Severed Review: "Essence"
By Aderyn

If "Essence" had an essence it would probably be the equivalent of the
kind of stench that permeates from a slice of rancid Cheerwine Cake that
has lain undiscovered and squished behind the sofa after a
misdemeanour involving a catapult, a balled up sock, and a ...but that's
enough about my sad social life. In simpler, less olfactory-focused terms,
"Essence" was a pretty poor outing of the X-Files, but because it featured
a schmaltzy baby shower and was graced by the presence of Ma Scully it
is worth a glance through Aderyn-vision. Pinch your noses, and let me
take you on this, my final reviewing journey through the eighth Season of
Our Saint.

Skull: The torture is almost over.
Aderyn: The bickering almost at an end. A peaceful and satisfying
conclusion lies within our grasp. A new-found friendship based on mutual
respect and ...

[Skull loads up the Backfiring Pistol]

Skull: I doubt that, Wench.

[Aderyn swings The Club menacingly in retaliation]

Aderyn: Yeah you're right. I so need to kick your ass one last time. Down
with the schmoop, bring on the Schit-scheming schurrilousness.
Schkull: Schure, SCHUCKER!

Truth be told (and we've waited long enough to hear it), this ep had little
to do with odours, and was more focused on opthalmic treasures, as the
myopic characters eyed each other up one last time before the inevitably
chaotic finale. Spectacle wearers far and wide must have squinted with
empathic joy as they viewed Doggett zoom in on Mulder's pert buttocks
thinking they were two manly basketballs, and as Krycek mistook
Skinner's pecker for a dangerous weapon in the FBI elevator. Awwww.
An unusual and pleasing foray by The X-Files into public health
announcements. Get thine eyes tested, or end up in an unfortunate clinch
with co-workers.

Skull: I'm almost embarrassed to be in the same bandwidth space as
you. Does slashtacular subtext mean anything to you? Do the lusty
leanings of those buff boys not make you secrete drool? Not only do
YOU need new glasses, you need a new cerebral cortex to go with them.
Oh, and your hair could do with some highlights too.
Aderyn: I can't believe you're insulting my hair ALREADY, you Season
Two tressled Scullywannabe.
Skull: Now THAT was fighting talk. Season Two Hair! Pah!!

If this ep had a point, which is debatable, it was surely to tease viewers
one last time with a hefty spoonful of will-they-won't-they, did-they-didn't-
they, who-gives-a-crapity? Let's-all hoppity-skippity. To secure the
pantomime in this premise, much of "Essence" featured a very-preggo
Scully staring wistfully at her large tummy, scratching her head as if to
say "how did that get there?" Ah, Our Saint might by a Medical Doctor,
but she obviously needs a little reminding of OBGYN 101: the birds and
the bees.

Skull: Dear Scully, see that bucking pair of dogs over there that look as if
they got stuck whilst playing leapfrog? That's what you did with Mulder.
Remember?
Aderyn: Dana Dearest, I know you're wondering how you got so fat, and
I'm here to tell you that you didn't eat all the buns, you've just got one in
the oven.
Skull: Dearest Saint of mine, see that stork flying over our heads carrying
that little bundle of joy betwixt its beak? Well that's NOT how babies are
delivered to their mothers.
Aderyn: Pity.

The only possible reading of Scully's behaviour in this ep may come as
something of a blow to delusional fanatics (aka Shippers). It's impossible
to reach any other conclusion than the fact that Our Saint is hymenally
intact, and has a pillow stuffed up her jerkin to manifest some kind of
phantom-pregnancy - in a poignant virginal-angst kind of way. AND
WHILE I REMEMBER, SHE WAS WEARING PANTYHOSE WHEN SHE
MET TED DANSON, AND THEREFORE CANNOT POSSIBLY HAVE
EVER HAD SEX. NYAH.

Skull: Don't tell me, SkUlly is also a MuRderEr and a fAt uGlie cow?
Aderyn: You mind-reader, you!
Skull: Okay, I'm going to do this one time, and one time only...

