Severed Review: "DeadAlive"
By Skullhead

After several weeks of truly horrible suspense, XF has returned to put us out of our
misery. We will experience no more periods of agitated hyperventilation. No more
instances of overflowing tear ducts. No more sudden cravings for cheetos. All our
panicked mourning and hideous speculation has come to an end. We know the
truth. We can all rest easy in our beds now that another fiendish plot twist has been
resolved. Fox Mulder... <gratuitous dramatic pause>...is ALIVE.

Aderyn: You're KIDDING!
Skull: I jest not. They really <yawn> had me fooled this time.
Aderyn: Oh, me too. What's the total of MulderDeaths now? Ten thousand and
sixty seven?
Skull: I think so. Someone really needs to tell him about the boy who cried wolf.
Aderyn: Right. One day he's going to really be dead, and nobody will believe him -
I'm rEaLlY dEd this time! Mourn. Weep. Face-act... please?

However, it turns out that all our immense suspense pain could have been avoided
if we had just looked at the title of the episode. DeadALIVE...gee, you think he
survives? If 1013 wants to keep us in suspense they should really think about these
things. Spoiler virgins all over the world must have been seething. First trailers are
spoilers, now episode titles are spoilers. What's next? A Season Nine for hussies,
where every ep is full of tidbits and juicy "anonymous" gossip as to what will
happen in Season Ten?

Aderyn: No, wait, that would be a sequential progression of sorts. This is 1013
we're talking about.

Despite these minor hiccups in promotion, however, MoULdER is back. After
enduring horrific torture on a cross-shaped table and dying at the hands of his
unenlightened enemies, he has risen from the dead to continue his quest, just in
time for his virgin mother-figure to give birth to a miracle baby which is destined to
save mankind, unless it's a lizard. Somebody needs to tell Carter that his timeline is
REALLY screwed up, unless he's going for a thing like in that Red Dwarf episode
with the ouroboros...hey look, continuity! Who woulda thought?

Aderyn: What the hell are you talking about?
Skull: I have no idea. I registered for Fest last week and I'm still on a high.
Aderyn: Did registering for Fest involve the inhalation of illicit substances? And if
so, why wasn't I told about it?
Skull: <sniff> Out of the loop, I guess.
Aderyn: You are such a lowlife. I think it's time we made some changes in this
pointless organisation. You are no longer an adequate co-founder. I want
supremacy. I WANT POWER.
Skull: Over my dead body.
Aderyn: If you insist.

I am happy to report that the long-awaited Mulder-Scully reunion scene did not
disappoint. Many commented on the wonderful chemistry that was present during
the scene, and to me that's an excellent indication of Carter finally getting with the
program. It makes perfect sense that Scully, still feeling pretty damn stupid after not
autopsying Mulder, would feel the need to bring all her test tubes and bunsen burners
and bubbly things into the hospital room just to make absolutely sure that
Mulder was alive. After all, it's difficult to tell just by looking at him.

Though many complained about Scully's unprofessionalism in neglecting to
autopsy Mulder, to me it seems like quite a fortunate lapse. Autopsies, it should be
noted, generally involve a body being cut up and organs being removed. Mulder's
chances of survival would probably have diminished quite significantly if such a
procedure had taken place.

Aderyn: I dunno, it could have been quite fuddy. Scully would've had a wonderful
story to tell her lizard baby.
Skull: Mommy, how did Daddy die?
Aderyn: Well dear, we're not sure. It might have been when I sliced his chest open
with a scalpel, or it could possibly have happened when I scooped out his heart and
plopped it on to the scale.
Skull: That's tasteless. You know what? *I* want supremacy. I talk more, and I'm
younger and smaller and more endearing, and I can hide behind people's knees.
This organisation should be MINE.
Aderyn: It would be a crying shame if you were assassinated while in office,
wouldn't it?

