Severed Review: "Empedocles"
By Skullhead

This week's XF episode was really good. It had a great plot and
really interesting <yawn> character development, none of which involved
Mulder or Scully. But Scully got to eat pizza and have visions and
collapse in <yawn> tremendous pain, so it's all good. Carter finally
appears to be getting it right - angst, schmoop and Psychic!Scully are all
we really need. Dogboy and whassername can take care of the icky bits.
<yawn>

Aderyn: You sound inspired.
Skull: Yeah, ain't it great? XF has really <yawn> revived since
Mulder returned.
Aderyn: But I thought it revived when he left.
Skull: I think the keyword here is 'novelty'.
Aderyn: If we smash his head open, will there be a plastic toy inside?

Anyway, Empedocles was about, um, pizza and hospitals and oil. At
least, I think there was oil. Maybe that's next week? Or I guess that would
now be last week. But I think that's what Doggett and Reyes were doing
most of the time.

Aderyn: Oiling each other? That sounds like too much information.
Skull: Maybe Reyes was oiling Doggett's metal joints.
Aderyn: Or maybe Doggett was oiling Reyes' smile. It must get stuck
sometimes.
Skull: Maybe both.
Aderyn: Yeah, maybe. Are you going to write some more review anytime
soon?
Skull: There's nothing to talk about. <yawn>
Aderyn: Improvise, dammit.

A shocking moment in this episode occurred with the revelation that
Scully has been consorting with the pizza guy in exchange for extra
cheese. One can only imagine what she's been up to with the striped-
couch-removal man, the refrigerator-moving man, the white-clunky-
phone-extermination man, and all the other endearingly-named
household helpers that have appeared over the years. At least it explains
how she's been paying for two apartments. (Note: Don't worry Chris,
we're sure Scully hasn't had sex. She is as pure as the virgin snow and
as chaste as a can of unopened Coke. She's just been doing the pizza
guy...'s laundry. Yep.)

In a brilliant move by Carter, the plot holes in this episode were skillfully
hidden by some schmoopy Mulder-Scully scenes. All the shippers
sobbed with joy when Mulder finally presented Scully with his nicely-
wrapped package, although the size of the box was somewhat optimistic.
Oh, and he also gave us a nice view of his Oedipus complex when
bestowed upon Scully a creepy old doll of his mother's. Surely a baby
blanket, or some booties, or a plam, or a toy tugboat would be more
appropriate gifts for the radiant mother-to-be. But the highlight of the
scene came when Scully, clearly afflicted with food poisoning from the
sperm-encrusted pizza, was rushed to hospital in mortal peril.

Aderyn: I know! That was so cute!
Skull: These schmoopy scenes are the reason I still watch. <happy sigh>
Aderyn: I wuv it when our Saint turns into a comatose drooling vegetable.
Skull: I wuv it too! Hey, if Gilly doesn't want to continue with XF next
season, they could always employ a large pumpkin to lounge around in a
hospital bed.
Aderyn: *Tasty*.

Although I'm not quite sure of its relevance to the <snicker> plot, I very
much enjoyed a scene in the hospital where Scully hopped out of bed
and started ministering to the other patients. Ain't nuthin' wrong with the
health care system in that country! Our Saint once again demonstrated
the merits of the alternative approach, skillfully bringing a patient back
from the dead with an injection of a thousand grams of Cheerwine. What
would that hospital have done without her?

Aderyn: I dunno, maybe yelled STAT and used the paddles? Just a
thought.
Skull: You know, I always wondered if there's any strange significance to
those things being called paddles. I mean, is it a reference to rowing up
the river Styx? Is the use of paddles a metaphor for bringing the patient
back from the dead? Does the medical profession give more credence to
ancient Greek religion than they're letting on? Is it a conspiracy? Is it-
Aderyn: Just remember the last time we saw Scully floating in a
metaphorical boat. Now think about what her hair looked like. And
consider very carefully before you speak again.

A less subtle aspect of the episode was the use of subliminal messages
to promote Agent Moronica Pees. Scully's extended spiel on the virtues
of Moronica could perhaps be forgiven, considering that the poor dear
wasn't feeling quite herself. But the "MoNiCa RuLz" lettering on the lethal
pizza box was a bit much, as were the large revolving billboards featuring
Monica's face and ass, which mysteriously appeared in the background
in every scene (including Scully's bathroom). It's almost poetic that
Teeena's creepy dolly was wearing a T-shirt saying "Dolly Loves
Monica!" Almost.

Aderyn: You know, I've never seen it, but Gilmore Girls is a really good
show.
Skull: I love The West Wing.
Aderyn: And let's not forget the media masterpiece that is Big Brother.
Skull: Oh, you're only saying that because you look exactly like that chick
who nearly won it.
Aderyn: And you're only writing this because you've run out of material.
Skull: Do you have a problem with that?
Aderyn: No, but I could invent one. It would fill up some more lines.
Skull: Good thought. Cogitate on it, okay?

