Severed Review: "all things"
By Skullhead

"all things" was an episode written and directed by Gillian Anderson.

-end


Aderyn: And?
Skull: What, you think I need to say more?
Aderyn: Hmm. Point taken, but I think you need to elaborate just a tad
further. For form's sake.
Skull: Form? This is the first time in three weeks that a review has hit the list.
Aderyn: Thanks so much for pointing that out. Yes, did everybody hear
that? WE'RE SLACK. Now, please feel free to move on. It's so obvious
that your wit is in a decline when you resort to meaningless dialogue after
only one sentence of actual review.
Skull: Wit? I have wit? Kewl.

This refreshingly Scullycentric outing involved the return of blond-
ponytailed Esther Nairn, who had been mysteriously reincarnated as a
Buddha. After showing up in Mulder's fish tank, Esther told Scully that
TBO's former squeeze, Sam Waterston, was dying in hospital after a
wisdom tooth operation had gone horribly wrong. Compassionate Scully
rushed to his bedside, only to find that the schmuck had fathered both
her sister Melissa and her mother Maggie. Go figure.

Aderyn: Sheesh. I know this episode brought up some serious Electra
issues, but this is getting positively Olympian.
Skull: Okay, confess...you said that just to sound intellectual, didn't you?
Aderyn: You tell me. You're writing this dialogue.
Skull: Oh, right. Well, yes, you did.

Encountering her twitching toyboy again caused our saint to question her
life's decisions. Luckily she decided that they were fine, and ran off to
bonk Mulder. Somewhere in the middle of the episode there was stuff
about Scully collecting knickknacks and ditching her life's beliefs for a
shot at New Age healing. By the end she had forsaken her cross for a
groovy crystal and had decorated the basement office with astrology
charts. As a more practical hobby, she had also begun giving Saturday
classes on breast adjustment as a symbolic representation of female
empowerment.

Aderyn: Hey, hold it right there. It was an admirable effort, but you did not
succeed in getting that bonking thing past me. They didn't do the rumpy-
pumpy. Nuh-uh.
Skull: Oh, c'mon. They so did. She wasn't even wearing pantyhose.
And she dressed with the door open, for chrissake.
Aderyn: That means nothing. She dressed with the door open in "Never
Again" too, if you recall.
Skull: Exactly.
Aderyn: ...oh, crap.
Skull: Yeah. I hope everyone sent flowers to Loa, because they did it.
Bonked. Boinked. Buffed the muffin. Expanded their horizons. Reached
the pinnacle of ecstasy. Fulfilled and completed their special everlasting
bond. Yadda yadda yadda, call it what you want, but They Had Sex.
Period.
Aderyn: Well, you don't have to be quite so adamant about it.
Skull: Yeah I do.
Aderyn: Oh, phnar.

While some did not care for the episode (freaks), everyone in the Abbey
was surely excited by the blatant OBSSE references littering the episode.
The nuns, margarita mix, Blair Witch references and frequently
expressed beliefs in Toast philosophy could perhaps be passed off as
coincidences, but no one can dispute the scene where Scully, clad in
holy garb, settled down for some Funliquor with a figure enigmatically
referred to as the Duchess, then proceeded to visit some friends in a
mysterious GG spire. All this was capped off with Scully's plume-stole'd
encounter with a unkind-yet-sedate mullet farm manager named Winter.
It weren't subtle. But we liked it.

Aderyn: Skull, there's something on your nose.
Skull: Oh, shaddup.
Aderyn: Are you going to talk about the whole GA-as-lurker thing?
Skull: I was just about to, before I was so rudely interrupted.
Aderyn: Well, I don't think you should. It really has no place in a review of
the episode.
Skull: Oh. Can we talk about it here? In the dialogue?
Aderyn: Hmm. Well, yes, I don't see why not. This dialogue never has
anything to do with the episode anyway. It usually focuses on your hair.
Skull: Or else the multiple injuries to my head.
Aderyn: Same thing.
Skull: Nasty. Well, do you think Gillian is a lurker?
Aderyn: No. I think she posts.
Skull: Oooh, intriguing. Who do you think she is?
Aderyn: There is no question in my mind. Who is it who mysteriously
knows everything about upcoming episodes? Who is it who is so
anxious that her spoilers should not be leaked? Who is it who rules us all
with a fist of trout and a heart of demurity?
Skull: Oh my God! You think Autumn is Gillian?!
Aderyn: No.
Skull: Oh. <sigh>
Aderyn: I think Autumn is Gillian's boob adjuster.

[Skull THUDs]

Aderyn: Oh, come now. Do you really think that was worth a thud?
Skull: <goofy smile> Duh. Yes. Hey um...hand me my comprehensively
literate reviewer persona would ya?...thanks. Duh.

The episode was greatly enhanced by an obscure soundtrack by
Scully's favourite artist, Moby Dick. In a strikingly original concept, whale
sounds occurred every time a significant moment transpired in TBO's life.
Although they tended to be a little too loud, often blocking out large slabs
of dialogue (much like certain fans managed to block out Travelers), the
thought was a good one and I personally hope Anderson will recycle the
concept for her upcoming punk rock video, in which she is rumoured to
be performing a version of "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty.
Reports have it that her backup vocalists will include a variety of furry
animals.

