G'day Mulder, it's me

By Sister Skullhead

Many of you are aware that I reside in the country of thermometer- smashing temperatures, cartoon-character politicians and strangely deformed wildlife, otherwise known as Australia. It is less commonly known that I was in fact born in Canada, and recently spent two months there becoming acquainted with my relatives. I will never forget this experience. I know because I have tried quite hard.

During the course of my stay, I spent a week with my cousin in Ottawa. I was privileged to become acquainted with her friends, who managed to update my mental dictionary's definition of insane. At one point, one of these friends inquired what American TV shows were exported to Australia. I answered (a few good shows and lots of crap, in case you're wondering) and then I was asked an intriguing question...

"Are they dubbed in Australian?"

Once my hysterical laughter had subsided, I began to ponder the implications of this poorly informed inquiry. I soon arrived at the conclusion that a TV show dubbed in Australian would be a rather amusing novelty. The Australian language is a wonderful thing. We have interchangeable vowels and our R's turn up in the most creative places imaginable. Our teeth remain closed at all times, as do our noses in some cases. Animals receive the rough end of the stick, as everything negative is compared to wildlife in one way or another. Every word is abbreviated, and gratuitous swearing is inserted into a sentence wherever possible. That is not to say that we have a poor grasp of English. We just have a different take on it, much like Americans with their personal vendetta against the letter U.

And so, dearest sibliren, you are about to experience your cultural lesson for this year and receive an answer to the burning question, "Would Scully sound as good if she were Australian?"

Let us take a simple example to begin with. In Deep Throat, Scully's pearl of wisdom was "Mulder, you're crazy." Depending on the level of perceived insanity, this sentence can have a variety of translations. A simple interpretation would be "Mulder, you're berko." However, this is quite a poor effort when all is considered. At the very least, the great Australian adjective (not considered profanity over here) should be included, making Scully's comment, "Mulder, you're bloody berko." Even this lacks colour. More creative choices would be:

• "Mulder, you're barmy as a bloody bandicoot,"
• "Mulder, you're bent as a bloody scrub tick,"
• "Mulder, you're off your bloody kadoova," and
• "Strewth, Mulder, you've got bloody kangaroos in your bloody top paddock."

All of these expressions would be perfectly acceptable transliterations. However, in the great Australian tradition, Mulder would be required to come back with an equally witty rejoinder, with relevance of course being optional. Examples:

• "What the bloody hell's crawlin' on you, Scully?"
• "Aw, nickywoop, Scully,"
• "Put a cork in it, Scully,"
• "Go dip your eye in hot cocky cack, Scully," and
• "For crying out loud, Scully, for a bushfire blonde sheila who's no more'n knee-high to a grasshopper you've sure twigged onta chuckin' the wobblies."

Let us take another straightforward example. In Fight the Future, Scully's saintly query was, "Are you drunk, Mulder?" It is important to note that the state of intoxication is a very common one in Australia, so there are of course many adjectives to describe such a condition. Here are some illustrations for your enlightenment:

• "Are you paralytic, Mulder?"
• "Are you shickered, Mulder?"
• "Are you stonkered, Mulder?"
• "Mulder, are you as pissed as a possum?"
• "Are you as full as a fairy's phone book, Mulder?"
• "Mulder, are you under the affluence of inkahol?" and of course,
• "Cripes, Mulder, you got a face like a chook's arse. Anyone'd think you were lit up like a bloody Christmas tree."

Once the simple renditions have been mastered, one can address the more complex sentences. In Detour, our saint let loose with a little innuendo: "I must remind you that this goes against the Bureau's policy of male and female agents consorting in the same hotel room while on assignment." This is a reasonably intricate sentence; let us take each phrase on its own. "I must remind you" is really an unnecessary component of the sentence, since tact has no place in the Australian vernacular. If one really wanted to include a translation, options would be:

• "Tell ya what,"
• "Cripes," and
• "Onya."

"Goes against the bureau's policy," is a straightforward matter; it paraphrases easily into "pulls a swifty on the bloody wallopers." "Male and female agents" becomes simply "bloke and sheila blues." The vital part of the translation lies in the word "consorting." Australia has no use for euphemisms; this phrase clearly refers to sexual interaction, and thus we are presented with some colourful options:

• "arsing around"
• "buffin' the muffin"
• "camping like a row of tents" and
• "banging like a dunny door in a gale" are the most popular.

A hotel room is a "lamb-down shop" and being "on assignment" becomes "doin' the hard yakka." Thus, Scully's comment becomes: "Tell ya what, the dekko's that bloke and sheila blues banging like a dunny door in a gale in a lamb-down shop while doin' the hard yakka really pulls a swifty on the bloody wallopers." Impressive, is it not?

I will leave you with one last example to conclude your cultural cognizance for today. In Quagmire, our saint affectionately informed her partner, "You're so consumed by your own personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or its mysteries, that everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology." Even coming from Scully, this was quite a mouthful. My apologies, sibliren -- I require a moment to cogitate upon this one.

I regret that my conclusion is this: Australians are simply not that articulate, and Scully's sentence is lamentably untranslatable. If Scully were in fact a resident of Australia, she would simply have returned to our original prototype and remarked,

• "Mulder, you're bloody berko."

This concludes your cultural instruction. It is my hope that you will take time to ponder upon your lesson. It's all fair dinkum, mates, all wool and a yard wide. No worries.