Despite the faults in this episode, it did open up another avenue for the
show to explore, perhaps in Season Twelve or even in a spinoff. For
many, the highlight of Empedocles was watching Scully sleep. In my
opinion, that has enormous potential. Just think of the ratings that would
result from Scully turning over in bed, punching her pillow or perhaps
even <gasp> talking in her sleep!

Aderyn: Such tension! Will she awaken? Could she be dreaming? OMG, I
just saw an eyelid flutter!
Skull: In next week's gripping cliffhanger, Scully gets up and goes to the
bathroom!!! Will she ever be able to fall asleep again?!
Aderyn: In the series finale, Scully's alarm clock goes off! It's the end of
sleepytime for our Saint!!! Cue montage of cutest sleeping moments, to
the soundtrack of an REM song.
Skull: It's a gem of an idea, I tell you. An absolute Gem. Or perhaps a
Clare, or a Cathy, or a Daphne, or a Greg, or a Donna, or a Daniel, or a
Suzanne, or a Betsy, or a Caryl, or a...
Aderyn: WTF?
Skull: Don't bug me. This is my review and I get to be as nepotistic as I
like. Thank you to the above people and to everyone else who attended
the Sydney Marathon. We couldn't have done it without you.
Aderyn: I can't believe you put that into a review.
Skull: You got any better ideas?
Aderyn: No.
Skull: Well then.

Rumour has it that Doggett/Scully shippers are invading the earth, which
I find bloody terrifying. But much as I hate to admit it, there was fuel to be
found for their fire in this week's episode. Poor Dawgit spent a large
percentage of his time dopily watching Scully snooze, a large dollop of
drool hanging from his chin. But let's not panic - in my opinion, he was
lusting after the pretty drugs she was on. Yurmy.

Aderyn: I kept expecting him to say "Gosh darnit, Agent Scully, I think
you're just swell. Golly gee whillikers."
Skull: I gotta confession to make, Agent Scully. You're...you're the
purtiest girl in the whole ward. <blush>
Aderyn: Agent Scully...I dunno how to say this. Will you...will you come to
Georgia and be my li'l missus? It'd sure be first-rate if you would. <puppy- dog look>

However, these oh-so-dandy moments made for a battle o' the balls.
Mulder took objection to Doggett eyeing Scully's IV, and promptly threw
down the gauntlet and challenged Agent Terminator Testicles to a
showdown. The two manly men tensely took their positions on either side
of Scully's giant belly and took turns to give Our Saint a bellyrub. If
nothing else, it was a nice experience for Scully. Until they got a little too
forceful with the rubs, that is. If that kid was a genie it would have popped
out then and there.

It's a sure sign that the end of a show's creativity is nigh when "Mad
About You" is referenced. Although some viewers were delighted with the
plastic picket fence, the red brick inner-city apartment, and the tank of
orgasming trout, I personally was a little disturbed by the possible
foreshadowing. Could these new developments mean that Sculder will be
named...Mabel?

Aderyn: Aaaaarrrghh!
Skull: You know, the two shows are more similar than they first appear.
The woman gets all the prizes, for one.
Aderyn: And for two?
Skull: Um. The guy is annoying?
Aderyn: Duh. Three?
Skull: Give me a minute.

Despite the merits and, well, demerits of this episode, it all boils down to
one fact: "Empedocles" sounds like a dinosaur. An old, extinct, decaying
dinosaur that is way past its use-by date. A dinosaur that is interesting to
study for what it once was, but is less than exhilarating in its current
condition. A dinosaur that was once REALLY COOL, but has lost some of
its essential bones and is rapidly deteriorating into nothingness. A
dinosaur that I once really loved, and now only watch for the interaction
between its, um, heart and its brain, and even THAT is nothing to write
home about these days, and...

Aderyn: Skull, the metaphor is dead.
Skull: Like the dinosaur. <sob>
Aderyn: Oh lord. Skull, are you going to be all right?
Skull: <sniffle> Yes. I'll just fondly remember the dinosaur of a few years
back.

[Aderyn pats Skull's shoulder gently with The Club]

Aderyn: Oopsie, did I just dent you again? So sorry. Here, have a tissue.
Skull: Thank you. And <hic> it was a simile, by the way.
Aderyn: The dinosaur was really called "Simile"?! What kind of
stoopidASS name is that? Cheesus, I think I prefer Empedocles.
Skull: Yeah, you probably would. <sniff>

All in all, Empedocles basically sucked, but there was pizza. And
SleepyStonedScully. And the Skirmish of the Scrota. So as long as XF
keeps churning out these delightful ideas, we can hold out hope that
there is, perhaps, still some life in the old dinosaur. So stay tuned for next
week, or perhaps this week if you're lucky, when Aderyn will air her sage
opinions about Vienen. They're COMING!

-end