Severed Review: "Fight Club"
By Aderyn

"Fight Club" was an episode of The X-Files. It had, like, a fight scene and
stuff. It had some good stuff in it - like the fighting. It had some bad stuff
in it - like the fighting. It was the third from last episode of The X-Files.
Scully was in it, and her hair looked lovely. :) :) :)

Skull: ...!!
Aderyn: What?
Skull: I know this review is already late hitting the list but you might want
to start over. That was the biggest pile of steaming horse sh*t I've ever read.
Aderyn: Or maybe it was a clever parallel. Didja think about that? Huh?
Skull: There's nothing clever about making oneself sound like a stoopid moron.
Aderyn: There is - I'm searching for a way to convey the suck-fest that
was "Fight Club."
Skull: By making us sound even more clueless than usual? Deah gott
woman, you're on your own. My contractual obligations end after the next
review. I'm out of here, I'm bailing, I'm not going to see these reviews that
I used to be quite proud of, limp to such a poorly executed conclusion.
Farewell.

"Fight Club" seemed like a promising entry into the hallowed annals of
the X-Files. It was a tale of two feuding sisters whose close proximity to
each other resulted in much nastiness. Two young women with
supremacy issues, who liked nothing more than a good, dirty, rotten fight.
Two Sisters who, because of some unfortunate XF deprivation were
forced to share e-mail space, and battle their way through...

Skull: Wait a goddamn minute.
Aderyn: I thought you'd gone for good. Wishful thinking on my part I guess.
Skull: "Fight Club" was about two feuding sisters, and this review is going
to be about two feuding Sisters?? <deep breath> Okay, I have to tell you
that I absolutely, completely, utterly hate that idea. You're plagiarising
yourself, it's derivative, you're relying on the same tired OLD formula - I
can't believe that this is the third to last review, and you have the audacity
to a) POST LATE, and b) THROW AWAY the opportunity to do
something meaningful. Next thing you'll be calling me names so I can get
all defensive, and it'll be a re-hash of all the other freakin' reviews that
have hit the list over the last six months. We should be working towards a
climactic resolution through creative re-invention, ...

[Aderyn picks up The Club]

... our manufactured feuding is not funny anymore. It's PREDICTABLE.
Hell, I'll bet you ten of those Pixy Stix I confiscated from you, that before
the next two sentences are up you'll hit me with The Club - because it
would be *so* freakin' amusing to add to the cracks in my cranium.

[Aderyn hides The Club]

It's clumsy, it's lazy, it's POINTLESS!! Get a clue. GET A LIFE.
Aderyn: Skull?
Skull: WHAT?? I was in the middle of a deeply satisfying rant there. What
do you want?
Aderyn: I think you owe me some Pixy Stix. <smirk>
Skull: Huh. I'll give you some Stix if you can make it through this review
without re-hashing tired Severed Review cliches that include relying upon
taunting, bullying, name-calling, hitting, or hair-pulling. In fact I'll double
your Stix if neither of us ends up requiring medical assistance. Deal?
Aderyn: Easy Stix.
Skull: <cough>cheap ho<cough>

"Fight Club" was hardly the most well received episode in the seventh
season of the X-Files. However, the "stinky is good" counter-attack is a
valiant retort to the cries of suckerdom that befell this CC-penned eau-de-
crap. There was much to cherish if you were prepared to wallow around
in the fetid mire.

Skull: Jump right in.
Aderyn: I love you!

On the surface "Fight Club" was a twisted fable about doppelgangers.
Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer were a couple of gals who took sibling
rivalry to extremes, and into the wrestling ring. Their violent tendencies
had detrimental effects upon all those in the vicinity, but this is immaterial
as we consider the real message of the episode. The answer to
everything in the X-Files, the reason for the harrowing quest that's taken
up seven years of two young agents' lives, the truth that was always out
there, but never previously revealed: that the number "2" rocks.

CC must be given credit for trying to underpin the events of this episode
with such subtle references to this most special of numbers. He cleverly
elected to have TWO Mulders and TWO Scullys, and to show the same
rockin' scene of a bar being blown to smithereens TWICE! Ooh, and
there was that yummy shot of Rob Van Dam's ass, which may possibly
have been unrelated, but this reviewer certainly doesn't think that it's a
coincidence that a nice firm ass is made up of TWO pert buttocks.

Skull: What is this? Sesame Street on crack?
Aderyn: This review is being brought to you by the letters A, S, and
S and by the number "2".
Skull: As much as I'd like to agree with your theory about the glory that is
numero duo - especially if it means I get to see some more posterior
action, I seem to remember some discussion about *it* all being about
Storm Drain Trolls.
Aderyn: Maybe there were TWO trolls?
Skull: I forgot to mention this earlier, but another condition of me handing
over the Stix is that you make some freakin' sense in this review. Drop
the "2" fixation already - although you can still talk about nice firm butts if
you like. <drool>

Betty and Lulu's father had quite the overactive proboscis. He was able to
*produce* industrial quantities of sperm at a moment's notice, and
spawned legions of Grumpy Juniors at the local bank. Some of his
progeny escaped to become professional wrestlers, while others whiled
away their hours producing counterfeit bills so that they could go
shopping at Safeway.