I should mention that Scully looked freaking fabulous in this episode. She was
pregnant, but had apparently found an excellent maternity store that sold high-
heeled shoes and slinky black hosiery. She had the right idea, as black is
extremely slimming for those swollen ankles. And I suppose she needed the heels
to reach the autopsy table, though personally I think it's a very bad idea for
pregnant women to be cutting open (probably) dead bodies. What happens if they
experience cravings for liver during the slice 'n dice? Things could get ugly.

Aderyn: Whoa, and you think *I'm* tasteless? That's it. I'm writing a campaign
speech.
Skull: Go ahead. This is my review so it's pretty obvious who's going to win. You're
deluding yourself if you think a measly campaign speech will accomplish anything.

Despite Scully's initial rapture at being reunited with her one-true-love/partner-just-
partner/platonic-soul-mate/soul-mate-whom-she-boinks-during-the-
commercials/father-of-her-alien-foetus/NOT-father-of-her-alien-foetus-and-if-you-
even-suggest-that-I'll-puke, her excitement appeared to wear off rather quickly
when confronted with the reality of a mouldy, smelly, chaffed, peeling, scabby, bad-
joke-telling Mulder. You could see the progression of emotions displayed on her
face in a telling monologue, going something like "Woo HOO, Mulder's
back...oopsie, I mighta screwed up a bit by burying him...but now he'll be here for
the birth of our liddle baby...he kinda stinks...oooh look, chocolate...hey he's
awake...oh how endearing, he's telling jokes...um, they aren't
funny...alien baby's kicking...oooh, pickles...what the hell is he on about now?...his
hair looks good...he REALLY stinks...why did I want him back, again?...my feet
hurt...I'm hungry...aaargggh, he's still talking! Why the hell did I dig him up?!...aw,
fork it, I'm going to sleep." I found it quite amazing that Gillian Anderson was able
to communicate such a huge range of emotions in the space of just a few seconds.
Someone should give that woman some prizes.

Aderyn: AHEM. For your consideration: I am the senior member of this
organisation, both in years and in longevity. I wield the weapons. I write with more
sTylE and flair <hiccup>. I'm a bottle blonde bimbo, and I'm skinny. Hence, I think
it's obvious that I am the best choice for Severed Supremacy.
Skull: Oh, please. Being older is hardly a virtue. This organisation needs young,
fresh blood.
Aderyn: Young, freshly spilled blood, you mean.
Skull: NO. Come on, people. She comes from a country that breeds sick, sick
animals. She's probably afflicted herself, if the condition of her pet sheep is any
indication. She is violent and unstable. She has been an OBSSE member for TWO
FREAKIN' WEEKS longer than I have - hardly a huge difference. And she sucks.
Phnar.

This episode was greatly enhanced by the appearance of three beloved secondary
characters. The first was Billy Miles, who had joined a circus troupe and was
exhibiting Theresa Nemmens in a freak show across the country. The second was
our very own hunk o' three-foot ass, Krycek, whose prosthetic arm appeared to be
much more mobile than the last time we saw it - raising questions about exactly
what kind of <cough> exercises he's been doing. And the third was our much-
loved, much-missed Ma Scully - poor dear Ma, who has somehow been rendered
mute since we last saw her sweet face. We can only speculate as to what could
have caused this unfortunate condition - if Scully were behaving in character she
could give us an SRE, but sadly those precious days are long departed - but I
personally think it could have something to do with her finding out that her one
remaining daughter is currently gestating a horse-elephant-hamster-guppy-alien-
human hybrid. Ma is speechless, and it's not hard to see why. Surprises can do
that to a girl.

Aderyn: I can assure my adoring public that no such unpleasant surprises will occur
when *I* am in office. I will serve you with respect and integrity, and-
Skull: Oh, shut up. It's my turn to talk. Look, people - I'm young and nubile. I have
red hair. I have big boobs. I am willing to sing on pianos. Okay?
Aderyn: *That's* a campaign speech?! That was pathetic!
Skull: Yeah, but it'll work. <shrug>
Aderyn: ... I'm nekkid right now, and when I'm not nekkid I WEAR THONGS!! I'm
the bestest!
Skull: Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

I regret to say, however, that the touching reunion scene was counterbalanced by
the absolutely disgusting shower scene. I have never seen anything so horrific in
my entire life. It should be illegal to show something that depraved on national
television. Carter and Co should be ashamed - nay, mortified - to allow such a
reprehensible display of turpitude to hit the airwaves. The blankies alone were
enough to initiate a conniption in my dear mother, and the booties damn near sent
my father over the edge. Never mention ducks or kittens to me again unless you
want to die a slow and painful death. BABY SHOWERS ARE EVIL. And NOT in a
good way.

