Issue No.* The it's-so-freakin'-good-it's-timeless edition
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Issue No.* The it's-so-freakin'-good-it's-timeless edition
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Welcome to this most special edition of News for the OBSSEsed: A rogue, takeover publication, brought to you by the Badasses Who Were Left Behind. I can promise you that you will find much of interest as you peruse this tome. The Fest Depraved...I mean Deprived have united to bring you the bestest, sickest newsletter eVaH!! Several columnists have selflessly plummeted to uncharted depths - unleashing previously dormant pseudo-intellectual-pissy-downright-evil-SICK words and pictures for your delectation. Read onwards, friends and enemies and those who don't give a damn, for there is something for everyone in this It's-So-Freakin'-Good-It's-Timeless Edition. Marvel at Serin's celebrity connections. Gasp as you read about Skull's near miss encounters with GA and <cough> DD. Wonder at the pervacious Squat's unparalleled dirty mind. Swoon at ScottyC as he gets ranty with it. Have your worst fears confirmed as CC explains it all. Prepare to be dazzled at the depths of corruptness that Elder Colin stoops for your entertainment. Worry about the sanity of the lovely Becky as you glimpse at the Sock Puppet, and play Hang!Autumn. Relax as you read a tale about teaspoons, courtesy of 'Dubh. Let Kristin tell you what *really* happened at Fest, while Ataraxia wanders (read: snoops) the hallowed halls of the OBSSE Abbey with a picklock and an attitude. All this <heh heh> and much, much more. You may well be asking yourself at this point "WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS??? WHY?" Well, erm. . .let me think about this for a second. . .um, Oh yeah! Because *everyone* knows that the first step of a kickass takeover bid is to commandeer communications. . .and because Lens said we'd never do it. YeeHaw.
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D E S I G N & G R A P H I C S
R E G U L A R C O L U M N I S T S
News for the OBSSEsed is usually a monthly publication of the Order of The Blessed St.Scully the Enigmatic...
this edition is a little different, and completely UNOFFICIAL ;)
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By Sister Skull Well, this month has sure been an eventful one in the Abbey, with the chief event being the mass exodus of most of our members. But look on the bright side, folks – you've got us now, and we're planning some huge changes in the way things are run around here. New Council of Elders With the mysterious disappearance of four of our elders, we've elected ourselves a new council. The role of Head Honcho will rotate between myself and Aderyn, depending on who is in current possession of The Club. The one who is not will be in charge of the newsletter, since that job's piss-easy anyway. The mythical Elder of Membership role will be taken over by Serin. We're sure she will find us many new and exciting recruits from her Mensa group. We are also pleased to announce the employment of the Pokemon animators as our new Elders of Graphics and Design. Colin will retain his role as Elder of Boxer Shorts and will be assisted ably in his <cough> tasks by Squat, and we are delighted to announce a new position – Elder of Ultimate Evil – which will be filled by NFF and understudied on occasion by Scott, who will also run the Juvenile Delinquents department. Expansion of the Wine Cellar We all know that it's all about the alcohol, so we've decided to demolish such obsolete Abbey landmarks as Autumn's study, the Hall of Martyrs, and the Chapel. These will be replaced with the Tequila Chamber, the Vodka Vestibule, and the Sector of Totally Ferschnickered Orgies. We feel that these new additions will be of great benefit to the Abbey community. Changes to the Mailing List In a new and exciting development, the new council of elders has opted to reopen the mailing list to new members. Official invitations have already been dispatched to two much loved members of ATXF, and we look forward to welcoming SpedoGrrrrl and MoUldeR'sChiK into our community. Just because these delightful cyberfans insist that SkULy iS a fAt UgGlY CoW, doesn't mean they're not devout nuns at heart. A Community Wedding We are overjoyed to announce the engagement of two of our most beloved members. Sister Sarah Gillian and Brother Il Pilgrino will be united in holy matrimony as soon as the groom has completed his teething process. Attendants at the wedding will include Britney Spears and Tori Spelling, chosen to honor the memory of Auttom Tiscko, our former leader. The Enigmatic Lingerie Auction The mammarial attire of Gillian Anderson will be held up for auction at the end of the month. It is sad that our illustrious former leader's house had to be swept away by a flood of Duchovny testosterone for these garments to be recovered from her pillowcase, but quite frankly we'll take what we can get. Especially recommended is the Armpitizer for an especially perky look (you won't even have to shave anymore) and the large collection of Giant Boob One Breath Hospital Scene Maternity Bras, complete with stretch marks and God Awful Hair.
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(Fest Version) To the tune of "Think of Me" From "Phantom of the Opera" By Skull Think of me When Minnesota all you nuns espy. Remember me Writing exams and trying not to cry. When you're reveling in Elder bliss Or FF-based insanity, If you ever find a moment Spare a thought for me. I know you think I can't right-blend a drink – I shoot to hell the recipe. But at Fest, Autumn would Make 'ritas just for me. Think of all the nuns that you have seen. I'm stuck with Aussie freaks Who think I'm mean. Think of me Musing that prancy's really not so bad. Imagine me Dreaming of lard and slowly going mad. Recall that beer you got in hopes of cheer- ing Autumn so she'd favor you. There will never be an Elder I can suck up to! Can it be Chatroom is empty?! Nuns at Fest, I wish you all the best – I think I'll go and have a fit. So enjoy the severed parcel – It's a load of sh- We never said that you would send me tickets So I'd come across the sea. But please promise me that sometimes You will think of me! |
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By Colin
Saturday, June 24 ------------------
3PM
I had been looking forward to a nice, laid-back weekend alone - you see, the
other Elders were all going to Minnesota, and I would enjoy the peace and
quiet around the Abbey, not to mention sole access to the blender and the
pool floaties (rank hath its privileges, after all).
