1a: I went to the US to meet up with some cyber-friends. They broke me.

1b: "You're doing what??? You're flying to the US to stay with complete strangers that you met over the Internet!!! AAARrrrghhhhhh" (Aderyn's mother)

Curiosity got the better of me. I decided to empty my bank account and fly to the US, to meet up with virtual strangers I'd met in this pseudo-religious Cyber-Abbey (that worship a fictional character from this TV show we all watch). Yes, I actually did that.

My own concerns about my voyage were slightly different in focus. Would I be able to say "ya'll" like a native? What was the proper way to eat a Cheeto? Was I expected to wear a wimple when meeting members of my cult? Would I have a <shudder> close encounter with a Disney character? (What?!... I think it's perfectly fine to fear a freakily overgrown mouse that struts around in red underpants for a living.) And most of all, if I were to happen to meet GA, which part of my body would I let her grope in our photo op? I hear that shoulders are so passé now?

I managed to put these concerns to one side, and feeling stuffed to the brim with daring-do, I packed my bags and headed off for Heathrow airport - a prance in my step, a TicTac in my mouth and a Scully Finger Puppet on my hand (aka substitute for Severed PI, until we were reunited).

At the airport they upgraded me to First Class! They obviously mistook me for either a classy chick, a Very Important Cyber Nun, or a delusional who needed a little pampering. WhatEVer the reason I'm sure you'll all be glad to know that I took full advantage of the excellent snacks, and beverages on offer as the aeroplane flew over that large pond called the Atlantic.

Oh yeah, the 'plane didn't crash. Kewl.

1c: How does a Scullyist recognise a Scullyist?

Mandy met me at JFK airport. Or rather she stomped right past me, unaware that I was standing a few meters away.

I remember looking at her carefully, and thinking that she might possibly be The One™ - she had an impressive mane of curly hair, which was topped by an Indigo Girls cap, but her feet were clothed, so I had a moment of doubt. However I watched the way she manoeuvred her way around the airport with such purpose and efficiency, and her Scully-like confidence when addressing the airport staff that I knew that this was one of my people. ;) I ran after her with my luggage, nearly took out a few pedestrians in my haste and with my WHPBD-esque running. I eventually caught up with her, and told her "Mandy! It's me!... you know! ME!!...Aderyn!!!" We clicked that we had found each other, and gratefully realised that nobody had been there with a camera to document our chase around the airport.

2: Bovine-tastic times in NYC

Mandy and I made our way into Manhattan, and met Jean Jean the Pranciest of Machines at a train station. She was mercifully free of prance at this time, but there was a glint in her eye that made me think that she had committed a heinous sequin-related crime. However I managed to banish this evil thought to the darkest reaches of my mind and proceeded to be charmed by her, her tales of tap-dancing, and by her ability to cross a road without almost dying (note to self: must write to Jean and thank her for saving my life.)

The next person to collect was ScottyC, who was travelling to the city for his first OBSSE gathering. The three of us looked around for someone optimistic, and our eyes collectively fell upon a young man who looked quizzically (but optimistically <g>) in our direction. With the lovely Scott present and accounted for, we began our stroll around NYC. And so we walked, and walked and walked around the Big Apple, stopping for snacks, and tacky souvenirs, to gaze at fibreglass cows, and a giant puppy dog made of flowers <Aderyn salutes Jeff Koons>.

Who'd a thunk that NYC would be so rustic in its charms? Who'd a thunk that on each street corner there would be a herd of cattle mooching about, and that their food products (i.e the dreaded ice cream) would be available anyplace, anywhere (all the freakin' time <sob>). Yes, as I had suspected, when you dine with OBSSEsors, you dine well. I was introduced to a number of culinary "delights" during my day in NYC - Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream <bleugh>, Cheetos <yum>, NYC pizza, Root Beer, and the like.

