(Get yer minds out of the gutter. That's "Frequently Unasked Questions",
you sickos <eg>)
*cough*
===============================================
Exclusive Interview with: The Severed Reviewers - Skull and Aderyn
Written by: Interviewer Person
Date & Publication: Dunno. Like you care anyway.
Interviewer Person:
Skull: FUQ! <snicker>
Aderyn: Oh, this is going so well already!
IP: Ahem, there's really only one thing I want to ask you two. It's
something that's kept me awake at nights, something that's engulfed my
tortured psyche, and caused me to pull out clumps of my hair. My question
is this... <deep breath>..."WHY????"
Skull: Why? <scratches head> Um. Gee. I think it has something to do with
actually being able to post stuff during the XF season...?
Aderyn: Nah, darlin', you've got it all wrong... again <snort>.
Interviewer Person, from now on I suggest you let *me* answer the
questions. Skull is a compulsive liar, and you'll not get any sense out
of her. The TRUE answer to your most interesting and verbose question,
"WHY????" is this...
[Aderyn picks up The Club and swings it impressively, yet clumsily,
through the air, narrowly missing Interviewer Person's head]
Skull: Oh, that's a freaking GREAT promotional tactic. Decapitate our
sponsors, yeah, that'll gain us an audience!...oh, well I guess it will,
come to think of it. But that's not the point. Good God woman, the
Interviewer Person asks us a perfectly civil question and you respond
with VIOLENCE?!
Aderyn: And that's a problem because?
[Aderyn picks up the Backfiring Pistol and points it devilishly in the
direction of Interviewer Person, aims, and fires.]
Aderyn: OUCH!
IP: Okay, so WHAT is with the weapons? You're always giving each other
potentially fatal injuries. I mean, WHAT is the deal? Is it, like, FUN
for you or something?!
Aderyn: Well one of us, not mentioning any names, cough*SKULL*cough, has
a liddle itsy bitsy problem of being a wannabe sadistic badass. Plus, I
mean *really* have you felt the weight of The Club? Have you held it in
your hand and marvelled at the craftsmanship? Have you felt the rush,
when the prongs crash into a cranial mass? Have you lovingly polished the
tip of The Club, so that it slices through the air with ever improving
precision? Have you bravely defended your honour, and good name <cough>,
by enduring a season-long battle with a cranium? Have you tasted victory,
as a crumpled Skull lies at your feet? Have you lived and died by The
Club? Have you?? And you have the nerve to ask me if it's FUN???
Skull: To answer your question, Interviewer Person - since the logistics
of a question-and-answer session seem to be beyond one of us, not
mentioning any names, cough*ADERYN*cough - no. It ain't fun. I mean, I do
get off on pain to a certain extent, but THERE ARE LIMITS. And there is a
small problem with your question, if I may be so bold as to point it out
- the use of the weapons in reviews is *somewhat* one-sided. I've done a
little research, and it appears that Aderyn has Clubbed me twice and
trepanned me once, while I have... <drumroll>...pulled her hair and shot
her with a Mattel bow and arrow play set. That would appear to be a
SLIGHT IMBALANCE. And she says I'M a wannabe sadistic badass?! <glare>
IP: Moving swiftly onwards...I'm curious about the Reviews. Curious, and
incredulous. Am I to understand that you write reviews of episodes of the
X-Files that you haven't seen?
Skull: Well yeah, but we've seen them in spirit. Everything worth knowing
about an episode is discussed at length - often at GREAT length - on the
OBSSE mailing list, so it's almost as good as actually seeing the ep. Of
course, I speak from the perspective of one who has now seen Season
Seven. <implied neener>
Aderyn: Well, you can stuff your implied neener where the sun don't
shine! I've got credibility, and a much-envied status as one of the most
Severed Sisters in the OBSSE. <wail> Actually, it pains me to admit it,
but Skull is right, for once. Reading the OBSSE posts is almost as good
as watching the episodes, and in many cases it's actually better,
especially when you suffer from the tragic ailment Overactive
Imaginationitis.
IP: And on that note, where on EARTH do you get some of your material
from? I mean, I've seen these episodes, and most of the stuff you write
about has NO relevance AT ALL. And your supposed JOKES? They just go
waaaaaay over my head. HELP ME...
Aderyn: Oh, I don't think I can help *you*. I'm not a miracle worker.
Skull: Pay no attention to her, Interviewer Person. She's just trying to
appear aloof and haughty, and frankly, isn't very good at it. <sniff> I'm
guessing you've read the reviews from the site, and not from the mailing
list. You have to remember that we're writing the reviews based on ML
posts, and sometimes our understanding of certain events can be a little,
well, screwed. Plus, stuff *other* than the episode happens in the Abbey
each week, so we work that in too.
Aderyn: The truth is that we're self-obsessed ghouls who like to stuff
the reviews with in-jokes so that only a select few can understand them.
