Severed Review: "Brand-X"
By Aderyn

"all things" was a *very* satisfying episode of the X-Files. It seems
pertinent to remember this as we consider its successor, for "Brand-X"
was the episodic equivalent of the morning after. GA's tour de force
unbuttoned the mysteries of the CHarc, unclothed the spiritual, and laid
bare the character of Dana Scully. This week's episode seemed to be
sluggish in comparison, as if bathing in afterglow as it reached across the
bed stand for a post coital cigarette, sweet burning tobacco swirling into
the lethargic air of the night, before rolling over and sinking into a deep,
satisfied sleep.

Skull: It's been a while, huh?
Aderyn: I'm not a smoker.
Skull: Uh, I wasn't referring to *that*. <snicker>

Although there was a torpid feel to the whole proceedings, "Brand-X" did
manage to spew some interesting material our way; from last week's
spiritual offering to this week's corporeal discharge. XF returned to its
roots during this episode, exposing innards, fluids, bugs, and anything
that could possibly turn a viewer's stomach. Reminiscent of The X-Files
of yore, it served us a creepy-crawly slice of termite ridden pie, that
exposed the rotten underbelly of society as we know it.

Skull: Huh. I thought it was a mediocre episode about cigarettes and bugs.
Aderyn: It was, but I'm trying to stretch out my material. Okay? You got a
problem with that?

The plot was basic, but creepy, as the most nastiest, horriblest, meanest
tobacco company in the whole wide world, Morleys, decided to engineer
some healthy cigarettes. It was left unclear to the viewer why exactly their
experiments went so wrong, however it seems that their first mistake was
to genetically modify house plant leaves rather than tobacco (duh), thus
unleashing transgenic gardenia pollen into the unsuspecting atmosphere
of Winston-Salem, NC.

Skull: How prancy!
Aderyn: No wonder so many Abbey members claim that Winston-Salem
is their home town.
Skull: It certainly explains Hannibal.

The mere whiff of ashtray breath or a glimpse of a stubbed out cancer-
stick has long had the power to suggest *evil* in XF. During this episode
one particularly heinous pack of rogue Morleys had the additional quality
of a weapons arsenal full of bug eggs, which it fired out at any mortal who
dared take a puff. It thus annihilated those nicotine happy townsfolk, and
those in the vicinity with oral fixations. Enter Mulder (schmuck), stage left.

Skull: Ooh, you've just reminded me - you know that new weapon we
were constructing for the arsenal? You know - the Thing for "Operation
Thingy" that'll happen when all the others are at Fest?
Aderyn: Shouldn't we be having this conversation offlist?
Skull: I guess. What are you waiting for, wench? Type it!
Aderyn: OFFLIST
Skull: Let's talk business. You really think that our new cannon, that's
been especially designed to fire trout spawn, is going to be powerful
enough to break through the lock on Autumn's door while she's Festing?
Aderyn: Yeah. Don't underestimate the power of Sparky's progeny,
especially when they're hurtling through the air at the speed of light. We'll
have free run of Autumn's study, I can confidently declare.
Skull: This take-over thingo is going to be so darn kewl. We'll be the envy
of the Abbey.
Aderyn: Well technically we'll be the only ones *in* the Abbey during our
take-over bid - so we'll have to video tape the whole thing and play it
back to them when they get back from Fest.
Skull: We're going to let them back in after Fest? What kind of take-over
plan is this?
Aderyn: uhuh... damn! Back to the drawing board already. I'll better write
some more crap about "Brand-X" and you can think of ideas for
"Operation Abbey Take-Over, Plan B" in-between some of those snarky,
bitchy comments you're so good at. Ready?... ONLIST

It was Mulder's turn to lounge about in a hospital bed this week - the
tragic victim of the FBI's Most Wanted Pack of 20.

After inhaling some bug eggs he lapsed into a coma for the majority of
the episode, thus enabling DD to do what he does best - mimic a
vegetable. A worm infested vegetable.

Skull: Oh, he's really extending his range this season.
Aderyn: Heh heh. You said "extending."
Skull: You sure you're not a shipper?
Aderyn: Tra la la. Spring is in the air. Hoppity skip. <prance>
Skull: Tis the season to be broody, huh?
Aderyn: Ooh, what a neat segue into my next paragraph...

It seems that each week Scully must endure an infertility jibe. The
insensitivity with which 1013 deal with the egg issue (that underscores
and devalues so many episodes) once again reared its ugly head, as a
non compos mentis Mulder successfully inhaled the bug larvae and
carried them through a traumatic, yet successful gestation. It was very
touching that a pained yet selfless Scully found it in her heart to act out
the role of supporting Significant Other during the birthing process. GA's
hands alone should win all the prizes for all their tender emoting, and for
the speed with which she caught her wayward, yet fertile partner's
offspring as they propelled out of his respiratory passage.