[Skull flies around the world backwards *really fast*, and turns back
time before Sparky makes a house call]

Skull: What illuminating thing were you just saying about Scully's
behaviour?

The only possible reading of Scully's behaviour in this ep may come as
something of a blow to delusional fanatics (aka NoRoMos), who like their
Ships dried up on some old craggy rock. In "Essence" The Ship was
lubricated, so to speak, and strode elegantly through the waters of
Carter-tease. What a graceful conclusion to eight years of libidinous
gameplay as Scully's coy tummy-rub signified that Mulder had jumped
her bones back when all kinky things were happening in the bedroom.
Roawrrrr. The whole shipperific shebang was slightly marred by the fact
that Mulder couldn't get near his sweetheart for an affectionate grope,
The Stomach of Scully being a significant obstacle to cross.

Skull: They should have utilised a special device to assist with this, me
thinks.
Aderyn: Yeah, they put liddle Gillian on a box for all those smoochy
scenes, so why not strap David into a harness and tilt him over The
Bump, and towards her luscious lips.
Skull: Or they could put him in a canon across the studio and shoot him
towards his lovely target.
Aderyn: Or maybe they could decapitate him for a little while for those
close-up shots, and then reattach his head to his body when they're
done. Wasn't Billy Miles lopping heads off left, right and centre in this ep?
He could have helped out! And, you know, I hear that they're made huge
advances in reconstructive surgery recently. All you need to do is
squeeze copious amounts of glue everywhere and bridge the two
components with a matchstick. Just ask my Mulder PI, he's feeling mighty
fine after the surgery I recently performed on him.
Skull: Is that what they're calling it these days?

Penultimate episodes are notoriously perilous affairs, and "Essence"
plummeted into somewhat desperate territory as it held the first ever
Baby Shower to grace XF. There's a reason that these events are usually
left to daytime soap harlots and deranged inmates in Correctional
Facilities. Baby Showers are just WRONG - and extra-strength wrong
when the baby being showered is, in all likelihood, an Alien Hybrid.

Skull: Yeah, totally. I mean, everyone knows that babies should be
bathed. Especially the alien ones.
Aderyn: And I don't understand why the gestating baby always receives
clothes at the shower. Wouldn't they get wet?
Skull: Yeah, and blankets too! Hey, let's give baby a wet blanket! Hee!
Aderyn: You're so milking this joke for a lot more than it's worth.
Skull: But I thought it was the baby who-
Aderyn: And don't you dare make a joke about babies and milk.
Skull: Aw, bugger. <sulk>

The gossipy pre-amble to this ep featured a frantic fanfare of celebration
when it was announced that Ma Scully was to return. The less-than-
satisfactory reality of dear ol' Ma back in the show should serve as a
lesson to us all. She who don't call her mother for three freakin' years will
have her comeuppance when said mother turns up to a baby shower,
only to have apparently transmogrified into a pill-pushing dealer. Sniff.

Yes, the biggest shocker in the history of XF (and that's saying
something, if you cast your minds back to some of the CHarc disasters
that have befallen Our Saint) occurred when Ma and her weasely rent-a-
pals turned up on Scully's doorstep. It was difficult to decide which was
the more atrocious and devastating factor - that they were wearing
suburban chic pastel knockoffs, or that they were pushing industrial
quantities of eeeeevil drugs onto a hapless Scully. Oh, how the mighty
have fallen.

Skull: Well, at least those pill-pushing-rent-a-pals got Scully lots of kewl
gifts for the baby.
Aderyn: Yeah, <eyeroll> poor Sculder's going to be really popular down
at the FBI creche with all those naff dollies.
Skull: Talking of naff dollies, what's that you're making over there?
Aderyn: Oh, this is my new creation - she's called sCuLlie.
Skull: She's, um, ah, um... bizarre looking.
Aderyn: Yeah, I modelled her on you.
Skull: Oh yeah? Well the stuffing she's got for brains is certainly derived
from your EMPTY cranium.
sCuLlie: Hey!
Aderyn: Oh gawd, she's alive. Oopsie.
Skull: GREAT. That's just Grrrrrrrrreat.