However the pinnacle of my gastronomic experience came later that night, when we four made our way to the "Cowgirl Hall of Fame" to get acquainted with NYC based sibliren, and the Boston Heads (Anji, Meff and Dave). It was wonderful to meet the estimable La..dee..f***ing..da, Hannibal, who joined us via a cell phone, and Nina"You're not all serial killers? Kewl"Shishkoff, along with several other NYC philes. And so we eat and drank - the 'ritas they were so right-blended, that they alone would have satisfied my palette, and they even came with liddle plastic cows on the rim of the glasses. How right is that?! The rest of the fare was equally good, well it was all good until I was given a plate of ice cream cunningly disguised as a baked potato. What tricksters.

Talking of tricksters, Jean Jean decided that my PI could be returned to me whilst we dined on food that cowgirls like to chow down on (apparently). I was handed my beloved in a cardboard box, and with trembling fingers I opened the lid, only to be confronted with the most disturbing of sights. My freakin' PI, that had been to Fest without me (damn her!) was covered in sequins. Oh fer breaking my heart. I don't think I'll ever recover from the sight of The (miniature) Club ™ all red and sparkly.

Other stuff must have happened in NYC, but I can't remember because I was so jet-lagged that it's all a blur. I'm almost certain that everyone was delightful, and New York was the city of my dreams, but I can't be too sure. ;)

3: The Philadelphia Stories

Philly was the next stop, and a stay at Mandy's house, with its Bryn Mawr lanterns, and rickety roof (where you can watch the stars at night).

I spent three wonderful days in Philly, and was able to take many *little notes* that will no doubt come in useful at some later date. The Eastern State Penitentiary was the first stop on my tour of the city, where I witnessed some first-rate isolation cells (note to self: must write to the elders, and suggest some renovation work) and an impressive aura of evil. Made me feel right at home, dontcherknow.

Next stop: The Mutter Museum, filled with weird pathological and medical oddities, including sickeningly lifelike wax models of tumours and infections. It was here that I stumbled upon the finest display of trepanned Skulls, I mean skulls, I've ever seen. Again, I took notes. Copious notes. Saint Scully, aka She Who Lurves to Slice and Dice Diseased Corpses, would have been proud.

Mandy was an excellent hostess, I'm sure none of you are surprised to discover. She kept me entertained by telling me tales of Fest, by pouring a never-ending supply of tea, and by showing me around Bryn Mawr College. Oh, and she tried to recreate a Fest highlight for me, by getting all tied up (a la Orison!Scully) and trying to free herself from this predicament by contorting her body, and rolling around on the floor. All I remember is that there were legs everywhere, and lots of hair. Lots and lots of hair, that kept me from viewing this wondrous spectacle.

What else to say about Mandy? Well, her phrase of choice was "oh fer f**k" which she uttered with glee at every opportunity. She was almost as bad at crossing a road as I was. She had an impressive arsenal of dance moves which she demonstrated all the time, everywhere. But most of all, she was lovely. So damn lovely that I wanted to stuff her in my bag and take her with me for the remainder of my travels. :) Unfortunately she's got too much hair, so I sadly concluded that she wouldn't fit. Dang.

4: Boston

I met AJ on a train. *Yes*, we both managed to be on the right train at the right time. Impressive? Hell, I'm so proud of myself that I think I deserve a plaque. One of those official OBSSE plaques that I can show to other people and NEENER them about. Ya know? Anyway, it was delightful to see AJ again, and she gave me a bottle of Cheerwine, that did indeed make me feel very cheery (read: hyper). That stuff's *good.*

I think now is a good time to share with you some ghoulishly self-obsessed, narcissistic news about myself: I'm the world's best darts player. <Aderyn waits patiently for AJ, Anji, Meff, Cathy, and Colin to stop laughing> Oh alright, I told a liddle falsehood in that last sentence... I'm probably the world's worst darts player evah, and proud. It's not everyone who can say that when aiming for Diana Fowley's left nipple (The Foul One's picture was stuck to the board) they manage to miss the target completely, get the dart to ricochet off the ceiling and hit an innocent soft-toy in the head... KILLING IT DEAD.

