Good news, everyone - the boys at 1013 are finally listening to the fans.
At long last they've given us what we've longed for, begged for, yearned
for, for seven excessively drawn out years. At last we've been given
resolution to the tantalising question we've all been asking, especially
during this past season. It's over, everyone. There will be no more
wondering, no more agonising speculation. The truth has been
revealed...yes, Scully *does* talk to her boobs.

Aderyn: But the real question is, do they talk back?
Skull: Well, see I have a theory that Mulder and Skinner are actually just
the human incarnations of Scully's breasts.
Aderyn: Interesting. I know this is my cue to make a deprecating
comment, but that actually works for me.
Skull: Yep. It's All About The Boobs, everyone.
Aderyn: That would be a good title for the season finale.
Skull: Or what about Mam Ari?

This week's titillating ep saw the master of extraterrestrial conspiracies
and dialogue, Chuckie Spender, become intrigued by the odd smudge on
his surveillance cameras, and accordingly decide to investigate this
bizarre phenomenon. Upon discovering that the smudge had breasts, he
realised that he had loved her all his life. The remainder of the episode
was devoted to Chuckie's newfound quest - to hire Our Lady of the B-
Cup as the C.E.O. of his new lingerie company, Co-Bra. She was the
perfect candidate: not only did she have an expansive knowledge of
mammary bags, but her plans for the future of pantyhose would surely
revolutionise the industry.

Aderyn: You know Skull, there was more to this episode than breasts.
Skull: Really? Like what?
Aderyn: Like um...dresses. And jammies.
Skull: Which revealed...?
Aderyn: Well, breasts, but that's incidental.
Skull: Riiight.
Aderyn: Wasn't there something about a wire?
Skull: An underwire? Sure. Can't have a push-up bra without it.
Aderyn: A disk?
Skull: Well-endowed women have been known to *tape* down their
boobs. CD's are only a step behind, I guess.
Aderyn: A cure for cancer?
Skull: Every woman should check her breasts regularly.
Aderyn: Hmmm. You may be right about this.
Skull: As always.
Aderyn: As always when it's *your* review. It's amazing how our
personalities shuffle around when it's my turn.
Skull: I could probably sue you for that.
Aderyn: Not in this lifetime. I'd just fatally injure you with one of the
weapons. I'm manufacturing some copies of The Club as we speak. See?
Check out all my carving equipment.
Skull: That knife is, uh, big. Erm, okay, stop interrupting my review. Please.

Chuckie, displaying an unusual degree of intelligence, managed to lure
Scully into his clutches by appealing to her compassion and fashion
sense; when he revealed his plaid pyjamas to the silk-loving eyes of our
saint, she simply could not bring herself to walk away. Oh, and there was
something about the key to saving the world, but tragically this evaded
Scully's grasp as she gave it to Mulder by mistake, believing it was a
spare key to her apartment. Dang.

Aderyn: So what happened to the key?
Skull: Mulder gave it to Scully's landlord.
Aderyn: Think he'll keep trying it in different locks until he inadvertently
unlocks the secrets of the universe?
Skull: I didn't know Scully had a chastity belt.
Aderyn: Funny. Anyway, the pyjamas were tartan.
Skull: Tartan (adj): Of or pertaining to a tart.
Aderyn: Tarts don't wear plaid.
Skull: Don't be such a tartar.
Aderyn: Oh, so I'm a sauce now?
Skull: Don't be offended. In some cultures that's a condi...er, compliment.

As a reviewer, I greatly enjoyed the plot twist that saw Chuckie hand
Scully a nicely wrapped gift labelled "Cure for Cancer", which, when
opened, revealed an unlabelled CD. Running to the bathroom and
inserting the disk into the stereo system cleverly concealed within her
bra, Scully waited in anticipation for, perhaps, top-secret alien
transmissions? An encoded recording of vital medical information? A
song about wearing sunscreen? But it was not to be. Imagine Scully's
disappointment when the CD turned out to be that of ABBA Gold.

Aderyn: Ooh, I love that CD! It's so Scullycentric, and offers a very
interesting perspective on the BreastFest that is XF. Just listen to the
track listing: "Super Hooter", "Mammary Mia", "The underwire takes it all",
"Thank you for the cleavage"...
Skull: Maybe ABBA stands for Scully's oscillating cup size?
Aderyn: I guess so. Although from what I've read this week, I've gathered
she seems to have bypassed B and moved into the CDDC category.

As much of a let-down as this gift was (for most people), it was later
revealed to have a far greater significance than was first evident.
Apparently the strains of "Prancing Queen" have the power to make
malignant cells go scurrying back into their places in terror, bringing
about a remission of the cancer - and this, of course, is exactly the same
thing as a cure, just like the sun is exactly the same thing as a drought.
Scully was so thrilled by this news that she consented to attend a
karaoke evening at the local consortium hangout, where her breasts,
equipped with their own little microphone, gave a stunning performance
of "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (a man after midnight)", accompanied by a
striptease.