Aderyn: Hey. Maybe Bambi and friends will be among them.
Skull: That would only work for me if Scully took out a bazooka at the
conclusion of the song and blew the liddle suckers to smithereens.
Aderyn: Skull! That's just cruel. You really shouldn't vent your
prematurely jaded bitterness on poor little flea-ridden varmints.
Skull: Bambi is evil, I tell you. I'm certain she is a creation of the FFs.
Aderyn: That's taking it a bit too far. Even Nancy's stomach has its limits.
Skull: Womb. Not stomach. Womb.
Aderyn: Ew, I didn't mean that. Ew. Oh, EW.
Skull: Aw, get over it. You're just snarky because your language is
derived from the mating calls of the aforesaid furry animals.
Aderyn: ...I am no longer speaking to you. That was completely uncalled for.
Skull: Oh, come on, I didn't mean anything by it. You can say something
about Australian originating from magpie screeches if you like.
Aderyn: Was it?
Skull: Probably.

This ep's Mysterious Thingo of the Week was a large cylindrical object
that Mulder packed in his suitcase. Guesses regarding its identity were a-
plenty. Could it be an elongated Flowbee? A really really big coffee
thermos? A penis enlarger? Or, considering that he was en route to
England, a tube designed to hold Phoebe Green's blood and/or other
assorted bodily fluids?

Aderyn: Much as I like that one, I must put an end to the speculation. The
mysterious large cylindrical object was in fact a tube containing
autographed posters...did I mention that Mulder actually turned up at the
UK 'thon?
Skull: And survived?
Aderyn: We had our wicked way with him.
Skull: Oooh...duh...
Aderyn: Hey, quit drooling on me. Don't worry, we bashed him up a bit
afterwards...not in the vital areas, you'll be glad and gloating to know.
Skull: That, I suppose, is something. So the crop circles were just an
excuse?
Aderyn: Well, not exactly. He um...he sorta, erm, taught us how to use a,
a, a Flowbee...
Skull: Oh deah gott. Let me see your head...hey, it's not so bad. Very
Sigourney Weaver.

[Skull laughs hysterically]

Aderyn: <sob> You're cruel.
Skull: Crew-el, did you say? <snicker>

Gillian Anderson, known to her friends and total unacquaintances as
Gilly-Lilly-Poopy-Doopy-Honey-Bunny-Ding-Dong, gave an inspired
performance as a saint torn between a yummy punk and a comatose
geezer. David Duchovny was equally impressive in the kind of role he
does best - limited. However, this week's Super Kudos must go to Sam
Waterston as himself, who brought wonderful truth to his role as a man
long obsessed with Scully.

Aderyn: Hey. Sure Waterston isn't on the list too?
Skull: Next week on The X-Files: Waterston Expounds on Scully's Shoes.
Aderyn: Expounds? On her shoes? <smirk> Poor girl.

"all things" was a bright and beautiful ep that contained many different
things, all of them of considerable interest to GA...erm, Scully fanatics.
Character growth spewed over the screen as Scully's constipated karma
was unleashed in an enlightened 45 minutes.

Aderyn: Pass me a tissue, wouldja?

It has now been firmly established that the actors on XF are better
writers, directors, sound editors, cinematographers, tea makers, and
more feng shui compliant than those originally hired for the positions. If
season eight rears its ugly head next fall, it's good to know that there is
such a pool of talent available to keep us supplied with juicy delights.

Aderyn: I can't wait for Nick Lea's episode. "Ass, ass, ass, my glorious
three foot ass."
Skull: Yum. Or what about Mitch Pileggi's "The WHPBD and me - how I
learned to live with that prancy clone and love it."

We choose to believe that "all things" was a gift; a gift to the Abbey for
remaining so slavishly devoted to a fictional character despite all the hair
issues of late. We at SVYRDMUL would like to thank Gillian for being so
generous...no really. Thank you, Gillywilly, we know you're reading this...

Aderyn: Has she revealed herself yet?
Skull: No. Say something to make her speak up.
Aderyn: Gillian? Will there be a season nine?
Skull: Gillian? Do you hate Duchovny? I mean, do you really hate him?
Aderyn: Gillian? Tell us about your life as a green-haired punk.
Skull: Gillian, tell us all about your daughter. We want to plaster her
picture EVerywhere.
Aderyn: That ought to do it.
Skull: You'd think so, anyway.

Note: Gillian, if you're out there, we would really appreciate a couple of
autographed pictures sent to SVYRDMUL Incorporated. And while you're
at it, how about some nude ones of Pileggi and Lea too? Thanks, you're
a doll.

If the phone dude shows up at Aderyn's house, there will most likely be a
review of "Brand X" sometime this month. If he doesn't, she will forever
disappear into realtime and will never be heard from again. Don't worry,
I's workin' on it.

-end