Let's just say that I suspect the Boston Crew are glad that they survived my visit. And, I'm really glad that none of them were accidentally trepanned by one of my wayward spears of doom - cuz Skull would have been so freakin' jealous if I'd have started to litter other people's craniums with holes, my life wouldn't have been worth living (she's like that).
In my defence, I must say that I'm usually such a good shot, and that it was the altitude that made me take a turn for the worse <cough>. My second option is to blame that elder/bartender Colin, who purchased a Real American Beer™ for me, and told me that it was *goooood*. Better, even, than bad crack. I believed him...I'm so freakin' gullible sometimes. Things weren't the same after a few sips of that <hic> stuff. I suspect a conspiracy.

Maybe I should backtrack a little?

AJ and I were staying with One out of the Three Boston ScullyHeads, Anji, but Meff was there so much that I should amend that to say we stayed with almost Two out of the Three Boston ScullyHeads. And then, now I think about it, Dave was there a lot too, so I guess, that makes Three.

We were joined on our first evening by Colin and the lovely RantyB. The aim of the evening? To talk, eat food, watch TV, throw darts at Fowely's hooters, and try out the waterbed in the basement - a fantabulous agenda I think you'll agree. I got to watch 'Survivor' for the first time (GRETCHEN!!!!!!), to drink a beer given to me by the bartender, and to compete in the "let’s kill Fowley" darts deathmatch.

Meff set the tone for the match by playing "Beyond the Sea" as background music - the dulcet tones of Bobby Darin a soothing contrast to the cries of "I've hit nipple!" that accompanied every other throw.

The waterbed was a fine resting place in-between shots, as assorted Boston Crew rode with the ebb and flow of the fluid mattress (which, I might add is not always a good idea when one has consumed some alcoholic beverages...I'm just saying). Where was AJ when all this was going on? Well she was upstairs, drinking "lemonade" and getting busy sending drunken emails to unsuspecting listmembers. <g>

I'm not sure who won the match. Was it Cathy, who got progressively nearer the areolae with each throw? Was it Colin, whose poise, and elder status meant that he always hit the board? Was it Meff, who looked the part with a cigarette burning at her haiku-forming lips? Or was it Anji who threw the mini spears at the Hooters of Doom with such grace (and with an evil glint in her eye)? I know not. All I know is that it probably wasn't me. ;)

The next day, four of us (Anji, Meff, AJ and myself) went to Salem, Massachusetts to check out the witchcraft capital of the world. We roamed the streets, found an amazing graveyard, and lots of ghoulishly-themed stores. We ended our day over some fine food, and another contest (you'd think we had supremacy issues or something). We took a leaf out of Audrey Horn's book - and saw who could tie the stems of cherries into knots using only their mouths. No quibbles over the winner of this contest, Sister Anji has quite the talented tongue.

5: New Orleans

What to say about New Orleans, that Bead hasn't already said? <g> Well, my first memory is standing at an empty luggage carousel with AJ, both of us hoping that at any moment we would be reunited with our bags. Unfortunately, our luggage had been stolen by that ghoulish space-time continuum vortex monster thingy that regularly swallows unsuspecting travellers bags. Damn, we'd been foiled again!

I didn’t care about losing my clothes, or other personal belongings, but my beloved Severed!PI was now gone... and we'd only just been reunited! Woe was me. However Bead and Charissa then turned up and proceeded to take our minds away from such sobering matters, and onto more important things...like food. Yup, you can always rely on OBSSEsors to remind you that whenever bad things happen, a good snack can make it better.

Next Stop: Baton Rouge 'Wal-Mart' to buy emergency underwear and toiletries. I'd heard the name whispered in hushed tones, I'd heard tale of these 24-hour bastions of budget shopping, and finally I was able to see it for myself. I was suitably overwhelmed by the range of produce on offer. There were...wait for it... underpants for 88cents. I bought a pair. Ahem. AJ and I purchased $7 outfits, and got out of there as fast as our legs would carry us. Damn airline. ;)

The next day was leisurely, as we waited for our luggage to be returned us. Fortunately there was some quality programming for us to watch as we whiled away the hours in Baton Rouge. A "Powerpuff Girls" marathon was playing, so we settled down to watch it - and learnt that it's possible to save the world before bedtime, and that "Bubbles" kicks ass.
Our luggage (including Severed!PI) was returned to us in the afternoon, and within a few hours we were ready to rumble, and hit New Orleans, Baybeeeeee. Bead was insistent that we go somewhere called "Lucky Chengs"...a place with luscious drag queens, chocolate shoes, and attitude. As if we could refuse.

