Severed Review: "Closure"
By Skullhead

"Closure" was a touching, emotional, moving end to the SamanthArc.
What a wonderful feeling it is to know that our favourite punk has finally
come to terms with the fact that he's been chasing a zombie around for
the majority of his life! You know the hypnoregression? Fake! The
clones? Fake! The constant assurances from the baddies that little Sam
is still in the land of the living? Fake! The fact that everyone in Mulder's
family is now dead, all for the sake of his all-consuming quest which
turned out to be just a crock? Oh wait, that one's real. No wonder Mulder
was so emotionally fulfilled at the conclusion of the episode. His entire life
had been rendered...what's the word?...oh yeah. Fake.

[Skull's cell phone rings]

Skull: Yeah.
Aderyn: Skull! Are you okay? For God's sake, what happened?
Skull: Huh? Ad, is this really necessary? I'm in the middle of a bitter rant here.
Aderyn: You were screaming. I figured you were abducted by aliens or at
the very least stubbed your toe.
Skull: Oh, that. It never happened.
Aderyn: What?
Skull: Never happened. The world is my etch-a-sketch and I just gave it a
good shake.
Aderyn: But that's...that's not fair! It's a totally unsatisfying resolution
to a suspenseful cliffhanger!
Skull: Would it help if I bathed myself in blue light? I can play some
groovy music too if you like. Now, can I please get back to the sarcasm?
Aderyn: Um, that *was* sarcasm.
Skull: Oh. Yeah, I guess it was. Funny - you don't notice it after awhile.
Aderyn: You mean like Carter's ineptitude?

This significant 150th episode (not counting Travelers) began, as has
become the tradition in Man-Pain-riddled mytharc eps, with a voiceover
from Mulder. The bits where he waxed poetic about the God he doesn't
believe in were missable, but everyone in TV land perked up when he
moved on to female genitalia. Some fans, however, were apparently
bitter because they were unable to examine the aforesaid genitalia and
watch the TV simultaneously. A riot may have broken out if Mulder hadn't
decided to talk about Scully's hair products instead.

Aderyn: Uh, Skull? I would be happy to listen to you talk about vaginas,
but for the fact that I'm still stuck in this freaking cellar. Any word from Lariat?
Skull: They'll get there soon. Probably. And you should know better than
to mention bondage when Reade is near.
Aderyn: <giggle> Giddyup.
Skull: Aderyn! Stay. Away. From. The. Bottles.
Aderyn: Why? Brain cells are overrated.

Happily for our gerbilish hero, he received a lovely Valentine's Day gift in
the form of his sister's diary. It was heartbreaking to watch his face
change as he moved through the entries; almost all of his extensive
repertoire of expressions made an appearance. Oh, and Scully was there too.

Aderyn: Dear Diary, I really hate my brother Fox. He is such a loser.
Skull: Dear Diary, I think maybe my mom is a slut.
Aderyn: Dear Diary, I've been dead for twenty years. Neener.
Skull: Dear Diary, I've decided to become an alien-human hybrid.
Aderyn: Dear Diary, can you believe Fox thinks I'm still alive? How funny is that?!
Skull: Dear Diary, I'm getting kinda sick of frolicking. I'm not a freaking lamb.

Viewers will be glad to know that the Father of All Evil is not Santa Claus,
as was previously implied. It is in fact the Man in the Moon, who herds
the souls of murdered kids on to the Starlight Express and gives them a
home on a hilltop, where they dance and laugh for all eternity or until they
get bored. Mulder experienced an emotional reunion with the frisky ghost
of his little sister, but Scully missed out because it wasn't her week to be The One.

As a reviewer, I was pleased with the way Chris and Co. wrapped up the
issue of the walk-ins. It turns out that life on the starry hilltop could be a
little restrictive in terms of material goods, so the ghost kids paid an
occasional visit to their former homes in order to take a shower, pick up
some food and fill their optical prescriptions. The matter of the ransom
notes was resolved just as satisfactorily - the fun-loving children found it
amusing to take possession of their parents' bodies and scribble out a
couple of tantalizing clues such as "Dear Mom, I have run away from
home. Don't look for me under the bed."

Aderyn: Children can be so cruel.
Skull: I agree. I co-founded a pointless organization with one such
heartless runt.
Aderyn: I'm not a child!
Skull: You're not? Then why are you like that?
Aderyn: Hey, I bet Sammy kicked Jeffy's ass when they were growing up
together in that alternate reality.
Skull: Oooh, yeah.
Aderyn: Jeffy, hold onto this AK47 and point it in the direction of your
head, wouldja?
Skull: Jeffy, you got a face like a spud's posterior. Think I should peel it?
Aderyn: Jeffy, lock yourself in this 'ere closet and see how long you can
go without air, okay?
Skull: Jeffy, see this brick? I bet you could get your head to crack open
after a few taps.
Aderyn: Jeffy, see that noose hanging from the ceiling? Can you do me a
favour and see if your head fits through?
Skull: <innocent whistle> Ha hahhahaa, right, let's wrap up this liddle
thread and move on...