Aderyn: You haven't mentioned her hair yet. How was the hair? Huh?
Huh?
Skull: Um...I dunno. Her breasts seemed to overshadow it.
Aderyn: She must have a *fabulous* push-up bra.
Skull: Yeah, yeah. It was *so* obvious you were going to say that.
Aderyn: Whatever. Seriously though, I really need to know about her hair.
Skull: Why? Don't tell me you're finally breaking down and getting the
Scullycut.
Aderyn: Good lord no. That's for prancy losers like you.
Skull: What a relief. Hey...what's that you're making? I don't remember
The Club involving quite so much rayon.
Aderyn: <hiding her work> Nuthin'.
Skull: What's that sewing machine for? And are those...sequins?!
Aderyn: No! No, of course not.

[Aderyn frantically covers her equipment with a blanket]

Skull: They were sequins. I know they were.
Aderyn: Were not.
Skull: Were too.
Aderyn: Were not. Now shut your mouth and review - that knife is still
around here somewhere.
Skull: All right. But I *will* uncover your evil plan, even if it's the last thing I do.
Aderyn: Funny you should say that.

One of the strongest scenes of the episode was the dinner scene, where
Chuckie cleverly manipulated Scully's breasts into revealing not only their
names (Rania and Leslie, incidentally), but also Scully's dress size. After
checking in Mulder's closet for confirmation, Chuckie hauled out his
sewing machine and industriously stitched away until he had created a
stunning dress (*sans* sequins) from an old black zippered jacket of
Scully's. Scully was clearly charmed with her gift, and we could see the
wheels turning as she pondered the advantages of hooking up with a guy
who controlled the fate of the universe. No more K-Mart jackets for her.

Gillian Anderson gave what in this reviewer's opinion was her finest
performance to date. Her portayal of a woman longing for the finer fabrics
in life was one that will go down in the history of television. Particularly
poignant was the scene where Scully discovers Chuckie's betrayal - he
had fed her drugged Lifesavers, swathed her in a pair of Diana Fowley's
old pyjamas, and left her sleeping on a motorboat while he hooked up
with Daisy Buchanan, Lady Anne and Lisa Simpson. Viewers could
almost taste the heartbrake.

[Aderyn chuckles fiendishly]

Skull: What? *What*? What are you *doing*?
Aderyn: Nothing. Hey, could you pass me that curling iron, please?
Skull: Oh deah gott.
Aderyn: And the gel.

[Skull huddles up into a ball and slowly rocks back and forth]

Aderyn: Hey! Gimme the damn gel. This is a *project*. You're going to
love it.
Skull: I refuse to finish this review until you tell me what you're doing.
Aderyn: You can see my creation when the review is finished and not before.

Um...in a shocking twist, Chuckie was revealed to be a reincarnation of
Darth Vader. He even wore the chunky black leather gloves, and had the
wheezing down to an art form. Let's just hope that our dear Scully does
not end up with buns on the sides of her head.

Aderyn: Kinky.
Skull: Can you *please* show me your creation now? Is it done?
Aderyn: Oh yes, it's done. Just give me a minute.
Skull: What are you doing behind that curtain?
Aderyn: Dramatic effect. Now, are you ready?
Skull: Just show me already!

[Aderyn emerges from behind the curtain and strikes a dramatic
pose. Skull screams.]

Skull: Aaaargghh! What have you done? What have you *done*?
Aderyn: Relax, it's just a wig.
Skull: But it's got...curly bits...and bangs...and it's...it's...
Aderyn: Skull! Snap out of it. I'll take it off, okay?

[Aderyn tugs at the monstrosity adorning her head]

Aderyn: Um.
Skull: What?
Aderyn: I guess I should have let the glue dry.
Skull: Oh. Oh, God. Oh....

[Skull begins to laugh hysterically]

Aderyn: Skull! Stop chortling at my expense. This is not funny.
Skull: <giggle> Oh...deah gott...oh...it is *so* funny. You really have no
idea as to the true extent of its hilarity. You look...you look like a total freak.
Aderyn: <sob> That's a terrible thing to say. I was just trying to look like
Scully. I can't believe you find my tragic plight amusing. Some friend you are.
Skull: Excuse me, but who was it who hit me over the head multiple times
with a large spiked weapon? Who is it who used the Spear of Indecision
to pierce my brain? Who is it who lathered up my glorious tresses with a
substance resembling wet cement and egg mixed together? Why, I do
believe it was the same person who currently resembles Tea Leoni on
bad crack. Funny? Girl, it's boisterously entertaining.
Aderyn: <sniffle> You're a cruel, *cruel* Scullyclone.
Skull: Thanks.

Anyway, we here at SVYRDMUL Incorporated rather enjoyed this week's
mamm...er, *mem*orable episode, and think that our own Bro Bill did a
very nice job of displaying all the hollows, curves and dips of Scully's
well-rounded personality. Next week there is an episode that we know
nothing about. Yes, there is an episode. There is. You don't need to
invent one, because <stage whisper> we really need this week off.
</stage whisper> So work with me here - *there is an episode*. Are we
clear? Good. So <giggle> stay tuned to see if Ad is doomed to look like a
Teaclone forever. <snicker>

-end