Lucky Chengs was a veritable den of trashy opulence. A place where AJ and I (wearing our newly acquired feather boas) loved from the moment we set eyes on it. We eat a fabulous meal, served by some of the most stunning drag-queens, who were kind enough to call me a "bitch", and a "whore" - which I think *may* be the highpoint of my life so far.

I learnt to never, ever, even think about messing with Bead, after seeing her slice our chocolate shoe with a cleaver with such vigour that she nearly smashed the plate. I learnt that AJ can vamp it up with the best of 'em, as she was scarily adept at fluttering her false eyelashes and sashaying about with her boa. Severed!PI loved it too, for once, her sequined attire was the suitably decadent outfit, and her impressive bosom made her feel at one with the silicone-happy queens.

The next morning, relatively pranceless and glitter-free, we drove to a place called 'Dennys' to meet Nanners. Yes, that's right, another day, another quality eatery for me to experience. It was whilst we chatted and eat with Nan that AJ peered out of the window and her eyes fell upon a 'Chuck E Cheese'. Apparently we *had* to go there.

Is it wrong to say that I loved the place? We managed to weasel our way through the throngs of whippersnappers, and force our way into the kiddies play areas (bullies that we were). Then we played this game where you throw lots of balls about, and you get tokens in return. It was much easier than darts (and potentially less lethal). Nanners, AJ, Bead, Charissa and I put our tokens together and we realised that we had enough for a couple of prizes. They were generous enough to let me choose, and I selected a NASCAR tattoo and a fake hundred-dollar bill. WOOHOO. Yeah, I know, I'm *so* easily pleased.

Charissa and Jen showed us a great time in New Orleans. They took us to voodoo stores, and markets where they sell alligator heads and hot sauce. They didn’t take us to the Real World house, but Bead told us all about it instead <g>. Oh, and I was serenaded by a man who after discovering I was Welsh, sang "It's not unusual" for me. Awww.

Good times.

6: Washington DC

AJ and I travelled the many miles back to her home (two aeroplanes, no lost luggage, plenty of peanuts consumed, lots and lots of talking…again <g>). It was very exciting for me to be in the capital city. After all, there was every possibility that I would happen upon my favourite dysfunctional feebees as I gazed at the phallic magnificence that is the Washington Monument, or as I scaled the walls of the Pentagon, and other touristy stuff. You just never know.

My lovely travel companion had, upon my request, given me a snow-globe of WashingtonDC, many months ago. I therefore knew what to expect from the landmarks. However, scale is a strange and impressive beast, and I was suitably overwhelmed by the structures, once a mere 2cm high, that were now, like, totally ENORMOUS. Dude.

Our first excursion took us to the exterior of the White House, unfortunately the Clintons were away at some boring convention, and they missed my visit. Their loss, I guess. My dare-devil mini companion saw the absence of the President, and entourage, as an opportunity to do some breakin' and entering (well damn, she is a Scully through and through, after all!). She made a good attempt at covertly sprinting across the lawn (with a little help from me, her pushy stage-mother).

The remainder of my time in DC was spent walking around the Smithsonians, gazing at Dorothy's red shoes <drool>, eating good food, meeting AJ's co-workers (one of whom liked to eat post-it notes... weirdo), watching bad TV, making a long-distance call to Skull, and talking late into the night with AJ. Wait a minute... there was one more thing that happened... it was tres excitingo... I went to a "7eleven." Damn! I loved that place!!