You, IP, are not among the select few <haughty aloof cackle>.
Skull: OMG, you are such a troll! IP, dear, don't pay any attention to
her...will you excuse us a minute? Thanks.
[Skull pulls Aderyn aside]
Skull: What the hell do you think you're doing? The IP represents our
public, and insulting our public is NOT a politically intelligent move. I
can't believe I let you come to this interview. Everyone knows I'M the
one everybody wants to talk to. Where do you get off, continually
attempting to come between ME and MY POPULACE?! You're such a vicious,
jealous, WELSH ghoul...
Aderyn: Oh, excuse me, Liddle Miss Kangaroo Features. Maybe you were too
busy chucking a few shrimps on the barbie to notice, but *I'm* the one
everyone is interested in. You should be grateful I let you put your name
to the reviews, when it's ME that does most of the work! I'll insult
anyone I please, and anyway <secretive whisper> I think IP gets a kick
out of our bickering. Maybe we'll make the Front Page! We could be
<tremor> FAMOUS. I think we should go for the jugular, so that he'll
lurve us even more!! </secretive whisper>
IP: I'm sensing a little tension between you two, which begs the
question: how did you two unfortunate souls meet? And, perhaps more
perplexingly, why the hell do you insist on continuing to share email
space, and co-manage a POINTLESS organisation, when it so often results
in cranial trauma?? *cough*masochists*cough*
Skull: That's two questions. I'm not sure Aderyn will be able to cope
with that.
Aderyn: Aww, poor Skull. All those holes in her cranium have diminished
her capabilities. She can't answer your questions IP, so she's sweetly
insulted me so that I may feel obliged to lighten her load. Isn't she
cute? Now lessee... what dumbass questions did you just ask? Oh yeah. We
met one dark, murky autumnal night in the OBSSE Abbey when all the U.S.
sibliren were NEENERing us that they were soon to see some new Scully. It
was a dire situation, and we became friends while sharing gory tales of
our Scullynemia over a few ritas. We decided within a week or so to found
a pointless organisation to celebrate our fortuitous meeting. Things
haven't quite been the same since. As to why we continue to co-habit
email space, and padded cells in SVYRDMUL headquarters? Hell, that's a
good freakin' question! Um... tra-la-la, hoppity skippity doodah. Thank
you, and goodnight. <Aderyn takes a bow>
Skull: Oh lord. She's hoppity-skippitying. That's a BAD sign. Would
someone grab those tablets please? Yeah, the pink ones. Thanks. There you
go, liddle frolicking bunny. Now...uh, what was the question? Oh right.
Well, I guess we continue communications for a variety of reasons. She
needs someone to administer her medication, for one thing. And sometimes
she helps me braid my hair, although she hasn't quite got the hang of
leaving it attached to my head while doing so. But the main reason
is...aw hell...I, uh, kinda like her, underneath all the hostility and
cranial scars. I think I may be suffering from Battered Wife Syndrome.
Aderyn: Wait a goddamned minute! Are you trying to tell me we're... we're
MARRIED?! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
IP: Well, your bickering dialogue certainly rings true in the reviews.
Do you actually have those conversations? How does this quote, reviewing,
unquote situation work?
Aderyn: Well, one of us takes the reviewing duty each week and will write
most of the review, including dialogue. Meanwhile, the other person just
sits back and waits for the inevitable RAGE attack when they witness the
character deformation that has been spewed forth on the Keyboard of Doom
from the other side of the world. The Other is welcome to add to, and
make changes to the dialogue while beta reading the review. However it's
been a wonderfully PAINFUL voyage of discovery for us both. When we
finally meet, I'm going to teach the Skullster a lesson for continually
portraying me as a stoopid moron, erm, damn spell check! I mean stupid
moron. <cough>
Skull: Here's a tip. If you ever end up in court for, I dunno, let's say
assault, don't even think about defending yourself. The prosecution will
probably put you on the stand as their most valuable witness. Just
breathe, blink demurely, and say, "I was drugged." Then they'll only put
you away for, oh, ten years or so. Then, when you're being sexually
assaulted in your cell, look for a cake with a Club in it. It will likely
be a Very Big Cake. Then, bash up your cellmates. Then, you'll be on
trial for assault again, so...
Aderyn: This cake you're talking about...is it chocolate flavour, with
lots of frosting? Does it have liddle figurines ontop?!! Ooooh, and
candles??!!! Yipeeeeeeeee.
[Aderyn hoppity skips around the room... again]
IP: Double vodka on the rocks, bartender. PRONTO. Please?... Oh, sorry,
forgot where I was for a sec... <hic> Okay, so how true are the personas
depicted in the reviews? I mean, are you really like that in RL?
<shudder>
Skull: You mean, is she a sadistic bitch, and am I a muling infant?
