Severed Review:"Existence

Severed Review: "Existence"
By Skullhead

Existence. How can a humble reviewer pen a tome that accurately reflects The
Greatest Truth of All, The Essence of Mankind (oh wait, that was last week), the
Key to Our Existence, The Penultimate Episode of The X-Files As We Know It,
The Answer to All the Questions You've Asked Again and Again and Again and For
Which You Have Received Not Even the Smallest Acknowledgement or
Vindication, The Episode With the Most Wonderful and Amazing and/or Most
Puerile and Pathetic Ending in the History of TV? How, indeed? How? I ask you,
how?

Aderyn: You done with your capitalisation exercise yet?
Skull: <sniff> Yes.
Aderyn: What about your rhetorical question drill?
Skull: They weren't rhetorical. I'm asking you, how do I write this review?
Aderyn: You're asking *me*?
Skull: Yes, I'm asking you.
Aderyn: That was a rhetorical question, dear. <snicker>

The word on the street is that our dear friend CC has finally figured out how to
incorporate mystery, suspense, schmoop, and hair into one episode of finale
goodness. He appears to have taken to heart the advice "less is more", and opted
to present a shorter episode than normal, with the emphasis on quality rather than
quantity. While I think he has the right idea, perhaps our surfer boy could expand
his brainwave a bit and make his quality moments last for just a leetle longer.
However wonderful they may be, two minutes are still just two minutes, and while
this may be enough for some girls, I like my episodes a bit lengthier.

Aderyn: Oh, I don't know. It saves people having to fast-forward their way through
the other 39 minutes of filler.
Skull: True, but I *miss* that quality fast-forwarding time. My remote and I need
time to bond.
Aderyn: I'm not sure why, but my TMI radar appears to have discovered a new
frequency.

Christ symbolism abounded in this episode. Not only was the blue-and-white-robe-
clad Virgin Scully giving birth to a miracle child in a cold barn, but Mulder was
following the Spaceship in the East to save her from...from
thealiensfromouterspacebutlet'snottalkaboutthatpart.
And the Three Geeky Men brought gifts of Mould, Yank-In-Fence and Fur. And
animal sounds abounded in the barn, thanks to the Mystical Midwife Moronica, who
appears in some obscure versions of the Christian legend. Who would have
thought that whales were actually present in the stable? Maybe the Virgin Mary
actually had a water birth.

Aderyn: All paths lead back to the goldfish.
sCuLlie: I think it's time for a little methodological ground-clearing...
Skull: Watch out, Ms MENSA's about.

However, there was one significant flaw in the X-Files Parallels the Christian World
project. The Sculder baby turned out to be not an alien, not a hamster, not a horse,
not the Saviour of Mankind, but just an ordinary little squalling poopy baby called
William. Something's not right here. NOBODY is normal on XF. Mulder has an alien
brain, Scully's just given birth to a biologically impossible child, CSM has an
abnormally strong constitution for somebody who smokes like a chimney, Skinner
has nanobot thingies in his bloodstream, Krycek has one arm, Doggett's ears stick
out, Moronica makes whale sounds, the Lone Gunmen are freaks, and all the other
characters are extraterrestrial. There is no way in hell the Sculder baby is normal.
There must be a SIGN that we missed somewhere along the way. Somewhere
down the road, Scully will notice that Will's poop is green. Or that his skin is bubbly.
Or that he keeps morphing into a squirrel. Or that he just decapitated Mulder.

Aderyn: I would watch that episode.
Skull: Except they couldn't use the real Mulder, cuz Duchovny is never
coming back EVER AGAIN, nee-ner, nee-ner, he's all do-one.

Despite these meaningless trivalities about the meaning of life etc,
the issue of real importance in this episode came at the end. Mulder
and Scully kissed. They kissed ON THE MOUTH. They played tonsil hockey.
They swapped saliva. They tongue wrestled.

Aderyn: Yeah, but in a platonic way.
Skull: Oh, please.
Aderyn: Well, it still doesn't mean that they had sex.
Skull: Come ON! Mulder basically says "I think we both know how that
there young 'un found its way into your barren uterus." And Scully says
"Duh, how?" And then Mulder plants one on her. How much clearer can you get?!
Aderyn: That was just more manipulation. Those two ain't never danced
the horizontal mambo. 'Sides, Scully's totally a virgin.
Skull: Okay, fine. What about the scene where Mulder and Scully get
naked and fall into bed in a passionate embrace, and Scully says "Gee,
this reminds me of the time we made wild monkey love and conceived our
miracle baby"?
Aderyn: She was kidding.
Skull: You-
sCulLie: Excuse me. If the "woman" is fiction, a locus of pure difference and
logocentric power, then -
Aderyn: Huh?

A hot topic of conversation after this episode is what Mulder will do with himself
now that he's been kicked out of the show.

Aderyn: Well-
Skull: No, you're not going to go down that particular road today. Sorry.

