ruin the dramatic tension
we've been so carefully cultivating over the past two reviews. I'm the
Shipper; you're the foolish Fencesitter. Remember?
Aderyn: Yeah well, I've changed my mind. Neener.
Skull: What about the reviewinuity? Certain list members are
actually reading these senseless tomes; we've got to give them a
coherency. The logical sequence of events would have you denying the
existence of the commercial & between the scenes rumpy-pumpy, not
celebrating its existence. You're going to tame our reviews -- where will
the bite and caustic debate come from now?
Aderyn: Please! They've been raised on Carter; this will be
painless for them. Besides, my initial reluctance to accept the blink-and-
you'll-miss-it bonk theory was that Scully could do better, and that it
would be beyond dull. But after what I've read this week I've completely
revised my opinion -- the levels of deviancy involved have piqued my
interest. I'm re-invested in The Relationship.
Skull: Really? Deviancy? Were Reade's reins involved at any
time?

There has been much debate over the years as to XF's role in contributing
towards re-defining gender roles on prime time television, as it seems to
invert traditional male / female characterisations (the rational, scientific,
logical male as opposed to the more intuitive, instinctual female of the
species.) These roles are often flipped in XF as we get Scully, the
rational, kick-ass scientific babe as opposed to Mulder the hot-headed
estrogenated illogical goofball.

The recently consummated Relationship offered the opportunity to explore
a new facet of this hotly debated issue. CC and his merry band of
Relationship detractors had for years argued that a Relationship between
S&M ...

Skull: Ahem.

... a Relationship between M&S would domesticise the show. In a
clever double bluffer "The Goldberg Variation" gave us domesticity with a
twist, as Scully set Mulder to work on little household chores. In a role
play reversal that had Abbey residents reaching for the towels, Scully
persuaded the punk to change clothes so that he bore some
resemblance to the more macho Super Mario, while she tweaked and
floofed her hair into a Marge Simpsonesque bouffant, and donned a
housecoat.

Skull: Kinky.
Aderyn: I told you.

While the FBI's most troublesome twosome were getting their kicks out of
dress-up erm. . . activities, poor Henry was being chased around
Chicago by a hit man, mobsters, and that damned cow.

Skull: Don't forget the chooks and the kangaroo.
Aderyn: Geez, you can tell that this is a Jeff Bell ep'.
Skull: It's all about the animals. It's a pity that he couldn't
squeeze a few rabid dogs into the cast ain't it?

Character development continued unabated over at Goldberg's place as
we got to see Scully put Mulder through his paces. The punk, who was
exhausted by all the exercise he'd been getting recently, was failing
miserably to show competency at *any* domestic chores. The poor dear
fell through the kitchen floor as he was inspecting someone's plumbing,
electrocuted himself (causing his hair to stand up every which way), and
plunged the city into darkness as he attempted to do some ironing.

Skull: Ooooh, did he leave burn marks on the dread white shirt?
Aderyn: Sadly no... but after the power went out, they found an
alternative usage for the ironing board.
Skull: Oh, no no... that one's going to keep me awake tonight.

In a pleasing piece of episodic resolution, occurrences at Goldbergs of
course managed to secure events in other people's lives. As a
dishevelled, post-coital Mulder and Scully staggered out of the building
they stumbled into the path of Henry Weems, being chased by the
mobsters, the cow, chickens, the kangaroo and a hitman. A fracas of
cataclysmic proportions followed, during which the kangaroo wrestled the
chickens, someone gouged out an eye, a mobster's life was lost, and a
liver was extracted.

Skull: Didn't Mulder get shot?
Aderyn: I think so.
Skull: Did he die?
Aderyn: <shrug> Who cares, right?
Skull: I guess. This is a Scully list after all.

The coda of this fine Goldberg variation saw Scully and Mulder reach their
QED.

Skull: Quod Erat Demonstrandum?
Aderyn: No it means that they'd reached their "Quotient of Erotic
Deviancy."
Skull: Oh. Yeah, I agree, these two kids need to slow down a
little. Next week on the XXX-Files <yawn>.
Aderyn: ...zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzz...
Skull: Hey, wake up. Finish this review, you can sleep for three
weeks once this is done.

Weems' lucky streak eventually restored a soothing equilibrium to all.
The Kangaroo carried the chooks back to the wrestling ring in its pock...
erm, pouch, and someone probably shot the freakin' cow. Best of all little
Richie was saved by a mobster's liver, a frolicking pair of agents, and
inadvertently by a fortunate Henry.

And so, Mulder and Scully flew back to DC, sore but happy; while in
another reality Mandy flew back from Russia and neared the gates of the
OBSSE Abbey. And as the last bulb flickered, and blew out over yet
another hospital scene, Abbey residents extinguished the last candles
that had bathed their listserv.oit.unc.edu cells with a soft amber glow. The
final pieces of the puzzle slotted effortlessly into place, and peace was
restored to all...

Skull: Awww... I wuv da world.

Peace was restored to all, until the next new episode of The X-Files when
all sorts of heinous acts, and evil miscreants will be sure to unsettle the
balance, and tip many an Abbey member, and our favourite characters
into a hell pit of insanity. . . Oh yeah, while I remember: Happy Holidays
to you all.

--end