Well...let's just say it's very easy for us to slip into our review
personas. We're not *exactly* like that in RL. But we could be if we
wanted to. <cackle>
Aderyn: I like to think of my review persona as my Eeeeeevil Twin. She
got all those extra genes that make her act up and attention seek, and
really get a kick out of injuring craniums. While I, meanwhile, am
sweetness and light, and the picture of sanity... Stop laughing. Stop
it, right now. I MEAN IT.
[Aderyn picks up the Spear of Indecision and points it in every direction]
IP: <hic> I'm a little curioush about what's made you two, well, the way
you are. What do you *do* in RL? You do have livesh, right? <hic> Oh God,
they're loose in da world...batten down the hatchesshh...
Aderyn: Do *we* have lives? I think you need to be asking yourself that
question, IP. Sheesh, what kind of ass-wipe publication do you work for,
that requires you to quote, interview, unquote two Severed Scully
fanatics with borderline personality disorders, and delusions of
grandeur? I mean *really*.
Skull: Now now, dear. I believe the "New York Times" is actually quite
highly regarded in some circles. The people there write amazingly
perceptive, insightful, not-shallow-and-symptomatic-of-today's-
materialistic-society-not-to-mention-freakin'-blind-at-ALL reviews.
<cough> So, is that a sufficient amount of hyphenation to evade your
question, or shall I go on?
IP: <burp> Im sickofyous two. This is the worst ass... <giggle>
assignment I've EVER had t'do <fart>. I think yourrrs both sick. Purlease
tell me youz retiring now. Are you actually planninck on writing more
reeeviews!?
Skull: Oooh, is this announcement time? Kewl! I would like to inform our
adoring public, the sparkling stars in our sky, the pot of gold at the
end of our rainbow, the almonds in our Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate, the
fluffy white foam on our tumbling blue waves, the creamy filling in our
sponge cake, the comic strips in our newspaper, the little plastic poppy
thingies in our padded envelopes...
Aderyn: And I would like to inform our detractors: the lumps in our Easy
Cheese, the steel bars of our padded cells, the mud under our three-inch
heels, the cumbersome padding in our Scullyclone faux-maternity wear, the
shards of glass in our ritas, the Samanthas of our megalomaniacal
cosmologies, the pantyhose of our...
IP: <wheezy stuttering breath> Will. Yous. Get. To. <hic> Th-th-the.
POINT. Breakdown. Imminent... Must. Lie. Down.
[IP falls over]
Aderyn: Ooh, looky here, Skull, the IP appears to be dead. He didn't even
have the courtesy to wait until we were done with our BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
How rude!
Skull: I just don't know about journalists these days. They're so
freakin' inconsiderate! To kick the bucket in the middle of an interview
is a flagrant breach of literary etiquette. <disdainful sniff> Hey
Ad...um, I feel kinda bad for suggesting this, but...
[Skull whispers something in Aderyn's ear]
Aderyn: You want me to do WHAT?? To a corpse??? Isn't that taking the
"severed" thing too literally? <dramatic pause> Why, of course I will!
It's a freakin' brilliant idea!
[IP gets up]
Aderyn: Uh oh... look who's back from the dead. Damn those cliched
dramatic plot devices!
Skull: IP! You naughty boy. You're not supposed to come back to life
until *after* we've done our...um...experiments. Um...Ad, he looks kinda
irritated...I have a feeling his account of this will be a little, uh,
biased. We cannot allow this to occur. We have a *public*. What should we do?
Aderyn: Well, there's always...
[Skull and Aderyn's eyes meet. They giggle.]
Skull: But of course! IP, honey, come here a sec. Hold still - this won't
hurt a bit.
[Five minutes later]
Aderyn: You messed up his hair.
Skull: It wasn't anything to write home about to start with. Feeling
okay, IP?
IP: Um. Who are you? Where am I?
Aderyn: Mission accomplished. Bye-bye, IP. Scram. You've just lost a few
minutes of your life, nothing to worry about.
[IP totters unsteadily in the direction of the door, while Skull takes
out a hanky and starts to wipe the blood off the Spear of Indecision]
Skull: Well, I think that's cleared up. I always thought I'd do a good
trepanation. Now maybe you'll let me use some of the other weapons?
Aderyn: Not in this lifetime, sweetie pie. But I tell you what, because
I'm so freakin' lovely I'll let you make our BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
Skull: Ahem. The Severed Reviewers are going back to work, for one more
season. Expect some VERY PERCEPTIVE, and INSIGHTFUL reviews to spam out
your inboxes...soon. <mwahaaaa>
Aderyn: Be afraid, be very afraid... please? *Pretty please* with a
cherry on top?
[Aderyn swings around The Club in a desperate attempt to look menacing
and *scary*, while mumbling Welsh obscenities under her breath]
Skull: Yup. We're back, and we're even more stoopid and foreign than before.
Aderyn: ...Is anyone afraid yet?
-end