:::::::::mmmmm:::::::::The rows and rows of snacks::::::::: the racks that housed cheap and titillating tabloids::::::::: the mesmerising whirling of the slushi machine::::::::: the refrigeration cabinet that contained something called "Spray Cheese (no need to refrigerate!)" ::::::::: the abundance of Cheetos (two different varieties! - crunchy and squishy) ::::::::: the simplistic, yet somehow manic interior design :::::::::mmmmmm:::::::::.

Ahem.

This is an emergency situation. I need a Green Card... PRONTO!! Anyone (American) wanting to marry me please propose ASAP. Thank you, in advance. :)

7: Toronto

I knew that I was going to like Canada. I'd been told (read: threatened) by a number of Canadians that there'd be trouble if I didn’t prefer it to the U.S. of A, so I had no choice ;) I was told that the money was pretty, and that when I was out and aboooooout I would hear cute accents. All true.

Bro James, who shall herein be known as James-I-Don't-Need-No-Stinkin'-Roadmaps-McGarry, was kind enough to meet AJ and myself from the airport and drive like the clappers to the city where fibreglass-moose roam free. Yup. I went to New York and had to battle my way through herds of cattle, I went to Toronto and had to weave my way through the throngs of moose that had made the city their home. Curiouser and curiouser.

Toronto was the bearer of many other gifts, like the CN Tower, Sugar Mountain and Sister Shelter. Shell, the Abbey's very own master puppeteer, and all 'round cool gal, accompanied James, AJ and myself around the city.

We checked out some trendy stores, and I discovered that James is quite the fashion expert (yes, the revelations, they just keep on comin'). He blamed it on having whiled away his youth watching "Fashion TV", but I think that maybe CHarc-overdrive on the OBSSE list is having an adverse affect on some of the brethren. Paging Dr Sarah... Paging Dr Sarah.

Shell took us all to "Cuppa Coffee" the animation house where she used to work. We gazed in awe at her amazing creations, and I felt quite embarrassed for poor Scully Finger Puppet, who was rather out-classed, out-formed, out-designed, and out-everythinged by the other *talent*, and stars of the animation world that were on display. :)

As well as hightailing it around the city, we also indulged in some quality outdoorsy-type activities, including going to see one of those big-assed lakes that exist in that part of the world. Without the right roadmap <g> this lake was a five-hour drive from Guelph, (where James and Shell live) and was a serene and peaceful place... well it was until a swarm of flies decided to descend upon us! Poor AJ was their favourite, and hundreds of bugs stubbornly clung to her clothes as we walked, and then ran for our lives. It was like a scene out of "Darkness Falls", only without Scully and Mulder UST to spice it up a bit. <g>

Our last two days in Canada were spent hanging out in Shell's house, drinking too much, watching TV, sitting in the garden, going to a market - all those things that don't make for an interesting report, but were actually some of the most quality times of my whole trip. :)

I'm almost done, but it would be remiss of me not to mention one more thing, for thematic cheap-eatery continuity and all that. ;) I was lucky enough to go to, not one, not two, but three "Tim Hortons" while I was in Canada. And I passed about a gazillion more. Neener?

After another round of goodbyes at Toronto airport <sniffle> AJ and I travelled the last leg of our adventure together back to DC. It was late, but we talked 'til the early hours anyway, and AJ gave me a gift of another PI, so that I could decapitate her and inflict further horrors upon the world of the Scully-dolls. sIsTeR aJ RoOlz. :)

The next day, I caught flight BA168 back to the UK. I don't want to talk about it. And so that's almost the end of this report...

8: The End...almost

When I joined the OBSSE, just over a year ago, I never expected to meet any sibliren in RL. Now I have, and I loved every minute, and *everyone* more than I can say. A very sincere thanks to all who offered accommodation, friendship, tours, transport, itineraries, ice-cream <eg>, good food, beverages, perv-toys, *white* eggs, chocolate shoes, tabloids, zippers, sequins, a book about ducks, spray-cheese, season seven XF (at last!), humour and laughs. And, a special HUGE thank you (the kind with a cherry on top), to AJ, and Mandy, for absolutely everything, above and beyond.

Finally, if you want to see the photos from my trip, then you can find them HERE

9: The End... and this time I mean it :)