Skull: Are you implying that supermarket employees can't spot a
counterfeit bill?
Aderyn: Yes. Am I wrong?
Skull: Yes, of course you're wrong! You can always tell if you look at the
colours. When bits are black or white when they're supposed to be green,
you know you're got yerself a fake one.
Aderyn: Darn, that's where I went wrong that time I was printing up that
batch of SVYRDMUL bank notes. I must remember to buy myself some
colouring crayons for next time.
Skull: I think you'll find that you also screwed up when you plastered
your ugly mug all over them. It's never going to be a viable currency that
way. Sheesh.
Aderyn: That's hardly an issue now is it, because *someone* covered my
humble image with cut-out pictures of Queen Rania. Long may she
freakin' reign. <sob>
Skull: . . .Did someone just mention "reins?"

There was plenty of pleasing couple interaction in this episode. Mulder
and Scully beat the crap out of each other. Steve and Arlene beat the
crap out of each other, and Betty and Lulu beat the crap out of each
other. These scenes offered the viewer an opportunity to reflect upon the
cartoonish excesses of the violence that has permeated the very core of
televisual culture. To rally against the sickening apathy that is the disease
of the quick fix fisticuffs-junkies that are today's youth. To reconsider the
sublime primal pleasure of smacking annoying people with large blunt
objects. To imagine what it would be like to WIN the fight before the end
of the season and get all the adulation...

Skull: You're cracking up. All this fighting talk is getting to you. There's no
way you're going to get your Pixy Stix. You want to hurt me, admit it!
Aderyn: No, silly, I was trying to erm, mock CC. YEAH! That's it.
Neener...

[Skull waves some Stix in front of Aderyn's nose]

... I don't want to hurt you, Sweet!Skullduggery. You don't want to know
how guilty I feel every time I see the mess that is your cranium.
Skull: Aw, honey, that's *so* sweet.

Most of the episode was taken up with showing the celebrity showdowns
in the ring. Steve and Arlene had a spectacular brawl (aka the Z-list
Standin' Deathmatch) which involved standing around for *hours* while
the camera crew set up the next shot - which somehow resulted in them
pummelling each other into body casts.

Skull: Apparently it was the bad dubbing.
Aderyn: Or the good drubbing. <snicker>
Skull: You call that a pun? Was that supposed to be a JOKE?! Deah gott
woman, you're getting worse all the time.
Aderyn: You know, I don't believe I've ever tested the backfiring pistol in
a review.
Skull: ...hee hee?
Aderyn: Better.

Lulu and Betty were up next. They entertained the masses as they
clashed over some guy called Bert, whom everyone with half a brain
knows, has been, HELLO, sharing a bed with Ernie for the last twenty-
odd years. Move on ladies. Duh.

Last but not least, and to much whooping from the OBSSE crew, came
Scully and Mulder, who, in some bizarre mating ritual, affectionately beat
each other to a pulp. It seems that DAL can manifest itself in the oddest
of ways in maladjusted, celibate, dysfunctional feebees. It was very
pleasing to see Scully, who's never been adverse to playing *dirty*, throw
some punches, sew Mulder's jaw together, hack into top-secret
confidential medical records, give a slide-show on cattle mutilations, and
throw a couple more punches simultaneously.

Skull: Wow! She sure can multitask. I bet that you'd never be able to hit
me with The Club (that you've so cleverly "hidden" underneath the table),
*and* write this review at the same time. You're not even close to being
able to achieve that! Wow, Scully's so kewl.
Aderyn: Heh! Shows what you know!! I could do those two things at the
same time, just watch me, wen... oh. <sniff>

The fight ended with a battered Mulder seeking solace in the
underground haven of a sewer, and Scully hotfooting it back to DC so
that she could practise her charades routine on Skinner while Arlene was
out of the picture, and in traction.

The acting from the leads was superb on all counts, with DD particularly
impressive as he swam around in the stinky sewer like an old pro. The
supporting cast was equally cogent, especially three or four ringside
wimple-clad audience members, who drooled without peer at each and
every firm buttock in their frame of view.

Skull: Oh good, we're finally back on-topic. Butts, butts, glorious butts.
Aderyn: Nothing quite like them for drooling by sluts.
Skull: So follow me follow, down to the...hey!
Aderyn: <cackle>

"Fight Club" while no doubt intending to ignite fiery spectator blood-lust,
ended up a battered and bruised invalid of an episode. But it matters little
in the long term because one of the side effects of fighting is concussion.
The collective amnesia that is sure to follow a viewing of this episode will
surely mean that the viewer can take away whatever selective memory
they please. It will probably have something to do with Van Dam's ass,
Scully's hair, or the glory that is the number "2" - depending on your
gender preference, levels of depravity and whether or not you're a maths
geek.

Skull: You forgot to mention that some people might take away the
overriding impression that FIGHTing with CLUBs is kewl.
Aderyn: …thE...cLuB ... <sniffle>

[Skull downs a Stix]

Be sure to tune in next week to find out if Skull is going to honour her
contractual obligations and type one more review for your <cough>
edification, and indeed to see whether or not she's going to escape the
wrath of The Club after this reviewer has typed "-end." You'll have to
check your email to find out.

-end.

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Skull: ARrrrrrrrgggggghhhh