Little did I know what I was in for.
Below, then, is the journal I have kept during my, um, "experiences" of this
weekend. Autumn, Paula, Lens, La.., if you're reading this, do know that I
did everything possible to avoid this fate, to say nothing of keeping the
Fest-less siblings out of...well, *those* areas of the Abbey. But, well,
that's what you get for going off and leaving me in charge. In addition to
which, they made me a better offer.
Anyway, I was drugged - but I get ahead of myself...
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4:30PM
Ah, bliss! This afternoon, the exodus of the Elders finished, and I had the
run of the abbey's wine cellar - er, meditation rooms. So, with Jimi
Hendrix blaring from the Law Offices, I decided to have a little fun. It
was all quite dignified, of course.
 Hidden cameras captured what must be one of the lowest points in the Abbey's history 4:45PM How odd. As "All Along the Watchtower" wrapped up, I could swear I heard the door to Autumn's study open. I checked, but there was no one. Nevertheless, I decided to put my pants back on, just in case. One must maintain a certain decorum in front of the Siblings. 4:46PM Okay, perhaps "decorum" is a lost cause, at this point. 5:30PM It's good to be the king. The siblings, particularly that very nice Sister Aderyn, have been plying me with 'ritas for the last 45 minutes. Aderyn's last one was a little strong though...I'm feeling a little woozy... (Some time later) oh cra9p. they got me big time. i'ver beenm tasken prisxoner, and am currently locked in the l.aw ofvfices. i'mm managijnhg to type this onm my laptop dsdespite thje ropes around my wrists, but suuffice it to say, my nosxe is starting to hurt like hgell ./. 8:30PM Well, I'm finally out of the office, having shimmied through an air duct. The sounds of raucous celebration are coming from somewhere in the vicinity of the hot tub. I'd better see what's going on. 8:33PM Deah gott, they're in Autumn's study!! Sister Ataraxia is even playing with the Holy Undergarment - oh dear, there go the drycleaning bills. I can't let this go on . . . 8:35PM damnmit,m ik'm back in the law office again. adertyn's qyuuickier than she
looks. stronfger too. Saturday, June 24 -----------------
11AM
Alright, I'm back out again. Now I must find out exactly what they're up
to - as long as they keep out of Room 314.
11:02AM
Crap, they found room 314. Autumn, I tried to keep your double identity a
secret - sadly, before I could torch the "After" pic of Autumn, I was chased
away by Aderyn. I have to get back in there, if for no other reason than my
surgically-enhanced cheekbones need maintenance.
12:05PM
Captured again. This time, however, they have not locked me away. Aderyn
and Skull have instead offered me a position on their new Elders council.
What nonsense - they won't even give me any responsibilities - I'm just
supposed to stand there and look pretty.
12:06PM
Having realized that the old elders won't give me any responsibilities
either, I've decided to take Aderyn & Skull up on their offer. They even
let me design one of the new rooms we're putting in (though Serin expressed
some doubt about whether the mirrors were too expensive - I tried to point
out that we were cutting costs with the naugahyde, but some people just
won't give you a break.) And so, we have a new Elders Council. I must
say, though, I'm not sure about that graphics design person...
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take advantage of a certain esteemed elder's absence and have some fun at her expense? Wanna Play? Go HERE! by Sister Exsanguinate & Sister Imalla Tingle Velvety Trout Spread This is a finger-lickin' scale-ticklin' treat for any festive occasion! One large rainbow trout One package of Velveeta (processed cheeselike substance) One can of lard Oregano Lemon zest Cayenne pepper Saffron(pinch) Fresh mint A blender Scale, clean, and cook the trout in the lard until fork-flaky. Save the head and tail for garnish. Warm up the Velveeta until it glows in the dark, or reaches a melty consistency, whichever comes first. Put trout, Velveeta, and spices into the blender and hit "Puree." Serve attractively in a chafing dish with head and tail arranged decoratively around the sides, preferably with the trout making a smiley face! Serves: anyone brave enough to eat it. Ooh-La-Lardsicles! Just in time for Summer, we have this delicious frozen treat! You'll need: 1 can of grade-a GOURMET lard Chocolate syrup Strawberries Flavored Italian syrups Various hard liquors (rum, whisky, tequila etc) Food coloring Popsicle sticks and those little plastic popsicle molds A freezer Warm the lard up until it's liquidy soft. Add whatever flavors you like, fresh fruit, syrup, etc. Make it fun with food coloring! Pour the flavored lard into the molds and add the sticks. Put in freezer for 5 or 6 hours. Remove from mold by running it briefly under hot water. Try one. Take a shot of hard liquor to get the taste out of your mouth. Serves: anyone of legal drinking age ;) Are you trouted often? Are your wounds still stinging? Ignorance is the root of pain. Know your aggressor. Find out why he attacks. Understand his feelings. And discover how you can kill him. 
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