Some speculate that our friend Foxy will explore the alien porn industry. Others
believe that he'll start writing novels along the lines of "How To Waste Your Life By
Pursuing a Celestial Sibling, Now With 20% More Angst!" But my favourite scenario
is still that of Mom!Mulder. There are just so many possibilities - just imagine
Mulder childproofing all the electric sockets so that no chubby fingers will insert
plams into them. And it sure opens up a whole new line of options for the X-Files
movies. I can hear the promos now - "Mulder and Scully embark on a desperate
search to rescue their missing child in The X Files II: Free Willy!"

Despite the hotmonkeylurve merits of this episode, in my opinion it was slightly
flawed by a minor subplot involving aliens and stuff. Imagine the viewers' rapt
attention when it was revealed that a new breed of aliens had been discovered! Oh
my! It's a bit like discovering new dinosaurs. I mean, THEY'RE DEAD. Let them
freakin' rest in piece and quit digging up their bones. All interest in both aliens and
dinosaurs has GONE, Chris. Understand? And I for one have had just about
enough of anything involving Scully and torture in the same context.

Aderyn: And starlight. Starlight, star bright, I don't give a crap tonight.
Skull: And the Syndicate. What more do they have to say "my GOD" about? Soon
they'll be moving to Florida and wearing white socks pulled up to the knees. And
playing lawn bowls.
Aderyn: Hey Chuck, 'member when we were just young 'uns and we tried to
populate the earth with alien-human hybrids? Those were the good ol' days, right?
Young people today just don't 'preciate how hard we worked.

An unexpected, but most welcome, element in this episode was that of slash
subtext. Moronica, known for her timing in such matters, felt the need to jump
Scully when she was right in the middle of having her perfectly normal baby (who
was conceived via perfectly normal human sperm). Though this met with derision in
many circles, I think we should cut the dear Agent Reyes a break. After all, she was
staring at Scully's hoo-hoo. Who can blame the poor dear for being a bit
overcome?

Any doubts as to Reyes' sexuality were laid to rest when we were treated to a
glimpse of her license plate: "LZBIEN". (Aside to WLK: You're getting ahead in life.)
One can only imagine what sort of license plates the other characters might have.
Perhaps Mulder's would be "HAZBEEN", or "MR MOM", or the poetically simple
"ASSHOLE". And Krycek's, dear sweet pretty Krycek's, would read "DED". That's
right folks, the nice young Russian lad has been summoned to his long home. And
they messed up his lovely face. Sounds a lot like an R. L. Stine novel to me. Either
that or poetic injustice.

If this episode achieved nothing else, it certainly alerted the public to a conspiracy:
that the American government is attempting to populate the world with people
called William. I mean, we've got William Scully, William Mulder, Bill Scully, Billy
Miles, and now William Scully-Mulder, and that's only a small cross-section of the
population. One can hardly blame Mulder for being a bit confused as to who the
baby was named after - he had quite the lineup to choose from.

Aderyn: I would have picked William the Conqueror, cuz it's symbolic and stuff. Or
maybe William Shatner, coz it's funny.
Skull: Or Prince William, cuz he's spunky.
Aderyn: Or William Shakespeare, to make Chris look all cultural with an obscure
literary reference.
Skull: Or, duh, William of William and Mary.
Aderyn: Or Spike.
Skull: Mmmm, Spike.

And speaking of Billy Miles (well, I mentioned him anyway), he's an alien. A new
one. The kind that take showers. Personally I think it would be of great benefit if
Chris and Co could organise some new merchandise for the fans: The Alien Variety
Fun Pack, just to get all those pesky little critters straight. It would also help to
prevent racism among the viewers - "not all aliens are bad, kids. There are good
aliens too, and they're just like you and me. Well, not so much like me, but a lot like
you. Just because they look different, and their blood is a different colour from ours,
it doesn't mean they're bad." This interracial harmony could even lead to a new way
of life; we could all share the earth and live together as one. They swipe our eggs,
we sell theirs in the supermarket. We plam their necks, they strangle us with our
own intestines. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

sCuLlie: You might like to become acquainted with the fact that the somewhat
juvenile phrase you just used has its origins in the ancient culinary arts of
Reticulum, when citrus juice was used to extract screams of unimaginable pain
from the enemies of the state, through its use with the oracular cavity; a tradition
that stands us in good stead today.
Skull: I think I like her.

But all this extraterrestrial junk is, as I believe I have previously stated, crap. The
main thing is that the season ended with Mulder and Scully holding poopy William
and smooching non-platonically. There was peace in XF land. Can the same be
said for the world of the Severed Reviews? Will we leave you with a feeling of
gladness in your heart and harmony in your soul?

Aderyn: Hell no!

Dear readers (there are people still reading, right?), some things never change.
Duchovnys may come and go (probably come). Carters may continue to plunder
the depths of mediocratic assholism. And XF may descend into the annals of
crappy television for evermore. But even as the world becomes unrecognisable and
upside down, there is one thing that has remained the same. We are the Severed
Reviewers, and we told you loads of crap. Even when the show was falling apart,
we were your constant, your touchstone.

Aderyn: That's a load of codswallop.
Skull: I'm trying to do a schmoopy ending here. Gimme a break.

We may take up our weapons again next season for the occasional cameo review,
but this is the last super-official-type Severed Review (and true to form, it's like two
months late or something.) It's been fun. Thanks for the inspiration.

Oh yeah, and Scully's hair looked GREAT.

-end