Aderyn: Speaking of which, are the results in yet?
Skull: No. Be patient, blondie.

It's become a hobby of many viewers to guess what kind of animal Scully is,
judging by her child's extended period of gestation. Apparently her pregnancy is
currently at 17 months, which equates to approximately 510 days. According to my
trusty Table of Gestation Periods (with assistance from the Farm Livestock
Breeding Table I swiped from Aderyn), this means that our dear Scully is either an
Asiatic elephant or an unspecified type of whale. She passed the deadline for being
a camel a good three months ago, and sadly it is now completely beyond the realm
of possibility that she is an ass. However, I seek solace in the fact that llamas are
not listed on either of the tables I possess. You never know.

Despite Scully's likely confusion as to her genusial identity, she appears to be
taking very good care of her species-ambiguous foetus. Some eagle-eyed viewers
noticed Scully's habit of tapping on her stomach, and this has given rise to
speculation that she was actually communicating with her lizard baby via Morse
code. It is never too soon to start the proper training of a child. I wouldn't be
surprised if it emerged from the womb with perfect understanding of the periodic
table, a basic familiarity with Einstein's Twin Paradox, and an encyclopaedic
knowledge of the various forms of ditching. Our Saint always thinks ahead.

Aderyn: I liked the bellycam she had set up, too. It's never too early to keep watch
on the hamster baby.
Skull: Our Saint's kid could not be a pelican. But she keeps watch via a bellycam.
Aderyn: One thing's for sure - your poetry will never get you elected.
Skull: Oh, I have other talents.

"DeadAlive" was a shocker of an episode. It established once and for all that
MoUldEr is the resurrection and the life, albeit in a stinky way, and that Sculder
could be a very scary eventuality. It proved that cremation in the XF universe is,
um, not a good idea. It confirmed the theory that nobody EVER dies on XF - people
can be vomited up, blown up, burned up, even freaking BURIED, but they'll be back
if 1013 needs them for plot contrivances. And it was instrumental in provoking the
dissolution of the Severed partnership, when one co-founder managed to
overthrow the other and gain sole supremacy of the pointless organisation...

Aderyn: Are the results in yet? Are they?! ARE THEY?!!
Skull: I'm just opening the ballot box now.
Aderyn: I'm so going to win.
Skull: You just keep telling yourself that...I'll tell you what. You can be my secretary.
Aderyn: No, but I'll read your eulogy if you like. Hurry it up, stoopid.
Skull: Oh, wHAtEVaH. The first one says... <mutter>
Aderyn: What was that?
Skull: It says Aderyn.
Aderyn: Yee haw! See, I TOLD you blonde would win out.
Skull: It's early days yet. The second one says...SKULL!
Aderyn: Oh, phooey. Well, I guess it would just be humiliating if you didn't get ANY
votes. What does the next one say?
Skull: ...um...therearen'tanymore.
Aderyn: What?
Skull: <cough> There aren't any more votes.
Aderyn: WHAT?! You incompetent wench. Give me that ballot box...hey, there
aren't any more votes.
Skull: Yeah. We're, uh, the only ones that voted.
Aderyn: Could that be because we're the ONLY ONES IN THE ORGANISATION?
Skull: Possibly.

Stay tuned for a review sometime in the distant future, when Aderyn will probably
attempt to break the leadership stalemate in her own special loving cranium-
smashing way. Then again she might not, because if 1013 doesn't care about
continuity, why should we? Nyah.

-end

P.S. I really did win, but don't tell Aderyn.