Skull: So, what did they call the babies?
Aderyn: Nancy, AdriAnne, Barbie Joe, Swoodsie, Pilgrim...
Skull: What are you talking about?
Aderyn: The spawn of evil.
Skull: I know you're trying to pander (incidentally, I do it better), but you
will not win any points that way. Nancy is not spawn, she *is* the evil, and
so you are in effect comparing her to Mulder. That's a Very Bad Thing.
Aderyn: But, but, I didn't mean that Mulder was evil. He's not interesting
enough for that. <sob> I was just trying to give Spawnie a birthday
present.
Skull: Oh hell, don't cry. <sigh> Sheesh. Okay, the nicotine worm babies
were FFs. Happy?
Aderyn: <sob> Yes.

As a post partum Mulder slumbered for the remainder of the episode, it
was left to Skinner to do some detectin'. The Assistant Director dragged
his ass and yummy pectorals away from the clutches of Arlene and into
the world of the field agents in a mission to help Scully catch The
Smokes before they further impregnated any other orally-fixated feebees.
He also took the opportunity to cultivate some serious UST with his
favourite agents. After playing footsie with Scully under the autopsy table,
he scooted off to a tender hand-holding vigil by Mulder's bedside, gently
stroking the finely reamed hairwaves from his pale manly forehead.
"Mulder," he whispered, "I want you to know that I-"

Skull: Hey! Hold it right there. You're making this up. STOP IT.
Aderyn: You look a little flushed, dear. Is it too warm for you in here?
Skull: That's a dirty trick. You're not allowed to sneak tender loving slash
into a review. It's *not allowed*, I tell you.
Aderyn: Want me to bring in Krycek?
Skull: Oh, I don't care. Krycek is different. He's a tight-assed sex object.
Nobody gives a crap about his sensitive side.
Aderyn: And which, er, *side* would that be? <snicker>
Skull: Oh, *really* mature. You can be *such* a child sometimes. In fact,
I've been meaning to bring this up for a long time - I think you're...
Aderyn: Hang on a sec. OFFLIST
Skull: ...you're *unworthy* to be severed. Just look at you. You gallivant
round the UK with AJ, and in a four months you're freaking *going to the
U.S.*. You're unmerited. You're undeserving. <quiver> It's not freaking
FAIR. <wail>
Aderyn: Aw, Skullywully, don't cry. Your mascara's running and you look
like a bloomin' racoon.
Skull: s<ob> But I want to...I wanna...I WANNA GO TO FEST. It's not fair.
I wanna meet evvybody an' sing pretty songs an' drink Scullyritas an'
ennertain evvybody wi' my accent, an' see Autumn an' Rania an'
evvybody an' eat lard. I WANNA EAT LARD, DAMMIT <wail>
Aderyn: Skull. Shut the hell up.
Skull: <hic> 'k.
Aderyn: ONLIST

Although "Bland-X" began leisurely and padded its way through the
majority of the episode, it gained pace as it neared its climax. The action
moved away from the tender, intimate excesses around Mulder's gurney
to an angsty scene in downtown Winston-Salem. Skinner, Scully, an
entomologist deer, and... what the hell, Krycek, gathered for a stakeout in
a last ditch attempt to prevent those recalcitrant Morleys from inflicting
further terror upon the populace.

1013 have created many heinous villains in their time (CSM, Queequeg,
Donnie Pfaster, Chris Carter...), but they outdid themselves with their
creation for "Brand-X". This reviewer certainly can't remember more
fearful evildoers than The Smokes. They eventually descended upon
their pray in Winston-Salem by strutting their stuff around the town,
menacingly manipulating the locals into taking a puff.

Skull: Go on - you'll look *so* kewl.
Aderyn: You'll be the most popular kid in school.
Skull: You'll look just like Gillian Anderson.
Aderyn: Really?...um
Skull: Now what?
Aderyn: Pass me a ciggy wouldja?... thanks, darlin'.

There were few survivors in the aftermath of the Invasion of The Smokes.
In fact there were six - a squirrel eating a cheeto, a doctor caught mid
wrestle with some Jell-O, and the stakeout team, whose mouths were all
very *busy* during the invasion. 1013 were probably wise to use a soft
focus lens for the scene in which a Scully and team were revealed - safe
from harm, a little out of breath, but blissfully unaware of their
surroundings, and the wrongdoing that had transpired. That risque, and
sensuously blurry shot was worth the price of admission for this reviewer
at least.

Skull: It's funny how Scully always knows when to wear a skirt, ain't it.

The moral of the story became evident after this climactic scene - have
lots of sex, and if you're not getting any, then eat snacks.

Skull: Stay safe out there, kids.
Aderyn: Keep your mouths <splutter> occupied at all times <cough>
Skull: Ad? You okay with that cigarette?
Aderyn: Shaddup.

There are certain viewers who no doubt felt that "Bland-X" concluded
with an appropriate closing shot - of a rumpled pack of Morleys in a trash
can. An arguably fitting shot to be sure, however also an unremittingly
negative one. This episode did bear many gifts, and was full of the joys of
spring...it just hid it well. Really, really well. So freakin' well that certain
reviewers have felt the need to embellish, and have gone so far as to
fabricate events so that they'd have something to write about.

Skull: Despicable. You'd never catch me doing a thing like that.

We at SVYRDMUL eagerly await next week's episode, that should
engender much discussion, gnashing of teeth, and OT:DD posts. Batten
down the hatches, don your flame resistant wimples, keep those mouths
occupied, and we'll see you next week.

-end