[Skull attempts to shoot Aderyn with the Backfiring Pistol]

Skull: OUCH!
sCuLlie: If I may, I would like to interject with a sobering yet necessary
kernel of wisdom. I have observed that your juvenile behaviour seems to
signify an interesting, yet baffingly deranged form of attention-seeking.
Your orchestrated bickering seems deliberately doomed to fail, thus
increasing your chances of gaining the attention you seek so desperately.
Just the other day my MENSA group and I were discussing . . .
Aderyn: <quiver> what kind of…of…MONSTER have I created? <sob>

If the Baby Shower scenes did one thing right, it was to introduce us to
some interesting characters who purported to be Scully's "friends". The
mere notion of such people surely sent a shiver of nightmarish
proportions down the spines of those who care, for Scully, OUR SCULLY
has no friends. Dana-no-mates' new-found kinship with a lassie named
Lizzie was perhaps the single most bemusing aspect. Pre Season Eight
Scully would surely have been suspicious of the fact that the woman had
a pair of gills on her neck, a scaly orange skin, and big goggle eyes.

Skull: Yeah, and you'd think that her internal radar would have bleeped a
warning when Lizzie started to yodel "A spoonful of sugar makes the
illegal, and harmful substances go down. Mwahaaaa" at the top of her
lungs as she popped some pills into Scully's mouth.
Aderyn: Mutant Goldfish Lizzie Poppins (probably an overgrown reject
from Mulders fishtank - you heard it here first, folks). I'm eternally grateful
we didn't see what she had hidden in her nanny-issue carpet bag.

It is somewhat lamentable that kickass Scully didn't make an appearance
during "Essence". We saw scene after scene of her sitting - which is not
to say that Gillian doesn’t SIT and DO NOTHING impeccably. However
lounging around vacantly doesn't quite pack the televisual punch of
watching a full-term pregnant woman cartwheel around the set while
shoulder-shooting undesirables. What a woefully wasted opportunity.

Skull: Absolutely. At the very least they could have had her throw a
coupla high-kicks during that baby shower. That would have taught Fishy
Gill Lizzie a lesson. . . or scared her to death.
sCuLlie: At this point I believe it would be pertinent to discuss the fact
that the "kickass" construction of the subject proceeds with certain
legtitimating and exclusionary aims, and those. . .
Aderyn: <sob> Where did I <sniffle> go so wrong? My baby's a
LUNATIC!

There's always a moment in each episode of XF which unleashes the
inner-shipper in the most ardently apathetic of viewers. Mulder hearts
Scully, and after eight dysfunctional years he decided to tell her just how
important she was to him. It's worth repeating his punkly tribute here for
posterity: "This isn't about the X-Files, Scully, it's about *you*... except
for the twenty three hours, fifty nine minutes and fifty five seconds of
every day, when it is, of course, about ME."

Skull: I don't think I've ever heard a more heartfelt statement of lurve.
Aderyn: Maybe Mulder should look into a career writing for Hallmark
cards now that he's unemployed.
Skull: Ow.

There's hope that next week's ep will improve on the unsure ground that
"Essence" has sowed. Knowing CC's track record, and philedom's
gracious acceptance of The Creator's every whim - our every wish is sure
to be granted. Really. I'm serious. Tune in to your email account for all
the latest Severed banter - will Skull's hair still resemble a Season Two
cut? Will Scully give birth to a gaggle of bug-eyed alien hybrids? Will
Skinner's pecker still be considered dangerous? Will sCuLlie shut her big
kernel-a-wisdom spouting mouth? Will I ever learn to finish a review in an
original way? . . . nah, not likely. ;)

-end.