While Mulder's beautiful mind was making its usual intuitive leaps, Scully
was fighting for air. Her wrists had somehow been bound together with a
large keyring, and a fright wig was blocking her airway. Finally she
worked out that in order to get some Oxygen, she would have to Exhale
first. Our Saint figures out all things eventually.

Aderyn: Skull, I hate to nag, but I think the cellar's getting smaller. And
I'm hungry. Can't you just come down and open the door for me?
Skull: I can't. I don't have the key.
Aderyn: Well, go and get it! Everyone knows Autumn keeps it under her
pillow. And she's neenering in LA at the moment, so nobody will catch you.
Skull: Well, I don't know. She probably took it with her.
Aderyn: Could you at least check?! Anyone would think you wanted me
to die down here so you could take over the organization!
Skull: ...

As we all know, the really vital episodic issues always revolve around the
CHarc. Scully's lamentable 'do had happily progressed from stagnant to
shifting, and a truly spine-tingling moment occurred when Mulder
regressed upon his regression, regrettably recollecting his repulsive retro
renegade hairstyle. In that instant, everything was explained. Aliens could
colonize the earth tomorrow and that haircut could be held accountable.

Skull: Psst.
Aderyn: ...
Skull: Ad. Your turn.
Aderyn: What do you think's going to happen after I go mad from the
claustrophobia and die from a combination of starvation and alcohol poisoning?
Skull: Oh. I guess I hadn't really considered that. Fi could replace you, I
suppose. Or Kerry, or Gem, or Anya. There are plenty of candidates, you
know. You're not indispensable.
Aderyn: But who's to say that they won't rebel and kick you out on your
ass? They're a crazy lot, and without two of us to keep them in line who
knows what could happen?
Skull: Um. Nobody messes with me?
Aderyn: Please! You're the poster girl for Victims Anonymous.
Skull: That's so not true!
Aderyn: Does the word "trepanation" ring a bell? Or what about
"concussion"? These reviews have been painful for more than just the
readers, if your considerably depleted brain cells can recall.
Skull: <sigh> I'll be right down.
Aderyn: Sucker.

The end of the episode saw Mulder celebrating his sister's death and
playing with Scully's old hair accessories. You know, the ones she used
to adorn her glorious locks before she invoked voluntary baldness? This
scene was filled with shippiness - or was it snippiness? - and ended on a
wonderful note of nostalgia as Mulder picked up a poofy hair tie and hung
it over his nose. The Scrunchie Face had returned.

[The roar of an engine is heard in the wine cellar]

Skull: Aderyn, move away from the door.
Aderyn: What are you doing?! Is this going to hurt?
Skull: With any luck. But you may survive if you just shut up and move
away from the freaking door already.
Aderyn: But I don't know where the door is. That's the whole problem.
Skull: Oh, right. Well...guess.
Aderyn: Guess?! What if I guess wrong? I could die!
Skull: Yeah. That *would* be a shame. Hang on, I'm comin' through.

[Skull revs up the engine of the Orange Gremlin and ploughs through the
wall of the cellar]

Aderyn: I'm FREEEEEE!!! And I'm FIIIINE!!! You missed me. Neener.
Skull: Oh, bugger.
Aderyn: Meanwhile, what on earth are you going to tell Nancy? I don't
think she's going to appreciate the damage done to her car.
Skull: Uh...I'll say it's her imagination?
Aderyn: Heh heh. You're toast.
Skull: Mmmm...toast... <sob>

"Closure", while emotionally satisfying, had the tang of an empty victory,
much like the feeling you get after you successfully cheat at
Solitaire...you've won, but who really gives a damn? Samantha's dead,
with any luck. Let's hope she stays that way so we can move on to bigger
and better things. Like floof.

Aderyn: Hey...now that she's carked it, what's Mulder still doing on the X-
Files? He's fulfilled his quest. He should be breaking out the bubbly and
moving to Florida, not chasing after genetic mutants.
Skull: I hate to admit it, but that's a good question. Maybe there'll be an
episode devoted to Mulder and Scully's honeymoon.
Aderyn: Why, oh why did you let me live if you planned on torturing me
this way?
Skull: I told you. Nobody messes with me. Uh, could you put down that
club? Please?

Stay tuned for next week, when Aderyn will utilize her hungover
histrionics in order to review the latest in crossover wizardry, "X-Cops".
Will the Ghost of Sam turn up for another bondage - erm, bonding
session? Will Scully discover the Magic of Mousse? Will Ma Mulder
return from the dead to wreak bespectacled havoc on the living? And will
the cameras stay still long enough for us to process any of the episode?
You'll have to check your inbox to find out. In the meantime, the Severed
reviewers are going on the run from NFF, the Elders, CC, and life itself.
See ya.

-end